______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| -------------------------------------------------- The Electronic Humor Magazine -------------------------------------------------- Version 1 Release B February 1995 Editor: Dave Bealer Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Printed on 100% recycled electrons Filmed before a virtual studio audience Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX4 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications ....................................01 Editorial - All Mediocre Things... ................................01 Brighton Bealer Memoirs ...........................................03 A Skein Is Only 360 Feet...........................................05 Save the Whales!...................................................07 RAH Humor Review: Opus 'N Bill On The Road Again...................08 The Twit Filter: E-Mag Editors.....................................10 Publisher Forges Alliance With Software Creations..................11 DREAM FORGE Subscription Information ..............................11 Announcements .....................................................11 Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway ..............11 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3 Random Access Humor Page 1 February 1995 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone). You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And Right (Reformed). Have a nice day. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mental Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1 ===================================================================== Amount per serving Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5 ===================================================================== % daily value Total fatheads: 2 15 Saturated fatheads: 1 24 Castor Oil: 0 0 Silliness: 11 110 Total Comic content: 51 Actual jokes: 37 73 Puns: 14 1145 --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - All Mediocre Things... by Dave Bealer Everyone wants to be a writer -- at least it often seems that way. How many times have you heard someone say, "I'm gonna write a book about that someday?" Almost none of the people that threaten to write a book ever sit down and actually do it. I'm one of those people. It's not so much that I've always wanted to be a writer, it's more like I always have been a writer. A natural at spelling and grammar, words and sentences are not a problem. Overcoming my intense natural laziness was always the problem. Random Access Humor Page 2 February 1995 Constantly full of ideas for stories (among other things), I kept trying to start writing the "Great American Novel." My complete lack of success was typical of such efforts. All of these attempts, which never got beyond a few paragraphs or pages before running out of steam, were serious fiction. Back in July 1992 another idea arose, this time for a humor piece, a parody combining the Olympic Games with FidoNet. Much to my surprise the piece was quickly completed. Even more surprising, other ideas for short humor began flowing. It turns out that short articles and stories are more compatible with my limited attention span than the novels I had been trying to write. Two and half years later I'm not much closer to writing any of those novels. The short fiction and non-fiction is still flowing, but the jokes don't seem as fresh as they did in the beginning. I don't plan to stop writing humor any time soon, but I do want to branch out a bit. RAH has been an interesting hobby, but it has its limitations. The main problem I had with RAH as a free e-mag was the fact that I had no way of knowing how many people were reading the magazine. Only forty people responded to the 1994 RAH Reader Survey. I'd like to believe more people than that were reading RAH, but there's no way to prove it. For me, charging for DREAM FORGE is as much a way of keeping score as anything else. My journey in electronic publishing is not over. The way I look at it, I'm trading in my first electronic publishing vehicle for a new one - a luxury job with lots of flashy chrome and a horn that plays "Tijuana Taxi." But no matter where DREAM FORGE takes me, bad or good, I will always have fond memories of RAH. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has ever written for RAH, whether they were accepted or not. If not, keep trying. If so, drop us a line at DREAM FORGE when you have something new. Special thanks go to Greg Borek and Ray Koziel. They were the only two people I could count on to submit something almost every month. I also want to thank all RAH distributors, ranging from the few who were listed in the back of every issue since the first, to readers who liked RAH so much that they uploaded it to BBSs in their area. Extra special thanks go to Ed Bakker, who spent a lot of time and money spreading word of RAH around Europe. Most of all I want to thank the readers. Without you, this whole thing would have been as pointless as a bunch of hype about the murder trial of an ex-football player. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- (The following preview has been deemed suitable for any idiot willing to read it.) Just because RAH, the e-mag, is ending production, don't be discouraged. Look for: "RAH: The Motion Picture" Starring: Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Tom Berringer, Tom Dooley, and Tom, Tom The Piper's Son. Featuring: Meryl Streep as Vinnie. Coming: Summer 1995 A RipOff Film Random Access Humor Page 3 February 1995 Brighton Bealer Memoirs by Dave Bealer Some people don't like their own names. Of all the billions of problems that can afflict human beings, that has to be one of the worst. After all, your name affects the way people view you throughout your life. For proof look at the Zappa kids, Dweezil and Moon Unit. Of all the millions of problems I've faced in my life, having to deal with a dopey name is not one of them. Mine was a narrow escape, though. My mother once admitted that she wanted to name me Brighton. Brighton Bealer? Apparently Mom fell off the same flying saucer as Frank Zappa. Luckily, Dad put a stop to that nonsense before it got started and I ended up with the perfectly normal name of David. Mom was the only person I knew well who called me David. There is something in the mental makeup of most mothers that forces them to refer to all their children by their entire first names. Not that I minded. David is an acceptable name -- in Hebrew it means "beloved." Always short for my age (5' 7" is short for 37, isn't it?), I had to put up with a few slingshot jokes in school, but it wasn't that bad. About the only real problem I have with it is due to childhood years of watching the national television news with my parents. In the unlikely event someone says "Good night, David" to me, I have to fight down the urge to reply, "Good night, Chet, and good night for NBC News." Other than David Brinkley, I naturally identify with other famous Davids and Daves, both real and fictional. My first memory of this is from 1968, when I saw _2001: A Space Odyssey_ with some friends. For the next few weeks I had to put up with the little creeps answering my every request with their best HAL 9000 impressions, "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." Even today I occasionally run into that response from a particularly demented coworker. It's comforting to know that the last human in the universe will be named Dave. This according to "Red Dwarf," the British science fiction situation comedy series. Dave Lister, the last human, is a chicken soup dispenser repair technician (third class) on the mining ship _Red Dwarf_. Under normal circumstances, Lister ranked below "the man who changed the bog rolls." (I can readily identify with an underachiever of that magnitude.) Now, stuck three million years in the future, Lister has the run of the ship. The problem is that Dave's only companions are Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunk mate (whom Lister loathed), a prissy android named Kryten, and Cat, the humanoid descendent (that evolved over three million years) of Lister's pet cat. About the only thing I really have in common with Lister, besides being an underachiever, is that we both like spicy food and hate exercise. Random Access Humor Page 4 February 1995 Another fictional Dave I have come to like is Glenn Ford's character from _Pocketful of Miracles_, Dave "The Dude" Conway. A gambler, bootlegger, and racketeer, this Dave is nobody's chicken soup dispenser repairman. Tough and slick on the outside, The Dude turns out, in classic movie style, to have a heart of gold. Dave Barry is widely known as the funniest man in America. His reputation is well earned. This Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the _Miami Herald_ is syndicated in hundreds of newspapers worldwide every weekend. Knight-Ridder, the company that owns the _Herald_, withdrew Dave's column from ClariNet, the Internet's own newspaper, last year. K-R took this action over a flap about the column being redistributed illegally on the net. The illegal actions of a few brain-dead yahoos whose rallying cry was "information wants to be free" caused those Dave Barry fans who are also legitimate subscribers to ClariNet-carrying systems (this writer included) to have to purchase a several pound stack of newsprint every Sunday just so we can read the great man's words. When are these clowns going to realize that creative people (the worthwhile ones) won't work for free, at least forever? "Dave's World," the top ten sitcom based on Dave's columns, stars Harry Anderson as Dave himself. The show can be seen Monday nights on CBS. Not everything is rosy on the Dave front, I'm sorry to say. One of my least favorite television personalities is "Super" Dave Osborne, of cable infamy. This guy doesn't have to worry about having his stuff stolen by net denizens because he's so irretrievably lame. David Letterman inherited Johnny Carson's title as the "King of Late Night Talk Show Hosts" a few years back when Johnny retired. The last time I watched Dave regularly was back in the early eighties when I was in college -- anything was more fun than doing homework. No, that's not fair. David Letterman is a funny man. His "stupid pet tricks" were a fun innovation. Still, there was something about Johnny Carson that nobody else has been able to duplicate. At least Paul Shaffer is a better bandleader than Doc Severnsen, plus Paul has a better band. A few years back the U.S. National Weather Service started naming hurricanes after men as well as women. Color me sexist, but I was a little incensed when the first really destructive hurricane given a masculine name was Hurricane David. We Davids just aren't like that, unless we have a slingshot. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and publishes electronically. Dave can be reached at: dbealer@dreamforge.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: Bill Clinton promised us a "New Covenant." Hilary will be in charge of the new coven. Random Access Humor Page 5 February 1995 A Skein Is Only 360 Feet by Greg Borek Boss! Hey, boss! Got a minute? Well, I... That's great, that's great! Listen to this. Knock your socks off. The boys in research were playing around with a "chkdsk" file. You know, one of those fruit-loopy "file0000.chk" files chkdsk.com makes from the lost scraps on a hard disk. Following? I, uh,... That's great. Now Binkleman,... you know, Binkleman? The weird one Studman hired? Nothing to look at, but a brilliant, diseased mind. Anyway Binkleman says he's always suspected that there was some sort of pattern to these files. Paranoia in capital letters or what? So guess what he does? Did he... No, even worse. He starts playing around with the bits in the file: shifting every other character 24 bits left, the other characters 18 bits right, subtracting 27, and passing the result through a substitution cypher using "peach flavored werewolves" as the key. Scoobey-do, guess what he comes up with? Listen: Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by this sun of York; And all the clouds that... Know what that is? Well that's... Gibberish, I know. Rechecking his work, he realized he should only be shifting every other character only 22 bits, not 24. Wow! What a bonehead play! Guess what he comes up with then? I'll read it: To be, or not to be, that is the question; Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,... And stuff like that. It goes on for pages and pages. Why that's... I know, I know...a complete waste of time. I told him, "Lad, you're barking." A bit strong I know, but one must be firm with the young ones or they don't learn. He went off and started in a completely new direction based on...guess what? I couldn't... Random Access Humor Page 6 February 1995 That's right, a 4th order Bessel function. Great guess. Wrong, of course, but wonderful potential this Binkleman. Multiplying each byte by the Permeability of Free Space, 4 * 10e-7 Wb/Am, then dividing by the speed of light times absolute zero C yielded...guess what? Come on, guess? Listen: 2 cups flour 3 egg whites 6 oz. butter 3-1/2 oz. granulated sugar 1 pinch salt 1 qt. fresh blueberries 3 egg yolks Preheat the oven to 375. Mix all the ingredients... ...and so on, including serving instructions and nutritional information. Might as well be a Crime Bill. Nonsense at it's worse. What do you make of that, huh? Quite a... Yes, other than a recipe for a rather yummy blueberry pie, complete gibberish. Can you believe the things these guys will come up with? Only a... Now don't be to hard on him. I might have made the same mistake myself in my younger days on one of those nights when I lost yet another drinking competition. But here is where the story gets interesting. I got involved. I knew the answer to this conundrum was not far off. "Use you brain, not you fingers, Binkleman", I said. What would be a likely thing to try next? If you... Calcium tetraborate, CaB4O7! Yes, that's exactly what I thought at first, but I made the same mistake. See it? No? Well, when we did it the wrong way we got: * Children below the age of 7 should use the microwave with a supervising person very near to them. Between the ages of 7 and 12, the supervising person should be in the same room. * The child must be able to reach the oven comfortably; if not, he/she should stand on a sturdy stool. * At no time should anyone be allowed to lean or swing on the oven door.... See the flaw in the equation? A square hectometer is only 2.471044 acres US but 2.471058 acres British. When we put in the correct value the answer plopped out right in our laps, without so much as a "By your leave". We got something clear as the lint in your bellybutton. Ready? I could... Random Access Humor Page 7 February 1995 No, this is really hot! Listen to this, if you can: People of Earth. Your puny planet is about to invaded by the infinitely superior forces of the HotCrossedBuns Star Empire. Resistance is futile. Make peace with whatever deity you worship. You have only until February 1, Earth date when the first icing and raspberry sauce ships will land in Taledo, Ohio, USA,... Taledo? I... Damn. You're right. Taledo's spelled wrong. I must have screwed up the math. Shit, I thought I rechecked my math. I must look like a real Herbert. Sorry to waste your time like this. No problem. {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via e-mail at: gborek@dreamforge.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- Save the Whales! by Mark Lamb Why, you ask? Because, if you send ten(10) whales to the U.S. Dept. of Fishy Wildlife, they'll send you, completely free of charge [1], a CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring! The CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring is made from 100% natural ingredients [2], and is guaranteed by the NSA [3] to be 100% secure from decryption by non-law enforcement entities. [4] Yes, you can be the first on your block to own the one and only CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring! Send messages to your friends, family, accomplices, and fellow eco-warriors; secure in the knowledge that those nasty Kapitalist Korporate Earth Rapist type people won't know what your message is! Just the thing for reporting the transgressions of those aforementioned Korporate Earth Rapists to your local EPA office! Receive and decode directives from the Environmentalist's Environmentalist, the Grand High Poohbah of Green Thought, Vice President Al Gore! [5] Help fight the war to protect our Dear Mother Earth from the plastic-wielding masses! Write letters to the editor for your local newspaper, or stories for major national newspapers, magazines and news wires, in completely unintelligible gibberish! [6] Remember, that's ten(10) whales, and only ten(10) whales sent to: [7] U.S. Dept. of Fishy Wildlife Washington, DC So start collecting your whales today! You won't regret it! Random Access Humor Page 8 February 1995 [1] Except for the $495.99 Shipping & Handling fee, 7.75% sales tax, mandatory $500 donation to an unspecified environmental organization, 14% value added tax, and 3.1415% value subtracted tax. [2] CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring is made from totally new, certified clean, 100% radium impregnated poly-vinyl-chloride (PVC). [3] Encryption developed at AT&T, following 15 years of taxpayer funded research. Basic encryption scheme is derived from the known secure "Caesar cipher;" details unavailable to further ensure security. [4] All recipients must provide copies of their encryption keys to the appropriate government agencies. Keys will not be used without due process. We're the government, you can trust us. [5] For the minimal mandatory donation of $250, you will receive an encrypted letter from Mr. Gore himself, which provides a listing of the topics covered in his book, as well as a $2 coupon towards the purchase of the book. [6] Experimentation has indicated that ownership of the CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring may not, strictly speaking, be absolutely necessary for this step. [7] Whales and a check made out to "Al Gore," must be sent via First Class Mail, postage paid. Current rates are $0.32/ounce, but are subject to rapid change. Contact your local postmaster to obtain current rate information, or call (800) RIP-OFFS for rate information (updated hourly). {RAH} -------------- Mark Lamb can be reached at: dragon@freedom.org --------------------------------------------------------------------- RAH Humor Review: Opus 'N Bill On The Road Again by Dave Bealer Screen savers are big business -- Berkeley Systems made a fortune off their industry standard After Dark package. Another Berkeley is now getting into the act. Berkeley Breathed is the cartoonist who made his name in the 1980s with "Bloom County." The second screen saver featuring Bill the Cat and Opus the Penguin, the twice unsuccessful Meadow Party presidential ticket and stars of "Bloom County," is now on the shelves of your favorite software retailer. Opus 'N Bill On The Road Again is published by Delrina. It uses Delrina's Intermission display engine for Windows. Systems equipped with a sound card can produce the sound effects that are available with most modules. Intermission also displays After Dark modules for those who cannot do without their Flying Toasters. A few O&B modules display over whatever Windows had on the screen when Intermission activates. My favorite in that category is Bill and Opus (in tutus) skating around the screen. Random Access Humor Page 9 February 1995 Most of the O&B modules are full screen, replacing whatever was there before. A few of the funnier ones are: "Uneasy Riders" - you are in a blue Mercedes tooling down the highway behind the motorcycle-mounted title characters, Bill (complete with skull and crossbones helmet) and Opus, who are occasionally accompan- ied by an insect. Opus and the insect take turns falling off and usually end up on your windshield. When that's not happening Bill is hawking up hairballs, which always splatter on your windshield too. This module sets the tone for the classiness of this product. "Butthead Bill" - this ode to flying toasters features flying hearts (of the valentine variety). "Buttheaded Bill" and Opus, in the guise of cupid, share the screen with the hearts. Opus shoots down a heart with his bow from time to time. Opus, who has no visible quiver, always has another arrow available immediately. AD&D players may recognize this syndrome. "Tax This" - shows a jeans-clad Opus walking around on a sheet of uncut dollar bills. The wacky penguin draws some graffiti on one of the bills, moons the viewers, the scampers away as an IRS patrol car shows up. The car disgorges two suit-clad, mop wielding Feds, who clean up the mess. "Pistachios" - our heroes sit watching the tube, Opus munching on pistachios. He gives Bill a suspect pistachio to try - Bill's out- landish reaction confirms the penguin's suspicion. "Dancing Opus" - Opus does his best Fred Astaire impression in an attempt to cheer up a dejected Bill. "Bugs" - insects have infested your screen. Our heroes deal with the problem in their own ways. Opus uses a swatter, while Bill prefers to swallow the pests. "Information Highway" - A dazed Bill attempts to cross a multi-lane highway without being struck by any of the computer equipment cruising along at different speeds. The whole thing is reminiscent of the ancient video game Frogger. Whenever Bill gets run over, an ambulance notebook scoops him up and rushes him off the screen. "Opus In Space" - really a primitive version of the video game Defender. You control Opus's ship as he tries to destroy the invaders. I'm as lousy at this game as I was at Defender. I'd love to blame my problems on the Pentium processor (not inaccuracies, just the speed) in my system, but the truth is I'm just a klutz. "Opus Of The Jungle" - finds Opus residing in a thatched hut on a tree limb far above the jungle floor. He periodically comes out and, providing he remembered to wear his loin cloth, starts zooming around on vines until he smashes into something. Sometimes Opus has company - a really stacked human female (obviously a flightless seabird fancier). Random Access Humor Page 10 February 1995 "Hairball" - Bill coughs up a hairball (trust me, it's not nearly as disgusting as the real thing) Opus tries to clean it up, but it gets loose and starts chasing Opus around the screen. The really funny part is how much time I spent sitting in front of my computer cataloging these silly saver modules. At least I had the excuse of having to write a review. I've seen whole groups of people sitting around offices watching the antics of a new screen saver. I can't wait to read the results of the first serious study (government funded, no doubt) of how much office productivity is lost while people watch their new "Star Wars: Jedi X-Wing Toasters Strike Back" screen saver. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Twit Filter: E-Mag Editors by Dave Bealer This final installment of The Twit Filter will take a slightly different approach than its predecessors. Rick Arnold and I have each been trying to publish two electronic magazines per month for the past two months and things begin to stack up. The Bureau of Really Unlikely Statistics has predicted that by the year 2003 every human being on the planet will be editing and publishing at least three e-mags every month. This article is dedicated to helping all you prospective editors out there avoid ending up in too many twit filters. Take the following advice with a few 55 gallon drums of salt: 1) Specialize. The world won't need 9 billion different versions of THE NEW YORKER. Besides, DREAM FORGE already has the one available general interest e-mag slot. 2) Spelling, grammar and punctuation do count, even in electronic publishing. Just because your words won't be printed on paper doesn't excuse you from learning the craft of writing. 3) Don't be afraid to say no to lousy submissions, even if they're from your family, friends, or co-workers. Publishing a rotten piece won't do the the writer any good, and it certainly won't help the reputation of either you or your e-mag. 4) Specialize. Better make it something you like to read about, not to mention write about, otherwise you'll get tired of it real fast. The more material you can churn out yourself, the better off you are. 5) Be patient with distributors. Sure, you can demand fair treatment, but don't expect better service than any other software vendor. 6) Be patient with writers. Unless you can write all your content yourself, you need these people. Criticize (and reject) when necessary, but always try to be encouraging. You may not be able to use the first two or three pieces submitted by a particular writer, but with constructive criticism you may turn him into a regular contributor. Random Access Humor Page 11 February 1995 7) No matter how taken you are with the latest hypermedia gizmos, think seriously about offering an ASCII text version in addition to any fancy editions. Visually impaired users make use of reading software that works with ASCII text files. Going graphics-only will needlessly eliminate a large segment of your potential market. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Publisher Forges Alliance With Software Creations Dream Forge, Inc. has named Software Creations, the giant PC Board system in Clinton, MA., the Home BBS for DREAM FORGE Magazine. "This agreement will allow us to concentrate on our primary goal of producing the best electronic magazine available," said Dave Bealer, President of Dream Forge. Software Creations BBS (SWC) has twice been voted the #1 BBS in North America by the readers of BOARDWATCH Magazine. SWC callers will be able to purchase copies of the current issue and back issues of DREAM FORGE for immediate download using a credit card. Subscriptions may also be purchased online. Individual sub- scribers and DREAM FORGE distributors will be able to pick up their monthly copies of the magazine at SWC. A support conference will also be offered where readers, distributors, and authors may contact the DREAM FORGE staff. SWC can be reached by modem at: (508) 365-2359 (1200/2400 bps) (508) 368-7036 (14400 bps/V.32bis) (508) 365-9352 (28800 bps/V.FC) SWC is also accessible directly from the internet: telnet bbs.swcbbs.com (or rlogin) ===================================================================== <<(*=-- DREAM FORGE --=*)>> MAGAZINE <<((*=-- The electronic for your mind! --=*))>> ===================================================================== (formerly RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR and RUNE'S RAG) DREAM FORGE Dream Forge, Inc., 6400 Baltimore National Pike, # 201 Baltimore, MD 21228-3915 Modem: (410) 437-3463 (data to 28800 bps) Publisher: Dave Bealer Managing Editor: Rick Arnold DREAM FORGE (tm) is a monthly e-magazine for a thinking and literate readership. What goes into DREAM FORGE? Take the zany satire and taglines that made RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR an international sensation, then carefully blend the insightful commentary and fiction of RUNE'S RAG. Shake well (it annoys the staff), and you have DREAM FORGE, a new magazine for the brave new world of cyberspace. Random Access Humor Page 12 February 1995 The January and February issues of DREAM FORGE will be free demo issues. Starting with the March 1995 issue, DREAM FORGE will only be available to subscribers, or those who purchase individual copies from Official DREAM FORGE Distributors located throughout cyberspace. DREAM FORGE Subscription Rates (all amounts are in US dollars): INDIVIDUAL: - via Internet e-mail, or picked up by subscriber from the publisher's BBS) $12/yr. - via Regular Mail on 3.5" DOS Disk: $24/yr. (US/Canada only) (residents of other countries, inquire for rates) To subscribe, mail your check or money order (made payable to Dream Forge, Inc.) to: Dream Forge, Inc. 6400 Baltimore National Pike, #201 Baltimore, MD. 21228-3915 For internet subscriptions, include your email address. If you will pick up the issues at the publisher's BBS, include your desired User Name and password. * DREAM FORGE is a trademark of Dream Forge, Inc. ===================================================================== Other DF documents available: writers@dreamforge.com DREAM FORGE Writer's Guidelines odfd@dreamforge.com Info for prospective Official DREAM FORGE Distributors --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations A major government siege situation occurred in California in January. No, we're not talking about the media outside Judge Ito's courtroom. The SEC, EEOC, FBI, CIA, FDA, NEA, NAFTA, and UPN stormed the Silly- con Valley headquarters of Vaporware Corporation on January 20th. The government was responding to complaints of rampant political incorrectness. Oh, yeah, there was also something about missing government agents. Most of Vaporware's employees were evacuated, questioned, treated, and released. A siege started when Vaporware CEO Luther Lecks and Security Director Vinnie Calamari barricaded themselves in an office behind a wall of America Online diskettes. The tense standoff ended nine days later when the erstwhile captives walked out of the building unchallenged. Apparently all of the officials enforcing the blockade fell asleep while watching Super Bowl XXIX on portable televisions. Random Access Humor Page 13 February 1995 Police later tried to follow a trail of hamster foam left by pets belonging to one of the fugitives. The foam trail was obscured by four men in hooded sweaters chasing a white Bronco through the Brentwood section of Los Angeles and the trail was lost. LAPD is reportedly questioning Reggie Jackson, Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, and all the usual suspects. - - - DREAM FORGE BBS will go online by March 1, 1995. A two-line Wildcat system, it will share FidoNet message areas with The Virtual Word. DREAM FORGE will also offer subscribers access to internet email and USENET newsgroups. BBS Subscribers will also receive an individual subscription to DREAM FORGE Magazine. The phone number will be: (410)255-6229. One line will be 14.4 initially, but both lines will be V.34 Dual Standard eventually. - - - The deadline for submissions for the March 1995 issue of DREAM FORGE is 02/20/94. --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage. The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can. He who laughs last is generally a bit slow. Intel - still number 0.999873464508 "Bother," said Pooh, as he found a politician in his honey. Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have sharp objects. Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists. I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died. Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano." "Bother," said Pooh, and called in an air strike. It's a SMALL war, can I have it? Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand. Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready. 1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman. If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt! Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O. This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities. Random Access Humor Page 14 February 1995 People like that are the reason we have middle fingers. I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco. Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about. The proverbial proprietor provides practical proverbs. If it's not violent...what fun is it? The gene pool could use a little chlorine. In DoubleSpace no one can hear your data scream. A single fact can ruin a good argument. Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again. Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse. Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel! Please reply if you don't get this message. This product sadistically tested on gerbils. All stressed out and no one to choke. "Bummer," said Pooh when Tigger dropped the joint in the honey jar. The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. Next from Intel: the Repentium. I did NOT escape....they gave me a day pass. I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got. "Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape. If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles. G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns. Cat bathing is a martial art. I'm not so much human as cat furniture. Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton. Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch. Random Access Humor Page 15 February 1995 I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific. (c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today. Mars needs women - no experience necessary! "Bother," said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats. Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context. Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes. Circular definition: see definition, circular. I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died! ...and if you think THAT'S weird... Random Access Humor Page A-1 February 1995 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Associate Editor: Greg Borek Contact: The Virtual Word BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-28800/V.34) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dbealer@dreamforge.com gborek@dreamforge.com Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA >> Legal Junk << Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September - June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Random Access Humor Page A-2 February 1995 >> Where to Get RAH << Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Virtual Word BBS. RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP: etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.8) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip) ftp.clark.net (168.143.0.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT) (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP) (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP) RAH Distribution System: Since this was the last issue, it doesn't really need one, does it? Still, the following systems have supported RAH, some of them for years. My thanks to all of them. Some of these systems carry back issues of RAH, and a few carry all existing RAH issues. -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Alberta The Darkland BBS Edmonton 1:342/808 (403) 486-5835 V.32bis Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 531-0479 V.FC The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/302 (416) 299-1164 Z19 Uncle Sphincter's Westover 1:221/279 (519) 624-0134 HST/Dual -= FRANCE =- The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= ITALY =- Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19 Random Access Humor Page A-3 February 1995 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.FC TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Digital Frame Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.FC -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890010 V.32bis The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32 -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-1599400 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 HST/Dual Arizona Mission Control Flagstaff (NoFido) (602) 527-1854 V.FC California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Jacksonville 1:112/129 (904) 777-6799 V.FC The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Georgia D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2682 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 V.FC Random Access Humor Page A-4 February 1995 Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 744-1102 V.Every Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.FC The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.Every Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32bis Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Batcave Brooklyn 1:278/204 (718) 694-0433 HST/Dual Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Tennessee The Outback Cottage Grove 1:3664/5 (901) 782-3513 V.32bis Texas Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual C-Link Grand Prairie 1:124/7022 (214) 223-8338 V.32bis Utah Vital Signs West Jordan 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Wings and Wheels Chesapeake 1:275/9 (804) 420-2880 V.FC Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 326-1123 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis West Virginia Blue Powder BBS St. Albans 1:279/27 (304) 727-6733 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis ===================================================================== Random Access Humor Page A-5 February 1995 Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137 ===================================================================== It's been fun, gang. Thank you, and good night.