______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| -------------------------------------------------- The Electronic Humor Magazine -------------------------------------------------- Version 1 Release 3 April 1994 Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Printed on 100% recycled electrons Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - Online Chat: For the Birds?............................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 The Incredible Shrinking Data Center...............................03 April Fools in Cyberspace..........................................05 In Search of Ancient Comedians.....................................05 If Computer Nerds Controlled Network Programming...................07 Roadkill on the Information Highway................................08 The Q&A Man from PC-Computing Goes Insane..........................09 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................11 Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................14 In Memory of John Candy............................................15 The Twit Filter: The Retroactive Architect.........................15 The RAH Humor Review: More Python Alumni Tapes.....................16 Announcements......................................................17 Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............17 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3 Random Access Humor Page 1 April 1994 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Online Chat: For the Birds? by Dave Bealer I'm hardly the most efficient person in the world. Greg Borek has commented that most RAH readers would flip if they saw the stunningly messy conditions under which RAH is produced and distributed. The utter chaos that reigns in my little loft office (and, indeed, the rest of my home) serves to cancel out any innate sense of efficiency I might possess. The fact that I'm a natural born slob doesn't help matters. Despite all this, there are a few things even I consider too time- wasting and inefficient. Online chat is one of them. Don't get me wrong, I don't object to anyone engaging in online chat so long as I'm not expected to participate. I've never been a big conversationalist on the telephone, either. I don't have a problem using the telephone, which is good since it's tough to live in modern society without using the silly things. But I've always preferred talking to a person face to face or engaging in written communication. OTOH, when you need to talk to someone who is hundreds or thousands of miles away, using the telephone is much more efficient that travelling to where the other person is located. What's the difference between hardcopy or e-mail communication and online chat, you may ask? The difference is that with the first two, I'm not forced to sit at my computer watching my correspondent type the message. Many people fail to realize that watching someone write is about the most boring activity in the world. No matter how vivid or exciting the end product will be, observing the actual writing process is tedium personified. Random Access Humor Page 2 April 1994 Another bonus with online chat is that I've often made a long distance call to dial into the system where the chat is taking place. Thus I get to fill up the idle seconds when the other person is writing a thoughtful reply to worry about how large my phone bill will be next month. (Did I mention that I'm a *cheap* slob?) These factors may help explain why I turned off the "page sysop" function on my BBS over a year ago. They also serve to explain why I never answer pages from other users on systems I call. When the sysop breaks in for a chat, there's little I can do about it short of hanging up. Since even I'm not usually that rude, I simply beg out of the conversation as quickly as possible. So if you ever see me logged on a BBS or online system don't page me. If you do page me and there is no response, please don't take it personally. I don't do online chat. - - - It recently came to my attention that there's at least one person in Palmetto, Florida with *way* too much time on his hands. Wayne Downing uploaded a couple of RAH-related programs he wrote. TAGS.EXE contains all the taglines published in RAH from 09/92 thru 03/94 and will display a randomly selected group of them on request. The user gets to determine how many taglines will be displayed. The only drawback is that you have to enter the desired number of taglines in response to a prompt - there's no way to supply the number as a command-line parameter. This limits the usefulness of the program in a batch file environment. INDEX.EXE contains an index of all RAH articles from 09/92 thru 03/94 (a promised future version have a self-expanding index). If you place the ASCII text edition of all the RAH issues in the same directory with INDEX, the program will allow you to read the articles as well. Both programs are available for download/file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (1:261/1129) in file area RAH. Filename: WDUTIL10.ZIP. These programs require MS-DOS. This goes to prove that at least some of you out there take RAH much more seriously than I do. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lettuce to the Editor Dear Deranged Editor: I'm afraid I will be unable to read your fine publication for a while. I am going on a long trip to Haiti. You may wonder why I'm going there on such short notice. I'm off to the abode of my parental units. My dad's IDE controller bought the farm, and I heard them performing voodoo rights over the embalmed carcass of the tower case. Random Access Humor Page 3 April 1994 I need to go over there and fix it before they try stuffing chicken feathers into the floppy drives or pouring goats' blood into the power supply. God only knows what they would do if it had been a boot sector virus instead! Still, if they bury it before I get there, I'm afraid it might be beyond repair even if the coffin is air-tight. Wish me luck! Sincerely, A Faithful Reader - - - - - - - - Dear Faithful Reader, It sounds like your parental units should get a hobby, like consuming mass quantities of fried chicken embryos. A Deranged Editor - - - - - - - - - - - - We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to: Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129 You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions) and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129). --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Incredible Shrinking Data Center by Dave Bealer Just three decades ago monsters ruled the data center. No, not the managers, although many of them had certain monstrous properties. This was the era of the mainframes, near the end of the Big Iron Age. A single computer filled a good sized room, and programs ran one at a time, which was good enough for everyone. A decade later the giant mainframe was still king, although this Jurassic Iron was being challenged by upstarts with the wimpy title of "mini-computer." Since even the name was non-threatening, the mainframe mavens ignored the minis. Properly written programs could execute simultaneously, which increased throughput, while poorly written programs would crash the system. A small price to pay for progress. Just over 10 years ago the tiny personal computer (PC) escaped the grasp of the hobbyists and invaded the sanctity of the corporate computing environment. A laughable new toy, the personal computer would obviously never be a threat. There wasn't even a good COBOL compiler available for the PC, so how could it ever hope to run "serious" applications? Random Access Humor Page 4 April 1994 Once it became apparent, even to the least observant EDP types, that people really *were* using PCs to do serious work, the real question became how to exert complete control over their use. End users could never be trusted with an important decision such as how to use the company's precious computing resources. Only highly trained (and paid) data processing professionals were qualified to decide these things. The last decade has brought some amazing size reductions in the "foot print" of computer hardware. Mainframes are now little larger than the mini-computers of old. Mini-computers themselves have been largely squeezed out by competition from super-powered PCs and workstations. Portable computers are now available that place all the power of a mighty desktop machine in the palm of your hand. Despite these "advances," all is not lost for the professionals. Nearly everyone wants to use data that only exists on another PC. The logical solution is to "network" all the PCs in a department/ company together. Local Area Networks (LANs) allow this data sharing, but introduce many of the same complexities that made mainframes so difficult to master. As the needs of the flock change, so too do the mysteries guarded by the high-tech priests of EDP. In the old days there was a terminal on every desk connected to a multi-million dollar mainframe. Today the custom is to have a modest "workstation" PC on every desk connected to a large, well equipped, $10,000 "server" PC. Much of the overall processing power is distri- buted to the individual desktop. Users remain happy as long as all the game software they bring from home runs on their "work"station. Even more money is saved by the fact that most network servers fit in a closet, rather than requiring an large air-conditioned room with raised flooring. Many empty raised-flooring computer rooms are being converted into drafty office space and miniature golf courses (no joke - this author once helped design and build such a course). Even worse, computers no longer need a desk to call home. Engineers can compute critical product specs on a laptop while wolfing down styro-burgers at their favorite fast food joint. Accountants can embezzle funds from the privacy of their own cars using cellular modems. The next generation of Cray super computers will fit in a backpack, finally allowing scientists this same kind of mobility. One major benefit of all this downsizing is the reduced energy needs of a closet-sized computer center as opposed to a city-block sized center. Some of these savings will be lost to the fact that every- body, including the janitor, will soon have their own Pentium- equipped PC. Also a problem are misguided folks who leave the PC turned on 24 hours a day in an effort to keep the hard disk from wearing out. They ignore the fact that the average new 528 MB hard disk will be outgrown and replaced with a 16GB drive long before it wears out. This is called planned obsolescence through increasingly bloated software. {RAH} -------------- Random Access Humor Page 5 April 1994 Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- April Fools in Cyberspace by Greg Borek Cyberspace. The fiber frontier. These are the logons of the starcrossed wubblies. {Ed. note: April Fool! Greg didn't turn in an article this month like he promised. Vinnie has been dispatched to fire a couple of warning shots into his head. We expect better compliance in the future.} --------------------------------------------------------------------- In Search of Ancient Comedians by Erich von Daniken (a.k.a. Robert Hankins) On an island in the South Pacific known as Easter Island, the remnants of the first civilization are the giant gods carved in rock and stone. Strolling among these huge pagan objects, one can only think of a race long dead and so totally separated from us by time, it is though they never existed. But if these so-called "giant god formations" are viewed from the air, they take on a new meaning. One of the gods, it appears, has slipped on a banana peel, and the other gods seem to be laughing at him. Shortly before his death, comedian Stan Laurel was interviewed by Richard Perkins. When asked about the famous "banana routine" of Laurel and Hardy which inspired director David Lean and countless others, Laurel said he had once seen it happen to a milkman in York, then nervously tried to change the subject. When Perkins pressured him about it, Laurel said, "I can neither deny nor confirm the routine's origin as being that of the rock formations on Easter Island, but I understand it is a very old joke." He needn't have said more, the answer was crystal clear. What is not clear is how the pagans of Easter Island could have conceived of such a sophisticated "bit" during their time. Could it be they were given such knowledge by ancient visitors from the heavens, who not only possessed physical knowledge of space travel but also a keen sense of humor? In the year 312, shortly before their victory at the Battle of Milvian Bridge, Constantine The Great's troops were camping one night. Late into the evening a stranger approached and began to tell the men a fantastic tale about a nomadic seller of wares who was without lodging. The nomad found refuge with a local peasant who told him, "We've no guest room, so you can sleep in my daughter's bed --- but be warned, you must resist her charms lest you will surely die." When the morning came, the nomad informed the peasant that he Random Access Humor Page 6 April 1994 gave in to temptation and had his way with the girl. As a penance, he granted the peasant his belongings, including all of his wares and both of his oxen. When the nomad was gone, the daughter emerged from her room. "How'd we do this time?" she asked. The peasant replied, "Well, if we sell only the oxen, I figure we won't need jobs for the next fifteen years!" Constantine's army went into an uproar, and there was much rejoicing and mirth. They invited the stranger to partake of food and drink with them, and he continued his fabulous stories, such as the fable about the fat man who sat "around the house." Constantine was so impressed that he asked the stranger to join them and become their master story-teller. "I cannot," he replied. "My work here is done. Now I must travel due west to see a man about a goat." And with that he vanished into the night. Even the skeptical have to give a nod to the cave drawings at Altamira, Spain. There on the underground walls, our Cro-Magnon ancestors rendered images of herds of bison, mammoths, and evidence of early practical jokes. In one famous scene, one man is bending to sit in a chair when it is pulled out from under him by a second man. The first man then retaliates by throwing a pie at the second man, but the second man ducks and the pie hits a third man, not the intended victim. Another scene shows a man tying a sleeping man's shoe laces together. When matches came along the shoe lace bit was dropped entirely in favor of the more popular "hot-foot". Of course, we can only interpret these drawings, which are at best, primitive stick figures. One controversial scene in the Lascaux cave in France shows two men who are apparently shaking hands. We think that either the man on the right is asking the man on the left to "pull his finger", or that the man on the left is the victim of one of the first crudely built "joy-buzzers" of the time: a primitive rubber band with a sharp thorn tied around it, easily concealed in a prankster's palm. Sometimes these ancient joy buzzers could be lethal when the stinger of an asp was used in place of an ordinary thorn. This may be how Cleopatra died. Wiltshire, England is the home of Stonehenge, which scientists have traced back to 1845 B.C. It took hundreds of workers to arrange these huge stones which can barely be lifted by the most modern equipment --- all to create what many believe to be a giant celestial calendar. Considering all of its splendor it is still rather primitive: if you needed to remember an important dinner party or mark your grandmother's birthday, you couldn't just check it off or draw a circle around the number like we can on today's calendars. In 1948 Henry Childs compiled all available information on Stonehenge, then fed it into the giant LUMMOX computer in Riverside, Iowa. After deciphering the statistics for eighty three hours and seventeen minutes, the machine spit out a single card with holes punched in it. It read "Take my spouse, I implore you!" followed by a rim-shot. {RAH} -------------- Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA. No other information about him is available, as he's in the Federal Witless Protection Program. Random Access Humor Page 7 April 1994 If Computer Nerds Controlled Network Programming by Robert S. Coats Gilligan's Island: The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his papaya- based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks about playing Leisure Suit Larry IV with Mary Ann. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidentally dropped by a passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls CompuServe and emails some software developers in an effort to convince them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters to each other. Beverly Hillbillies Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee- doggie! Why look at that Granny. Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her own ham!" The Brady Bunch Peter uses Qmodem to dial into the high school computer and, through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. Unfortunately, Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the invasion by a diligent anti-viral TSR. She is then tormented with having to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal Random Access Humor Page 8 April 1994 to her brother. Jan goes home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program, but instead accidentally deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs. Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of the family eats angel food cake on the patio. The Mary Tyler Moore Show Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Macintosh Powerbook and jumps on a plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers. She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the Bay Bridge. {RAH} -------------- Robert S. Coats lives in Alpharetta, GA. He's a silly person, a fact confirmed by his being a user of The Puffin's Nest BBS, and by his writing. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Roadkill on the Information Highway by Ray Koziel It seems like wherever you turn lately one of the key topics is the information highway. Even this fine publication focused on the information highway in the March issue's editorial section. In light of all this I find myself with a case of "information highway overload" and looking for the nearest rest stop. Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that this is a bad thing. On the contrary, I feel the evolution of our current networks, such as Internet, into a more unified, standardized "infostructure" is vital for our country's future. What does bother me are certain issues that exist but are, in my opinion, hidden by all the hype and hoopla. The first of these is the fact that this is being called a "highway." I don't know about anybody else, but when I think of highways I think of traffic jams, idiotic drivers, tolls, and some other items which do not convey positive images. Also, highways make me think of our current infrastructure, which happens to be in pretty bad shape. Random Access Humor Page 9 April 1994 Besides, "highway" is such an outdated (for lack of a better word) term anyway, especially when used to characterize a computer network. This is the 90s after all and I am sure a better term can be found or made up, something like "Meganetwork" or "Dataway." This leads to the next item of discontent. Even though it is called an "information highway", what will actually be flowing through those marvelous little fiber optic cables is pure data. Data becomes information at the personal level when someone processes the data and finds some use in it or adds it to his or her knowledge base. Now on the economic spectrum I am a subscriber to the "supply side" theory of economics, or supply creating its own demand. However, when it comes to the information highway, I am afraid this may not be true. I mean, how many channels of Julia Child and Bob Villa do we need? I don't see how it can be called an information highway if this information is repetitive, redundant, or not informative at all but just plain noise. Besides, there is talk about many types of services such as movies on demand, travel, finance, and others which do not really fall in the genre of information but are going to be riding the information highway anyway. Thus it may be necessary to make another term to incapsulate this "merger" of information and entertainment. This is the English language, after all, and it is quite adaptable and capable of coming up with some snappy terms, something like "Infotainment." Last but certainly not least is what is the toll going to be for riding this highway? Cable, telephone and related companies want to keep the costs down as much as possible to remain competitive but they need to make a profit as well. Some people are lucky to afford electricity and, at most, cable. We already have the so-called "health care crisis" and "welfare crisis," so maybe our wonderful politicians will declare an "information crisis." Won't that be fun? In summary, I am not trying to roadblock the information highway. As I said in the beginning, it is necessary for the country as economy, society, and politics become more and more global. But, there are some things to be considered but have been hidden by the flash and dazzle of what it is going to provide. So you may ride the informa- tion highway but I'll stick to my infotainment meganetwork. {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in Atlanta. Since Ray started contributing to RAH, his wife is more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense of humor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Q&A Man from PC-Computing Goes Insane By: Vincent B. Navarino I always wondered what would happen if one of the Q&A guys from PC-Computing or other computer magazines snapped after answering too many of other people's silly PC questions (and they printed it). So, with that in mind . . . read on. Q&A - With Bill "Had it up to Here" Louie Random Access Humor Page 10 April 1994 Q: I am trying to get a venerable original 4.77Mhz IBM PC to accept a 1.44 floppy. Can you help? A: Yes. Simply get a 1.44 floppy controller that has an on-board BIOS chip. The chip will override your PC's addled brains, fooling it to think it's worthy enough to run such equipment. Q: I have a 386SX with 1 meg of RAM and I keep getting 'Insufficient memory' messages from Windows. What can I do? A: Keep adding more RAM. Eventually the message will stop, or you'll run out of money. Q: I am running a program on an IBM 386DX/40 and it keeps asking me to "Hit any key to continue." Which key is the *ANY* key? A: To locate the any key, you must first get inside your computer. Remove the screws on your computer's case and open the cover. Look inside. See the big green board with circuits all over it? Notice the little grey square that says AMD-386DX40? Using a magnetized screwdriver, pry the chip out of it's plastic holder. It's under there. Q:What is the best way to optimize my config.sys and autoexec.bat files? A: At the C:> prompt, type DEL *.* Q: What is the easiest way to convert my venerable AT to a 486? A: Remove the old 286 chip from the motherboard and put the 486 chip in it's place. It may look to you that it won't fit, but with a large enough hammer, it should. Q: Do you know a program I can run when starting my computer so that the NumLock key stays off? A: I am SO sick of answering that question. Shut up! Random Access Humor Page 11 April 1994 Q: I'm trying to port over spreadsheets from Excel to Lotus 1-2-3 and I am having trouble. How can I do this? A: Buy Lotus, jerk. Q: Can I load SmartDrive high? A: I don't know, can you? Q: I own an HP Vectra 486/33Mhz VLB computer with 16meg of RAM, a SCSI-2 1.2gig Hard Drive and a Sound Blaster Pro 16 sound card. Recently I added 10Mbit/second Ethernet cards to it and my Compaq Prolinea 4/25s and hooked both machines up using Novell Netware 3.1 and all of a sudden my Sound Blaster Pro 16 doesn't work anymore and both machines hang. What's the problem? A: Shut up! Shut Up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! I DON'T CARE!!!!! SHUUUTTT UUUUUUUPPPPPP!!! Why don't you pathetic people start writing to Dvorak? You think I get PAID enough to take all your stupid questions - do you? That's it, I've had it! I Q-U-I-T!!!!!! [Ed. Due to technical difficulties, The Q&A column will not be appearing after this issue. In its place, Sally Westheimer will be starting a new column - "The How To's of Getting Along with the Outside World". We apologize for any inconvenience.] {RAH} -------------- Vincent B. Navarino is one of those rare Sysops who hasn't been strung up by his rebellious users. He is rumored to be in hiding with the author of _Satanic Verses_ and protests the $4 million price put on his head as being too small. He formerly apologizes to all women for whatever he must have done to not have had a date in three years. He lives with a cat named Spot and his BBS - The Particle Board III (Fidonet 1:272/60). --------------------------------------------------------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey Sponsored by: EXEC-PC P.O. Box 57 voice: (414) 789-4200 Elm Grove, WI. 2400: (414) 789-4210 V.32bis: (414) 789-4360 EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines. It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door for online periodical viewing. Both RAH editions are personally uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor. Random Access Humor Page 12 April 1994 EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each valued at $75. Also sponsored by: Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet) 10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764 Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765 You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry. ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/ Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1 leased line. The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786. ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are included. Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer for details. (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129) -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey (Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.) >> Questions about you, the reader: Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______ Address:_____________________________________________________________ City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________ Country:______________________________ Postal Code:_________________ Electronic Address:__________________________________________________ Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____ Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______ Random Access Humor Page 13 April 1994 Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________ (enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things) Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________ >> Questions about your RAH reading habits: I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify) ____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend ____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________ Name of source:______________________________________________________ Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________ Location of source:__________________________________________________ Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________ Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________ Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______ What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH? >> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy: (if you have no preference in a particular category, enter "None") Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________ Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________ Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________ Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________ Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________ Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________ Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________ Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________ (newspaper or magazine) Random Access Humor Page 14 April 1994 Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing for valuable prizes. -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- Return the survey to: Internet: survey94@rah.clark.net FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129 Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the list of winners from the drawing. Please use the survey form from this issue or later issues. The form published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the respondent's postal code. Lack of a postal code could delay the delivery of any prize you might win. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers: For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers. This month, the survey responses of Ray Koziel: Your favorite stand-up comedian:__George Carlin - he has a natural___ flair with the English language Your favorite comic actor:__Chevy Chase______________________________ Your favorite comic actress:__Whoopie Goldberg_______________________ Your favorite comedy movie:__"Wayne's World"_________________________ Your favorite comedy television show:_Home Improvement|Seinfeld [tie] Saturday Night Live for the sketch comedy category. Your favorite humorous novel:__Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_____ What else is there? Your favorite comic book:__X-Men - ok, I know it's not humorous, but_ it is my favorite! Your favorite humor columnist:__Dave Barry...and Rush Limbaugh for___ (newspaper or magazine) radio personality! Random Access Humor Page 15 April 1994 In Memory of John Candy by Ray Koziel On Friday, March 4, 1994 the entertainment and humor world suffered a great loss with the passing of John Candy. Born on Halloween 1950 in Toronto, Candy got his start in acting doing television commercials. In 1972 he auditioned for the Second City comedy troupe in Chicago and performed with that group for a couple of years. Later he went back to Toronto to work with the troupe based there. It was at this point Candy met such personalities as Rick Moranis, Martin Short, and Dave Thomas who took their comedy from the stage to the television in the show "SCTV" - Canada's version of "Saturday Night Live". While with "SCTV," Candy was able to create some of his well know personalities and set the foundation for his move to the big screen. Candy's Hollywood debut came with the film _1941_. After some other minor roles, Candy got his break with the movie _Splash_ in which he played Tom Hanks' brother. He followed with other supporting roles with Bill Murray, Steve Martin, and Dan Aykroyd (_Stripes_, _Trains, Planes, and Automobiles_, and _The Great Outdoors_ respectively). Proving himself as a supporting actor, Candy went on to some more challenging tasks. He took the lead roles in such films as _Who Is Harry Crumb?_, _Uncle Buck_, _Only the Lonely_, and _Delirious_. Candy was working on a new film in Mexico titled _Wagons East_ when he died of a heart attack at age 43. Candy falls in the genre of comedians that contains other greats such as Jackie Gleason, John Goodman, and Oliver Hardy. Although quite rotund, each man had a heart and sense of humor of equal if not greater proportions than his stomach. And despite their large size they had a certain grace and flair about whatever they did. In every role Candy played, he was able to tap the human side of that character and play it to the fullest. To John Candy, thank you for making life a little sweeter! {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Twit Filter: The Retroactive Architect by Dave Bealer Public e-mail networks have been around for about a decade now. Literally hundreds of networks exist, ranging from two-node networks out in the cybersticks to the mother of all networks, the Internet. Although most networks, and most network users, get their start with private e-mail, topical public conferences (or echoes) are what really make the online world go round. If ideas are the currency of cyberspace, then everyone online is wealthy. The exchange, discussion, refutation and mutilation of these ideas are what generate the hundreds of megabytes of information bouncing around the planet through dial-up sessions and leased lines every single day. In short, the data goes round and round and it comes out everywhere. Random Access Humor Page 16 April 1994 Many of these ideas are controversial, and some are downright silly. But few ideas cause as much grief online as those of the retroactive architect (retroarch). These creatures join a new network, or a new conference. They look around for a least a few nanoseconds, then loudly announce that the network (conference) was not designed properly. Said announcement is inevitably followed by a litany of modifications that must be implemented immediately. The wisdom and long experience of the retroarch makes the absolute acceptance of these commandments a certainty, at least in the mind of the retroarch. The mere fact that hundreds or thousands of people have been using and benefiting from the current network (conference) structure for years has no bearing on the matter. True retroarchs can never be convinced that their plans are not a vast improvement over the shoddy existing design. After the retroarch is thrown out of the target network or conference for being an utter nuisance, the redesign campaign will be continued from another available network or conference. The usual choice is a network or conference frequented by users of the network/conference the architect "needs" to modify. Since this particular affliction can rarely be cured, the best thing way to handle retroarchs is to place them in your twit filter. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- The RAH Humor Review: More Python Alumni Tapes by Dave Bealer Apparently someone has figured out that virtually any video tape featuring one or more of the Monty Python troop is guaranteed to sell at least 100,000 copies. Two more such tapes have been acquired by yours truly in the past month. After viewing these latest attempts at squeezing bucks out of any stray scrap of film containing one or more of the Python boys, I find myself fervently hoping that no cameras were rolling during Graham Chapman's briss. o The Strange Case of the End of Civilization As We Know It - featuring John Cleese as Arthur Sherlock Holmes, a bumbling, modern-day descendant of the famous detective. Connie Booth plays Mrs. Hudson, and several well known performers (e.g. Denholm Elliot) also appear, although it's a safe bet none of them list this turkey on their resume. One (sort of) redeeming feature: the absolute worse Kojak impression in the history of the genre. "Who loves ya, baby?" In the case of this tape, precisely no one. o Romance With A Double Bass - Based on a short story by Anton Chekhov, this one actually isn't that bad. John Cleese plays Smichkoff, a double bass player whose clothes are swiped while he's skinny dipping. Connie Booth, a princess, suffers the same fate. The naked Cleese gallantly carries her back to the palace in his double bass case. Major redeeming feature: a couple of full frontal nude shots of Connie Booth (circa mid-1970s). Major Random Access Humor Page 17 April 1994 drawback: a nude John Cleese. (Feel free to reverse these feature/drawback judgments as desired.) Although strained at times, at least this one has an innately funny premise at its core. Both tapes were released by White Star Films. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations Believe it or not, _Command Line Cowboys: The Best of RAH, Volume 0_ is actually shipping. Yes! Just 6 weeks after the planned initial shipping date. Possibly a new record for vaporware. The reason for the delay is that we tried to add some graphics features that would never work in a text magazine. Unfortunately we couldn't get them to work in the hypertext system either. Better luck next time. - - - The RAH official RAH Gateway system is being disbanded as of 4/30/94. The Official RAH Distribution system will remain in effect. Basically, this means that the multi-line Gateway listings will disappear, but the single line listings by state/nation will remain. - - - REMINDER: RAH is now being published 10 times per year. There will be no July or August issues this year. - - - The deadline for submissions for the May 1994 issue is 04/25/94. --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" Been there. Done that. Reincarnated. Don't touch that keyboard, we'll be right back. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. "Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?" Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know. I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one. Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Cream rises to the top...so do dead fish. Random Access Humor Page 18 April 1994 Ask me about my vow of silence! A bachelor never makes the same mistake once. If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz. What's all this about hell fire and dalmations? I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing. Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. Every time my ship comes in there's a dock strike. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. What is the highest pyramid in the world? Amway. Guts: putting "Sysop" in your twit filter. Why'd they bury Mozart? Because he was decomposing. Excuse me, Chief, my shoe is ringing. Got a 486 for my wife - good trade. You can fool some of the people and really piss them off. If everything seems to go right, check your zipper. The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate. What this country needs is a good 5-cent quarter. Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution. Ted Kennedy's Bumper Sticker: My other car is underwater. Do televangelists do more than lay people? C'mon, where's your sense of adventure? I'm not round. I'm an oblate spheroid. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. "Cher"ware - you have to send in proof of a tattoo. Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they're Catholic! I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out. Random Access Humor Page 19 April 1994 I know it all, I just can't remember most of it. Can priests turn other food into God, or only cookies? What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Give the gift of high velocity lead. System error - press F13 to continue. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant? Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion? Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires." Just sliding down the razor blade of life. Quoth the Raven, "Eat my shorts!" And you thought space was warped. Government: not the solution, but the problem. The most affectionate creature is the wet dog. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER My IRS check just bounced. I can't think of anything that remotely fits the subject. "Bother," said Pooh, as he struggled with his condom. Raise your IQ: eat gifted children. I was born alive. Isn't that punishment enough? One if by LAN, two if by C. I pray to St. Francis of ANSI C. Computing is a terminal condition. Random Access Humor Page 20 April 1994 My superiority complex is better than yours! "Hey, can I get something to drink?" Socrates "I drank what?" Socrates Double your drive space - delete Windows! Everybody stand back, he's got a MAGNET! Everything's falling into place - on top of me. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse. Karaoke is the Japanese word for "tone deaf." Sinead O'Connor: a chia pet before adding water. The is abuse. Arguments are down the hall. What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free? Random Access Humor Page A-1 April 1994 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Associate Editor: Greg Borek Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel, Vincent B. Navarino Logo Design: Kelly Price Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net greg.borek@rah.clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA >> Legal Junk << Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September - June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Random Access Humor Page A-2 April 1994 >> Where to Get RAH << Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists. For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank. RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP: etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip) ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT) (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP) (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP) >> Writing For RAH << Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches) may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy- right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. Random Access Humor Page A-3 April 1994 In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Random Access Humor Page A-4 April 1994 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual) USPolNet> 30:603/103 The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann FidoNet> 2:2465/317 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19) FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0 The Next Level Scarborough, ON, Canada Sysop: James FitzGibbon FidoNet> 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 19200 (Z19) ZyXELnet> 18:105/301 ibmNet> 40:6482/301 NAnet> 81:416/520 Didi's Place Dearborn Heights, MI. Sysop: Diane Pahl FidoNet> 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/0 CrossNet> 73:4100/3 SEMSOGNt> 94:101/0 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19 Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST -= FRANCE =- The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 Random Access Humor Page A-5 April 1994 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= ITALY =- Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32 -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4897 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Random Access Humor Page A-6 April 1994 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32 Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-7 April 1994 Virginia Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis West Virginia Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137