Date: Thu, 1 Apr 93 20:26:15 PST Reply-To: Return-Path: Message-ID: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain From: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (hygvzngr bs tragvyvgl) To: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (SURFPUNK Technical Journal) Subject: [surfpunk-0070] 1APR: Rectium; promotions; SuperSHARK CARRERA CLASSIC # The Optimists tell us that we will all be eating # human excretion in twenty years. The Pessimists # tell us that there will not be enough to go # around. I hope they're full of it. # G.L. Searle More timely news. And these better not be forgeries this time. --strick ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ From announce@inside.intel.com () Subject: INTEL ANNOUNCES NEW PROCESSOR Date: Thu, 01 Apr 1993 00:00:00 GMT INTEL ANNOUNCES NEW PROCESSOR FOR TRULY PERSONAL COMPUTING 1 April 1993 Intel Corp. today announced a new line of low-power high performance microprocessors for a entirely new concept in "personal" computing. The new processors, codenamed "Rectium", are designed to actually fit the appropriate body cavity for "Computing Anywhere, Anytime", according to Fred Burfl, Vice President for New Product Locations at Intel. "We figured that with our 'Intel Inside' advertising campaign, which has high consumer awareness, we couldn't lose!". Within six months, a high-performance co-processor will also be made available. Implemented in Gallium Arsenide technology, the co-processor is tentatively code-named "Rectium GaAs". A new high-speed communications bus based on a proprietary "Fast Aerodynamic Regional Transport" protocol will take performance to new heights. Intel officials suggest that the chips will be ideally suited for back-end processing applications. Reaction on Wall Street was mixed. PepsiCo (owner of the Taco Bell restaurant chain) gained an eighth, to close at 82 7/8, after announcing a strong commitment to the new GaAs technology. Ralston-Purina (maker of Bean-o) fell an eighth, to 50 5/8. ________________________________________________________________________ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 93 09:51:19 PST From: Ashwin Honkan Subject: Re: April Fool's Intel posting (fwd) Hey Strick, Any word on backward compatibility for this `Rectium' ? :-) Ashwin ________________________________________________________________________ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 93 14:47:12 PST From: Ashwin Honkan VERSANT ANNOUNCES NOVEL STRATEGY TO BOOST MORALE Menlo Park, CA, April 1, 1993 -- Versant Object Technology today announced a novel strategy to boost employee morale. Industry watchers predict that if Versant is successful in its efforts, this strategy may be implemented all across corporate America. According to this plan, all Versant employees will receive the title of `Vice President' effective immediately. "That ought to improve the employee morale", said David Gilmour, Executive Vice President of marketing (who was an Executive Vice President even before this strategy went into effect). "By bestowing the title of `Vice President' on everyone, we are showing how much each individual employee means to Versant", Gilmour continued, "and it effectively answers the complaint of Engineering that practically everyone in the Marketing and Sales organizations is a manager or director if not a vice president. Now the system administrator is a Vice President of System Administration, the lone member of the tools group is now a Vice President and Grand High Wazoo of Tools and even the receptionist is now a Vice President of Reception." When asked if the change in title will be accompanied by a corresponding change in salary, Samuel Hedgpeth III, the new Vice President of Finance, answered, "We have no plans of filing for bankruptcy." Matt Miller, the Vice President of Advertising, said that it is a mere coincidence that the announcement was made public on April 1. "It is customary to make all important announcements on the first day of the quarter" he added. Versant Object Technology is the leading worldwide vendor of high performance object database management systems designed to support object-based data in shared, distributed applications. ________________________________________________________________________ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 93 17:09:30 EST From: keith@cc.gatech.edu (Keith Edwards) Subject: SUNSTRUCK FLASH: SUNTANK ANNOUNCES SuperSHARK CARRERA CLASSIC Sun has a long and proud tradition of carrying off good April Fool's day pranks, usually involving the (expensive) cars of the Sun founders (once the put Bill Joy's Ferrari in the lake near the Mountain View campus. Ha ha.) The "SHARKstation" thing is a carry-over from a prank a couple of years ago when they transplated the entire office of Wayne Rosing (Sun Labs chief honcho) into the big tank at the Monterey aquarium. Of course, all of these pranks are followed up by lots of free beer and T-shirts to comemmorate the occasion, and usually a bogus press release that makes fun of the usual Sun marketroid press releases and perhaps recent events at the company as well (read: lots of inside jokes). -keith ----- Begin Included Message ----- The annual Sun Microsystems April Fool's Day joke on some executive Probably of interest to the porschephiles... Those in the San Francisco Bay area can view it from the outside of the building. It's in Mountain View, off 101 at Rengsdorff. I can give directions to those interested. This year they took Andy Bechtolsheim's 911 Cabriolet and placed it in his office. The top is down and there's a large fish tank inside, with a Sun workstation under the water and a monitor displaying an aquarium scene. All of this was done overnight without the person knowing about it. This incident involved removing a wall (real wall.. plasterboard and all) and probably the windows. Somehow, they got the keys to the car and placed it inside the slightly enlarged room, then everything is put back in place. ----- Begin Included Message ----- SUNTANK ANNOUNCES NEW OFFICE WORKSTATIONS SuperSHARK CARRERA CLASSIC UNVEILED TODAY SunTank, a division of SunStruck, Inc., today announced the availability of a high performance portable computing system designed for the small office environment -- the SuperSHARK Carrera Classic. The new system, based on the Convertible Office Submersible Environment (COSE) specification, was unveiled this morning in the Mountain View office of company founder, Andreas Fish Bechtolshiem. "This technology is an enhanced version of our SHARKstation product line. It shows our total commitment to 32-bite commuting and powerful hardware," said Bechtolshiem. "And it's my favorite color, too." The heart, or rather guts, of the system lie in its 120-Megabuck SuperSHARK processor chip. Despite being a much smaller version of the 7-gill processor in the original SHARKstation 1 machine, the new SuperSHARK is ferocious enough to destroy its closest competitors in seconds. Today the SuperSHARK was demonstrated performing at an astounding 100-tetrabites per second. The true beauty of the new SuperSHARK system is in its European-engineered Carrera packaging. The sleek, aerodynamic chassis is built for high maneuverability and has a convenient user interface. "We are delighted that the SuperSHARK chip can deliver so much power to our stylish exterior," commented Hans EinFranz, project manager for Pisce, the German hardbody manufacturer that co-designed the Carrera Classic with Bechtolshiem. With a full 200 gallon tank capacity, front and rear wheel stabilizers, and roomy plexiglass interior, the SuperSHARK Carrera Classic office workstation is truly a user's dream of high functionality at a low price. (Suggested retail: $7995, tax, license, and dealer-installed Cabriolet top extra. Non-discountable.) No hardware system is complete without a robust operating environment. The SuperSHARK-powered Carrera system runs Windows ET from SunSlosh, a sister company of SunTank. "The WET environment puts a whole new motif on transparent, distributed hydrokinetic computing," said Ned Zander, president and chief perch at SunSlosh. "Of course, no one really knows what that means, but it sounds good. Let's just say - the system goes fast, and it's powerful." At the bottom of the SuperSHARK system is SunLinks, a set of ground-level user tools for increased office productivity. The compact SunLinks course adds even more stability and entertainment value to the Carrera office system. Initial market reaction for the SuperSHARK and the related technologies has been remarkably favorable. "I saw a beta version, and I had to have one in my office immediately," commented Lotty Varey, Bechtolshiem's neighbor. SunStruck executive Sturgeon McReely noted, "It's the ultimate driving machine. Oh no, that's the other German guys. Anyway, it's what I've been trying to develop all along - a computer that's as easy to use as driving a car." "This is the pinnacle of the series that I foresaw years ago," commented Wilhelm Glad, former user of an on-pond system. Depending on further market acceptance, the SunTank team may introduce an AstroSHARK server version later this summer. P Copyright 4.1.93 SunTank, the totally dependent N O and finally retired business unit of SunStruck, Inc. I N SunStruck, SunDunk, SunPuck, SunTank, and the E D OFFICE* logo are trademarks of SunStruck, Inc. C I SuperSHARK is a registered trademark of SHARK I N Intergalatic, Inc. The SHARK technology is based F C on a tradition first developed by the SunKit F A Racing Team who taught us all that "Friends don't O R let friends have the keys to their car." * O N N For an open look at the new SuperSHARK Carrera I G Classic convertible office environment, stop by E O building 17 in Mountain View, or call Andy S L Bechtolshiem at 800-IT-BITES. R F U C To commemorate this announcement, t-shirts O will be on sale at local cafeterias on April 1 and 2 (while supplies last) and afterwards through SunWare for a limited time ($10/shirt, $12 XXL). NOTE: for best viewing, use the southern entrance to Bldg 17, near Bldg 15 or Great Bytes (B16). ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ The SURFPUNK Technical Journal is a dangerous multinational hacker zine originating near BARRNET in the fashionable western arm of the northern California matrix. Quantum Californians appear in one of two states, spin surf or spin punk. Undetected, we are both, or might be neither. ________________________________________________________________________ Send postings to , subscription requests to . MIME encouraged. Xanalogical archive access soon. Still contains at least one bug. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ @osc /v/lang/strick/surfpunk 13 % finger @coke.elab.cs.cmu.edu [COKE.ELAB.CS.CMU.EDU] WARNING: This software still contains at least one bug! Coke Server Ver 0.99 2-26-93 Coke: Cold: 0 Warm: 0 Buttons Diet coke: Cold: 1 Warm: 0 C: EMPTY Sprite: Cold: 0 Warm: 0 C: EMPTY D: COLD C: EMPTY D: EMPTY C: EMPTY D: EMPTY C: EMPTY S: EMPTY @osc /v/lang/strick/surfpunk 14 % brazil % finger bargraph@coke.elab.cs.cmu.edu [COKE.ELAB.CS.CMU.EDU] WARNING: This software still contains at least one bug! Coke Server Ver 0.99 2-26-93 M&M information may not be correct, use at your own risk. M & M Buttons /-----\ C: CC........................ | | C: CC........... D: 333333333.... | | C: CCC.......... D: C............ |*****| C: CC........... D: C............ |*****| C: C............ \-----/ S: ............. | Key: | 0 = warm; 9 = 90% cold; C = cold; . = empty | Leftmost soda/pop will be dispensed next ---^--- brazil %