This is SLAP #3. SLAP now has it's own FTP archive. ftp.teleport.com /users/derek slap.1 slap.2 slap.3 SLAP #3 is late but I am operating on once a month schedule now. I still have no contributors (except for VanRant in the last issue) Anyone is welcome to contribute material. Whatever! Send email for subscripitions! Do not forget to send complaints and adoration to: derek@teleport.com. Thanks Derek ___________________________________________________ INDEX 1---PBS 2---What We Need 3---Historical Figures Explained Through Talk Show Psychology 4---Filler 5---Reader Poll 6---Filler 7---News Briefs 8---Dad Is in the Ground and Mom Is in Jail ___________________________________________________ PBS: PBS. Public Broadcasting System AKA Pretty Boring Shit! Does PBS really serve the entire public the way they claim? Are they really that civic oriented? Who watches this stuff? Let's look at some of their wonderful programming.... PBS sees it's mission as one to educate and enrich people through the medium of television. The market they end up serving is mainly their own egos. PBS allows a select few individuals to show off their extensive knowledge of the useless to millions of viewers. Ohhhh! We are so impressed. They stole half of their programming from the BBC, and British television is about as good as British food. I know the supporters of the BBC will always tell you how popular it is but with only 4 channels in the whole country to chose from ....wow what a surprise that 1/4 of the people watch it. The only good entertainment the British have provided the world with in the past couple of years has been their monarchy. PBS has some really great programs. The opera that you have to read along to understand are great. If they want to show music that needs subtitles, why don't they show an Ice-T concert and have the lyrics on the bottom of the screen with a little bouncing ball so all the suburban white people can follow along? Those cooking shows are great too. What is the point of watching a show about making some kind of food that #1 you can't even pronounce, #2 you could never find any of the ingredients at a normal grocery store, and #3 looks like it tastes like crap. How about a cooking show that tells you how McDonalds makes that Secret Sauce? Or how to make your own Slurpys at home? These are the things Americans really want to know, like what soda has the best sugar rush. I want Ronald McDonald and George Foreman to host a cooking show. Kill off the Frugal Gourmet and Burt Wolf! What about those painting shows? How many people do you know that paint? I don't know anyone. Replace it with a show on how to use your camcorder. How to make your own home porno's. That type of thing would be much more successful and popular... although the thought of that Brillo-headed painter guy naked isn't too pleasant. Those silly kids shows. Sure, Barney is popular but what kind of a role model is he? The thing isn't even human. They need a show along the lines of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers! That show has values that all Americans need. I can just see after your kid watches Barney for years and my kid watches the Power Rangers. Your kid will be singing, "I love you, you love me..." as my kid beats the hell out of him and takes his lunch money. Barney weakens Americas children. The MacNeil/Lehrer News Hour is nothing more than a bunch of boring people sitting around arguing over boring stuff. Get rid of that roundtable discussion stuff. I think they need to make it more like American Gladiators. I would love to see Janet Reno rolling around in one of those big steel caged balls, or William Bennet getting the crap beaten out of him by some high school dropout. Instead of debates, they should have a more empirical test. They should test the individual's resolve on an issue. Line the two contestants up next to each other. Whoever can snort an entire jar of peanut butter first wins. Anyone who would do that must feel more passionately about the issue at hand. Charlie Rose is another guy that just sits around a table and talks. He always plays up to his guests and gets them to expose some pseudo new age philosophical "this is how and why I live my life" point of view. Fire that guy and get an ex-CIA interrogation expert. Put the guest under a bright light, and torture them with electricity. This is the way to find the real truth. This Old House is another stupid show. What is the point of having a show about fixing up a house when all the work gets contracted out. They shouldn't show you how the contractor puts in the wiring or driveway. They should show you how to find a good contractor and stuff like that. But really, the program should be replaced with a more practical "how-to" show. A show that tells its viewers how to de scramble cable or build your own electric chair would be more appropriate. How about Dr. Ruth and Dr. Kevorkian doing a call-in show on necrophilia? PBS is really missing the boat on sports entertainment. They need a show dedicated solely to Monster Trucks. It is pretty clear that no country in the world can even come close to competing with America in the realm of Monster Trucks. How could PBS pass on this opportunity? The shows about the strange sexual habits of animals is a good idea, but why bother with animals' strange habits when there are plenty of strange sexual habits among humans? Just look at the British Parliament. Along the same lines, I would have to say that we need to get rid of Mister Rogers. The man obviously gets a sexual thrill from sticking his hand up inside a puppet and playing a woman in the land of make-believe. He needs help. Keep the kids away. I am about finished with my suggestions, but one of the majorly annoying things they do is the begging. I think pledge week/month/year is the most pathetic thing they could do. They give away the most awful gifts for crazy amounts of money. Instead of torturing the viewer for money, torture the PBS staff for money. For x amount of dollars pledged, have the staff eat a live gold fish or something. It would be sort of like Letterman's Stupid Human Tricks. Well those are just a few of my suggestions for PBS. With 500 hundred channels on the way, PBS better start doing some more innovative programming, if they still want to squeeze money out of the American Viewer...... ___________________________________________________ What We Need: ...still even bigger sizes of fries and coke at McDonalds. Something the size of the GNP of a small 3rd world country would be nice. ...more twenty somethings with bad facial hair who have intellectualized teen angst into a philosophy ...a few more news magazine shows because, Day One, Eye to Eye, 48 Hours, 60 Minutes, 20 Minutes, Now, Primetime Live, Front Page just aren't enough for me. ...shoes that are even uglier than Birkenstocks. Just to prove it's possible. ...more talk about the Information Super Highway. ...Time magazine to do a swimsuit issue of world leaders. ___________________________________________________ Historical Figures Explained Through Talk Show Psychology Vincent VanGogh wasn't a wonderful talented and tortured artist. He was just lithium deficient. Fyodor Dostoyevski was a deep, dark, serious, profound writer. He suffered from severe depression. Instead of writing, he should have taken Prozac. Adolf Hitler wasn't evil. His father never really loved him, and that caused him to feel inferior. In his attempt to overcome his feelings of inferiority, he felt the need to rule the world and destroy an entire race of people. But really, it was because his Daddy didn't love him. ___________________________________________________ What would happen if Shannon Doherty cut off Jack Nicholson in traffic? If Lorena Bobbit had teeth like Nancy Kerrigan she wouldn't have needed a knife. It was announced that former USSR head of state Mikhail Gorbachev will be wrestling in the WWF next season. ___________________________________________________ SLAP is pleased to announce it's first readers poll. Vote now for the worst toupee: 1. Sam Donaldson 2. Burt Reynolds 3. Frank Sinatra please email your vote to derek@teleport.com ___________________________________________________ Now listen boys whatever you do... do not try and tie your penis in a knot. Bacteria make great pets. ___________________________________________________ News Briefs Seattle has just announced plans for the construction of an entire theme park based around the burial sites of pop culture figures. Currently Jimi Hendrix, Bruce and Brandon Lee, and the most recent addition, Kurt Cobain, now reside in Seattle cemeteries. The City Council is trying to secure the burial rights to such stars as Madonna, Michael Bolton, and Arnold Schwarzenneger. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is said to have offered his body to be buried in Seattle, but the Council rejected his offer on the grounds that burying his body in Seattle would violate federal, state and local environmental regulations. The city is best known for its grunge rock, Boeing, and the Seattle skydome, but wants to add a more timeless attraction. Faithful followers have often flocked from all over the world to pay tribute to their fallen heroes. In Paris, Jim Morrison's grave is the third most popular tourist attraction, and Graceland, the home and final resting place of Elvis, has drawn large crowds for years. Think of the fun of loading up the kids in the MiniVan and taking off for DeathWorld to see and explore the past of really cool dead guys. Seattle is only tentatively using DeadWorld Theme Park as its title but is looking to switch the name as soon as possible to prevent any confusion with EuroDisney. There is a lucrative market in housing the corpses of the famous. Madonna is attempting to change her citizenship. She says she no longer feels in tune with the average American but has found a true soulmate in the country of Singapore. After the publicity of the Michael Faye caning/spanking, Madonna made several inquires into the practice of caning. Madonna, herself has enjoyed the pleasures of punishment for being a bad girl and said that Singapore was a country that would treat her the way she deserved and give her the things she needs. Recovering alcoholic Drew Barrymore recently married a Los Angeles Bar Owner. Mattel has announced that they will be making a Nancy Kerrigan doll along the lines of Barbie. Also in a related statement they announced they will be introducing a GI JOE version of the Tonya Harding gang. ___________________________________________________ Dad Is in the Ground and Mom Is in Jail. ======================================== The past two weeks have been crazy. My dad had a massive heart attack 13 days ago. He has been having some problems for the past couple of years but he was under pretty careful supervision. He had an assortment of medication that he was taking and was also on a diet of some sort. It happened during breakfast on a Thursday. He was eating his scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, and toast when he suddenly clutched his chest and nose-dived into the bowl of sugar on the table. He died immediately. Mom and I looked on in horror and shock. The ambulance came and took him away and we did all of those things that you are supposed to do. After a long weekend, we buried dad on Monday. The whole event was pretty unreal. I couldn't believe he was really gone, but then Tuesday came..... Tuesday afternoon, I am sitting in the family room watching "Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego?" when the police burst in and arrest my mom. I was clueless as to what was going on but my mom was charged with murder in the first degree. They say she willing killed my dad by feeding him food that was high in cholesterol and fat. The DA claims she knew that the particular food she was feeding him induced the massive heart attack and that she deliberately fed him this food in an attempt to murder him. Mom is up in the county jail awaiting trial. They denied her bail on the grounds that she posed too great a danger to the public. I talked to her about the whole thing and she says she doesn't know anything and that she really loved dad. I don't really know for sure but she did feed dad alot of questionable food. I remember how she would give dad a big glass of whole milk mixed with a cup and a half of Wesson oil, and when she substituted Crisco for mashed potatoes or ice cream. It always seemed a little odd but I never gave it much thought. I just did a whole bunch of interviews with Sally, Geraldo, Oprah, Phil, Maury, Montel, Jerry, Ricki, Rolanda, Jenny, and Jane. My agent set it all up. I was getting so many offers from all over the place that I decided to get an agent. I don't intend to gain from my mother's imprisonment or my father's death, but I do have to look out for myself. I have a lot of projects in the works thanks to my agent... movie of the week, cookbook, T-shirts, etc. Just got word that mom's defense is going to be paid for by the Egg Council of America and the Wesson Oil Company. The DA said he is going to seek the death penalty. The trial starts in a couple of weeks and I have been called as a witness for both the defense and prosecution. I am not sure I can handle all the pressure anymore... I am going to kill myself.... I'm going to Burger King!. ___________________________________________________