From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Okay, I admit it, I've seen "The Philadelphia Experiment II" and lots of other really bad science fiction films. I was recently moved to write this when I was hospitalized after having jammed Mentos(R) into my ears. For some reason I felt like writing something which would annoy Harlan Ellison as much as possible. If he comes over and beats me up I'll be sorry. Also, if this story gets made into a movie, it'll be really painful to watch. Good. There are some *extremely* obscure references in here, so don't be afraid to ask John Baez to explain them to you. In fact, some references will only be understood by two or three people on the entire planet. Enjoy. -- K. THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENTOS ============================= "So if we connect the phase-flow inducer to the remodulating transceiver... and route it into hyperspace," said LeVar Burton... "...then the entire battleship will turn purple!" said Gerrit Graham. The two of them were mad scientists in this modern year of 1943, two mad scientists fighting for right and decency for us all! Outside the window, the USS Millipede was sailing around Philadelphia Bay in circles, waiting for the experiment to begin. The USS Millipede was to be the linchpin in a super-secret super-scientific experiment that could determine the course of World War II! Also, it was still 1943. "But one thing still puzzles me, LeVar," said Gerrit while using a pocket comb to try to get his hair to stop sticking up, "#Why# do we want the ship to turn purple?" "Well, Gerrit, as you know, it's 1943. We're fighting World War II." "Gotcha! Oh, now I see it. You're saying that because we're at war with the Germans, who are a nation of people so restrained by inflexible logic, that if we paint the battleship purple, because they know that #battleships are not purple#, to them it'll become invisible! LeVar Burton, you're a genius!" LeVar smiled and popped another peppermint-flavored Mentos(R) into his mouth, then he used the roll of Mentos(R) to flip the big red switch in really cool style. Absolutely nothing happened to the USS Millipede, and it was still 1943. * * * * * Meanwhile, in the present day, somewhere in hyperspace, an oatmeal-raisin cookie two miles wide tumbled and hurtled through a universe of special effects. Harlan Ellison clung to an enormously magnified tiny model of a building and wished he could rip the eyeballs out of everybody in the entire world. "What is that enormous oatmeal doing here, in direct violation of the square-cube lawawawawawawaw?" he said, the distortion of the slit-scanned hyperspace making his voice echo and flange digitally. The cookie flipped over, revealing giant locusts crawling around on the bottom. They were big, B. I. G. Of course, Harlan Ellison, being a fictional creation, isn't involved in this story at all. However, Spot, in the real world, looked up just in time to see an oatmeal-raisin cookie two miles wide falling on him. "Yap!" he screamed, before being crushed. Meanwhile, back in 1943, absolutely nothing was still happening to the USS Millipede, and it was #still# 1943 there. Spot wasn't, as the cookie had hit him so hard he had been blasted into another universe. And he was covered with crumbs! Poor Spot. Spot looked around the other universe. "Wow," he said aloud, "this universe looks identical to mine in just about every way! What a coincidence!" He knew he was in another universe, though, because all the buildings had burlap doors. "Ah!" yapped Spot, "#BURLAP DOORS!#" Spot liked burlap doors and spent the next few minutes running in and out of a nearby building, its dangling rectangle of burlap sliding back and forth across Spot's sensitive face. "#Ah! Burrrrrlap doors!#" * * * * * Back in 1943, Gerrit Graham tried to figure out why the USS Millipede hadn't turned purple or even do something simple like go into another universe or get hit by the tumbling Time Cookie. Suddenly he sneezed, spilling all his Mentos(R) directly into the phase-flow flux inducing transitory remodulation destabilizer field coil generator loop core zone. Lightning bolts shot out of it, hitting both him and LeVar Burton! Gerrit's hair stood up straight, forming a big semicircle around his cranium, while the shock blew LeVar's opaque contact lenses out of his eyes. "I can see! I can see!" screamed LeVar. He picked up a book and began to read it aloud. The title of the book was: IT'S STILL THE YEAR 1943 * * * * * After striking Spot, the Time Cookie bounced away, skipping across the surface of space like a stone skipping across a pond filled with Jell-O. Harlan Ellison clung on for dear life, expecting to never be re-united with his prized collection of Barry B. Longyear novels, giving up all hope of ever collaborating with Rockne S. O'Bannon on writing the "NBC's seaQuest DSV" movie. Now he'd never get to finish renting all those Band Brothers movies! He sobbed into a hankie and clung to the tiny plastic buildings on the surface of the Time Cookie, designed to look like enormous buildings which were half the size of the ordinary locusts walking about on the other side. The cookie sailed off into the infinite unknown, passing a 40-column ASCII graphic of a space station--the name of the place: Babylon 1. Michael O'Hare looked out the window and waved at Harlan, then ripped off his mask to reveal he was really Barbara Bain! Harlan screamed and lost his grip, falling off into the void, never to be seen again. Somewhere else, people started erasing his name from the "Terminator 2" credits again. * * * * * Spot was getting tired of rubbing his face against hanging burlap, and besides, it was getting dark. He went through the burlap door and turned on the light. He seemed to be in someone's home. "Hi, little puppy," said the home's occupant, "My name is Clutch Cargo. Please don't be frightened by my hideously grotesque appearance but I have a rare lip disease known as Synchro-Vox." Spot felt his lips twitching uncomfortably. A strange hazy ellipse-shaped ring began to materialize around them! Clutch gasped. "Oh no, doggie! You've caught my Synchro-Vox!" "ARF." said the bright orange film of a pair of human lips that were now superimposed on Spot's face. "BARK." Spot wanted to ask if there was a cure for Synchro-Vox, but the evil lips had assumed control of his face! "WOOF." He was unable to move his facial muscles at all! "BOW WOW." * * * * * Gerrit finished getting his hair to lie reasonably flat. "And one more thing that bothers me, LeVar..." "Yeah?" "It's still 1943, right?" "Yeah, so?" "But #why# is it 1943? Oh, sure, last year was 1942, and the year before that was 1941, but why were #those# years 1942 and 1941? Why isn't it, say, 1066?" LeVar grinned. "Easy question, Gerrit. It's 1943 because we're in the middle of World War II. If it were 1066, we'd be in the middle of the Battle of Hastings, and as you may have noticed, we're #not# wearing suits of armor!" Gerrit's hair jumped back into upright position. "Ah, 1066, the Battle of Hastings! They used whattle-and-daub construction then! In the olden days, ruffians would steal from barrels by removing the staves!" He began to twirl around madly for no reason. LeVar couldn't believe his eyes! He was seeing the Blezmo Effect for himself! Gerrit was in the grip of powerful forces first discovered by Prof. Belrick Blezmo! "Uh oh, Gerrit, I think this is a sign that we've been monkeying with powers beyond our control! You've been bitten by the Blezmo Effect!" Gerrit didn't answer, as he was too busy spinning around and passing out. * * * * * Spot ran and ran down the main street of the alternate version of his home town, in the other universe, upset that all the other dogs were making fun of his really fake-looking orange lips with an oval around them! Dogs can be so cruel, especially to other dogs who have human lips. * * * * * Frantically, LeVar worked the controls of the megamodal multiphasic periodic interositer, attempting to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. He switched on S.U.S.I.E. (the Synchro Universal Sinometric Integrated Equitensor) and rubbed a fresh roll of Mentos(R) against the input sensor, hoping this would repair whatever damage they had accidentally done to the space-time continuum. He set his slide rule to 7 and then activated the vorpal nexus of a hexagon's square root of the fourth dimensional relativity factor. * * * * * The Time Cookie swooped down and bumped into Spot, knocking his fake lips off! "Gee, thanks!" barked Spot as the cookie readied to make a strafing pass. It flew past, spitting rock-hard raisins at him, then did a lovely Immelmann followed by a bank turn and a three-cushion maneuver, plowing into Spot so hard that he was propelled back into his original universe. However, he didn't return to the present--he returned to the past. The past, where it was-- NINETEEN FORTY-THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!! * * * * * Gerrit woke up just in time to see Spot appear in mid-air before him and fall to the ground with a soft thud. "Hey, LeVar, what's this? You've materialized a puppy! Better run a Level 3 flea scan on it!" Spot wondered what the heck was going on. As always, when Spot's train of through passed the speed of spreading lichen, he began to drool uncontrollably. Seeing several Mentos(R) lying on the floor made Spot's saliva into a raging torrent of spittle! Some of it landed in the interositer, causing S.U.S.I.E. to create a group of big gold octahedra which floated around the room and then strangled Gerrit. Then a giant computer-generated octopus materialized in the middle of the room and sawed the lab in half with a laser beam, while a badly-digitized picture of Patrick MacNee talked about how great the Millennium Power Pack battery was. LeVar grabbed Spot's collar and started dragging him towards the door. "Come on, little dog! We have to get out of here--now!" As the vast scientific complex blew up behind them, in 1943, they got into a submarine, closed the hatch, and set out into the Atlantic at full speed. Unfortunately, they both died, because the submarine had burlap doors. (C) 1994 James "Kibo" Parry