Yes, it's....
 
"Oh, my God, they finally did it!"
(Shappe & Whelan's Spoiler Review: The Lynch-Hazard Wedding)
 
Part I
 
DISCLAIMER:
The following post does not contain a single copyrighted or trademarked
item. Not one. So Paramount can just go flake off :-)
 
WARNING:
Spoilers for the wedding follow. Anyone who doesn't want the wedding
spoiled for them should hit 'n' now, or do whate'er else it is you
have to do on your newsreader to skip over posts you think are silly.[Uh,
Mike...I think that's enough...]
 
NOTE: Comments in [brackets] are John Whelan's. The rest is Uncle
Mikey's Patented Babble (hey, I only promised no copyrights or trademarks...I
never said anything about patents).
 
 
 
Where to begin?
 
So you know, this is going to be a very general description of the
event, [full of inaccuracies and some outright fabrications. Tim will
post the full details after he's had a chance to watch the tape again...and
recover from his honeymoon :-)]
 
And yes, we meant the bit about the video tape. Lisa's younger brother
Colin ["The Latter Day Anthropologist"] is a TV&Film major at Aethyqa
Qollej.
 
Perhaps a /dramatis personae/ is in order. Granted, many of you won't
recognize the names, but hey, we don't know most of the actors names
from TNG, either :-)
 
[This is going to be silly, I can tell]
 
The Groom: Timothy Wyckoff "The Enchanter, Roger Ebert, Penfold Look-alike"
				Lynch
The Bride: Lisa Colleen "Lizard" Hazard
 
The Best Man: Chris "Topher" Selling Lynch
The Maid o'Honor: Janis "Blonde" Kohler
 
Thems that Ush:
 
   Colin "The Unperturbable, ['No, really, I want to sleep on the
				floor']" Hazard
   Jonathan "Smeg-Head" Lane
   Michael "Uncle Mikey, the Politically Incorrect" Shappe
 
Maids o'the Bride: (John and I really don't know these people well--in
	fact, before the wedding, I'd only met Janice Robb before, so Lisa
	will have to fill in the nicknames herself :-)
 
   Melinda whose last name I can't remember but she's Lisa's cousin.
   Janice Robb
   Anat Shiloach
 
Gaffer: William "The Troll" Lynch
 
THE BETROTHAL
(aka, The Teaser)
 
[Time to enter Wailin' John reminiscent mode (tm)] No, no, no John, we
promised no trademarks [sorry...  Anyway, I recall one Astro Lab (aka
Future Theorists of America meeting) a few years back.  Tim came in,
all excited and bursting with some bit of news, and I announced to him
that he'd gotten engaged :-) He's never forgiven me for getting the
information from Mikey, and thus congratulating him before he could
actually tell me.  Since then, Tim and Lisa have been doing their best
to get into the Cute Couples' Hall of Fame, and now they've made it
official...]
 
If I remember correctly, it was their two-year anniversary--which
is cute enough as it is. But NOoooOOOOOoooOooOo, they just HAD to
go and get ENGAGED that day, too, didn't they. I seem to remember
Tim telling the story thusly, "We'd just exchanged presents, and I
looked at her and said, 'I've got another present I had in mind, but
I wanted to have you along with me to make sure it fit.'" Not terribly
romantic, but pure Tim.
 
THE REHEARSAL
(Act I)
 
Stardate 9106.29.1700
 
[I was raiding the ice box for this act...well, actually, the Kensington
House of Chinese Chicken (oh, sh*t, is that a Trademark?), so this
one's up to Mikey...]
 
"The Wedding"'s first act started out fairly slowly, really. Tim was
nervous, Lisa was nervous, the rest of us were just overly warm. The
wedding was to be held outside at a nearby Botanical Gardens type
place, and much of the inbetween time was spent complaining about
how warm it would be. Still, there were some entertaining moments,
mostly provided by Jonathan Lane's clowning, but they got tiresome
after a while. There was one moment where Uncle Mikey nearly lost
all control in a burst of laughter, but that comes under "Music".
 
THE REHEARSAL DINNER
(Act II)
 
Stardate 9106.29.1900
 
Lots of friends gathered at one end of the table and lots of relatives
at the other. Lots of exchanging of old, embarrassing stories [see
"Toast Fodder"] for the benefit of those who hadn't heard them yet.
Both families were remarkably well behaved--more importantly, both
sides of Tim's family were...:-)
 
THE CEREMONY
(Act--
[Wait! Don't I get to tell all my exciting Saturday Night Miniature
Golf stories?...oh...well...never mind].
--III)
 
Stardate 9106.30.0930
 
Tim is bundled out of the house along with the rest o' the Ushers
to arrive at the Gardens...and discover all of three parking spaces
remaining for 90 guests--charming. That's what they get for holding
it in a public park. (Actually, Jonathan Lane was off picking up other
guests, so it was just Colin, Topher, Tim and I). Topher kept Tim
occupied (although I have no doubt that Tim believes it to be the
other way around, or just an innocent walk around the gardens) whilst
Colin guarded the larking pot...er...parking lot, and I stood in front
of the Place of Marriage (but not of challenge...see "Vows"), preparing
to ush (is that really a verb? Should it be?) people to their places.
[Mikey in his own element: telling people where to go!]  It's 98 degrees
Farenheit in the shade [What shade?].
 
The [plebes] arrive at 1000ish [and the person in front of me gets
the last parking space...grrrrr....] and hide under what little shade
is available ["Do you think they'll mind if we stand behind the trees
during the wedding?"] while Bill Lynch's tape deck (which provided
the ceremonial music) waxed classical.
 
[Then, the moment of truth for all the guests: "Bride's side or groom's?"
Perhaps it should have been "Cornell side or non-Cornell?" :-)]
 
At last, the moment approached. The processional began (see "Music")
at 1045 (only 15 minutes late...not bad for this crowd :-)...the ushers
in their black, heatsink tuxen escorting the bridesmaids in aqua [a
shade almost but not quite like CUSFA blue], then Topher dragging
Tim [holding him up :-)...And then came that brief moment where everyone
looked at them and said, "Now which one is Tim again?" Sorry, Topher.
:-)] Followed by Janis Kohler looking mahvelous in a royal blue, and then,
finally, the moment of truth...Lisa and her 'rents [both of them -- nice
touch] start the march up the aisle.
 
Lisa made an absolutely stunning bride--her white dress contrasting
fiercely with her bright red, glowingly blushing face. [The Blushing
Bride -- and she blushes so well! :-)]
 
 At last, the scene was set--bride's party on the left,
groom's on the right, and in the middle Susan Baggett (sp) of the
North Virginia Ethical Society began the ceremony...a 'sermon' about
the Rainbow Connection, lovers, dreamers, and us...[and only slight
titters from the crowd...hey, not every wedding starts off with a
quote from Kermit the Frog]. At last, the sermon done, the vows are
exchanged--unprompted (except when they forgot their lines :-), and
completely non traditional, but wedding vows--or, more accurately,
promises--nonetheless...then, the recessional [complete with a golden
moment of the Happy Couple (tm) <STOP THAT!> disappearing over the
slight rise to the opening banjo strains of "The Rainbow Connection"...see
"Music"], the reception line, and fade to...
 
THE CHASE
(Act IV)
 
[For those of us who'd left our invites (including map) in
Cornelltown, getting from the wedding to the Chevy Chase Women's Club
for the reception was a bit of an adventure.  Rachel "I'm not really
here" Schwartz and I were supposed to follow Rob "CUSFA Pizza Czar"
Nepell and the Volare from Hell, but in a moment of confusion and
excessive speed (people drive fast in Maryland!), we shot past him and
began following Scott "the grail represents everything I got into
archaeology for" Stull and Artie "purple" (or what we hoped was them).
As we raced thru the DC area at break-neck speed and watched Rob
rapidly disappearing behind us, the dreaded question came up: "If
we're following Scott and Artie, who's Rob following?".  Our fears we
allayed and renewed when, as we turned off the speedway, Rob flew by
us, clutching his directions and the steering wheel at the same time.
Miraculously safe and sound, we had arrived at ...]
 
THE RECEPTION
(Finale)
 
[But I thought the Honeymoon was the finale]
For them, not for us.
[Oohhhhh...]
 
Although the main party got off to a slow start (Bill Lynch can never
be on time for anything, for one thing, but also see "THE CHASE" above),
once the music started playing it was one of the more memorable receptions
I've attended. For one thing, they avoided getting one of those crummy
pseudo-music bands that play Hava Nagila even at Catholic wedding,
and instead got a DJ...a DJ with a very strict play list (including
various nonstandard numbers...see "Music"), from which he deviated
at will (and at his peril). Dancing replaced alcohol (which was absent),
although the effect in the end was the same--I woke up feeling like
I'd been dragged through a ringer backwards...[but at least he remembered
more :-)]. There were Toasts (see "Toasts") [duh], cake, and other
usual Wedding reception type things.
 
[Then came the time for the barbaric bouquet-and-garter ritual; gotta
love those barbaric rituals...]  The bouquet was caught by a poor,
unsuspecting nine-year old. As a result, the bachelors in the room
were rather reluctant to go after the garter when Tim threw it (hey,
man, there are LAWS against that sort o' thing :-) [besides, you call
THAT a throw? He DROPPED it from the balcony. But Ken "It's my turn to
get married next" Bender finally got up the courage and did a flying
tackle on top of it...]  It didn't stand a chance.  In the end, Lisa's
Aunt Sue wound up playing Surrogate Leg for the garter...placement,
with the confused and slightly frightened nine-year old sitting on her
lap, wondering what the fuss was about.
 
At last, after 30 minutes of goodbyes, the majority of the guests
parted company and headed for home...except for certain silly Mikey
creatures and his party, who stayed for swimming and dinner with two
former BITNET personalities (Debra Hisle and Gina Goff)... Meanwhile,
Tim and Lisa headed off for an unmarked, undisclosed hotel in any
one of three states for a night of mad passionate sleep [and _I, Clavdivs_],
driven (we believe) by Colin, as he continued his anthropological study
of The Mating Habits of Cornell Geeks...:-)
 
Stay tuned for commentary....
 
...Unc and Wailin' John
 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"With a sigh of desperation, he gave in to his depression
He went out to meet the concrete where he made his last impression
And the papers want a statement, 'cos the public wants to know
Was it just the cancellation of a favorite TV show?"--Uncle Bonsai
 
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Once again, it's...
 
Shappe and Whelan's "You have to be kidding me" Spoiler Review:
The Hazard-Lynch "Rainbow Connection" Magical Musical Wedding
 
Part Too
 
VARNINK:
Dis post kontainss Sspoilers. Run now while you khave the chance.
 
 
 
COMMENTARY
 
"Music"
Perhaps the most interesting part of this whole affair was the music.
Tim and Lisa were deliberately nonstandard in all their choices--both
of ceremonial music and of reception music.
 
The processional was a medley of three songs--starting with a piece
by Enya ("Exile", I believe), followed by a piece from Chariots of
Fire (for Tim) and another piece whose origin I don't recall for Lisa.
[Video tapes...we need the video tapes!]
 
The recessional (and this is why I cracked up at the rehearsal) began
with the end-of-show version of "The Love Theme from Mystery Science
Theater 3000"--which, if you don't know it, sounds like a perfectly
good, solemn recessional type piece. The trouble is that I know the
WORDS that go with the faster, beginning of show version (which
include the line "Just repeat to your self 'It's just a show!/I should
really just relax!'") ["It's just a wedding! Calm down!" And then, of
course, there's the fact that even the slow version ends with a rather
out-of-place "SCHWING!" sound.] The middle piece was, understandably
enough, "The Rainbow Connection" [which gave the song new meaning for
me, but had the slight drawback of having me and Alice Anne "Catholic
Girls start much too late" English singing it the whole way back to
Itha-Qapla'.] The final piece (which I didn't get to hear) was the
"Throne Room" from _Star Wars_.
 
The choice of music at the reception was typical of the bride and
groom and their warped friends--some "standard" dance toooons (what's
a dance without "Shout!", although I'm kinda miffed that they didn't
do "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" [or "Rock Lobster", although
I can see people not wanting to lie on the floor in their finery].
Some nonstandard pieces, however, included Genesis' "The Carpet Crawlers"
(from _The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway_) and "Afterglow" (from _Wind
and Wuthering_) and Chris DeBurgh's "Transmission Ends". (The nonstandard
pieces I most wanted them to play but they didn't included Genesis'
"Dance on a Volcano" (a song in 7/8 time) and Uncle Bonsai's "Boys
Want Sex in the Morning").
 
Of course, the DJ, being an idiot by trade, had to sneak in some Madonna
and MC Hammer (despite explicit order that he was to play neither
Madonna nor rap "music") [But, it was probably worth it to see Janis
Kohler getting down to "U Can't Touch This" with my shades on and
her hair down...]
 
The DJ further proved his questionable intelligence by using a scented-smoke
machine (not steam, mind, but smoke), to which about 10% of the guests
were allergic, including your Friendly Neighborhood Mikey.  [I assume it was
to prepare Tim and Lisa for life in smoggy Pasadena :-)]
 
But enough about Music....
 
"Costumes"
 
Dress was fairly standard for these wedding-things. There was only
one major problem--we were outside in BLACK tuxen...which left me
with a surface temperature of 110-degrees when all was done and said
[uh, Mike, you've mentioned...no, bitched about...that already] Yes,
I know, but it's important! [You will be tested!]
 
[I was rather pleased that I was the one male person who thought to not
bother bringing his jacket...everyone else looked silly just holding
theirs].
 
"Vows"
 
"Mawwidge...Mawwidge is wot bwings ufs togefthew...today. Fthat dweem
wifthfin a dweem..."
 
Well, ok, maybe not. But it would have been fun to see Tim and Lisa
crack up if it HAD happened that way.
 
[I think they were so tense that if they'd cracked up, they would
have done so LITERALLY].
 
[What IS the North Virginia Ethical Society, anyway?]
 
I don't know...quite honestly, I'm not sure Tim and Lisa knew. Tim
was wary of religious organizations in general, but the NVES appears
to be a "religion" without a god...no deity was invoked the entire
morning (except perhaps, by Tim, thinking to himself, "Elath, am I
really doing this?!" and the rest of us thinking "My >insert deity
here<, are they really doing this?!") [Of course, a deity WAS invoked,
by David Byrne of the Talking Heads, during the Reception..."...and
you may say to yourself, 'My God, What have I done?!'"] However, Susan
Baggett, the officiator, did describe herself as representing both
the state and a religious organization...
 
ANYWAY, the vows, what we could hear of them [and Mikey heard more
than I did...must have been a transmission problem...we shouldn't
take points off for it...:-)] Uh...sure, John...were clearly non-standard
in their wording, although the actual sentiment expressed was fairly
normal. No "obey" or "swear" or anything, but lots of love/honor/cherish
types of things, along with a bit of IDIC thrown in for good measure
(something about delighting in differences, as I recall...)
 
What was missing, interestingly enough, was any equivalent of the
"If anyone can find just cause why these two poor unfortunate schmoes
should not be joined in the bonds of unholy matrimony, let them speak
now or never again say 'I told you so' [or 'KaliFEE!']" (Sorry about
that last...John just saw "Amok Time" for the first time last night
and is a little overexcited).
 
"Toasts"
 
There were many toasts given at the reception, some of which can be
printed here...of course, not being Tim, I don't have exact quotes,
but...
 
Topher: More or less standard but inspired toast to the Gride and
Broom...er...oh, hell, you know what I mean.
 
Mark Rosenthal: "Tim has been dreading this toast: To old friends,
good friends, Sunday Brunch, and the wrong knee..." (Send Mikey email
if you want to know to what it refers...)
 
Jon Lane: A long story that culminating in Jon, for the first time
in recorded history, admitting that he was WRONG about something--specifically,
when he'd told Tim, three years ago, not to leave the girl he was
seeing at the time to start seeing Lisa. The girl in question is now
Jon's fiancee and their date is set for 20 June, 1992, but hey, who's
counting?
 
Uncle Mikey: A toast to all the Cornell Crowd, and various that we
met because we were at Cornell.
 
Janis Kohler: Something blonde :-) (Don't kill me, Janis, Pleeeeez)
 
Gina Goff: A toast to them both, and a hope that Lisa would have a
long time to help conspire against Tim...
 
and so on...the rest were just parental toasts....:-)
 
"Cake, the"
 
[Well...it was actually EDIBLE, and not a fake (a little inside
catering knowledge...), and sported lizards (for Lisa the Herpetologist)
and comets (for Tim the--] Space Cadet [--stop that! -- astronomer).
Although, for all the Astro geeks out there, I mentioned to Tim that
since he's doing large scale structure, lizards would be appropriate
for him as well...]
 
The Ratings:
 
Plot: 9. Old, but well rehashed.
 
Acting, Groom: 1. Tim was doing a rotten job acting calm :-)
 
Acting, Bride: 9. Lisa was doing a wonderful job acting like a red
lightbulb :-).
 
Characterization: 10. Hey, how can you fail when everyone's being
their own, natural, smeggy selves?
 
Effects: 5. I hate that smoke machine the DJ brought in.
 
Music: 10. Heh...wonderful, despite the DJ.
 
DJ: 2. Kill him. Slowly.
 
Smoke Machine: 1. We'd give it a zero, but hey, it WAS scented like
cotton candy, and we have sweet tooths.
 
GRAND TOTAL........
 
Ten, of course...what, did you REALLY think we'd give him anything
less?
 
Next week...a play-by-play account of their honeymoon, courtesy of the
video camera Colin hid in their hotel room in St. Martin
...muhahahahahahah...
 
 
...Uncle Mikey Parmagiana (mikey@amnesia.ithaca.ny.us)
and
[John "Arthur Dent" Whelan, Cornell Astro '91 (whelan@astrosun.tn.cornell.edu)]
 
...Transmission ends.
 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"With a sigh of desperation, he gave in to his depression
He went out to meet the concrete where he made his last impression
And the papers want a statement, 'cos the public wants to know
Was it just the cancellation of a favorite TV show?"--Uncle Bonsai
 
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