______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| -------------------------------------------------- The Electronic Humor Magazine -------------------------------------------------- Version 1 Release 2 March 1994 Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Printed on 100% recycled electrons Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - Potholes on the Information Highway....................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 Welcome to the FidoNet Winter Olympics.............................05 Quick & Very Dirty Install.........................................06 Grammar in the Machine.............................................08 Digital Addiction..................................................09 You Only Live A Bunch Of Times: The Return of Goldfinger...........11 The Great Mall.....................................................12 The Dynamically Translated Address.................................13 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................14 Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................17 Announcements......................................................17 Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............18 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3 Random Access Humor Page 1 March 1994 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Potholes on the Information Highway by Dave Bealer The Clinton regime has offered the so-called Information Super- highway as the solution to all of mankind's problems. They may not say it in so many words, but that's the implication. "The information superhighway will allow everyone to enjoy totally equal social and economic success through technology. No one will ever be poor, hungry, or sick again." Right. The Pollyannas neglect the fact that real life always finds a way to intrude into cyberspace. Telephone and electric lines are downed by storms and accidents; people still get hungry, tired, and are subject to all the usual human needs and urges; routers are damaged by earth- quakes. That's right, the Northridge, CA. earthquake caused an Internet router to go offline for nearly a month. This proves that more than physical freeway overpasses can be collapsed by natural disasters. While Los Angelenos searched for alternate routes around the wrecked highways, commercial Internet customers in the U.S., including the RAH support site, were unable to send Internet e-mail to certain addresses in Europe. Because of this outage, some of RAH's Internet subscribers didn't receive the February issue until the middle of the month. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to equate the magnitude of these incidents. Several people died in the freeway collapses. Hundreds of thousands more are facing a year or more of torturous detours and nightmarish traffic jams while the roads are rebuilt. OTOH, a few humor magazines didn't get delivered on time because some router was down. Big deal, right? Random Access Humor Page 2 March 1994 Late delivery of RAH is not that big a deal (except, possibly, to the subscribers involved), but that router carries much more that a few humor files. We're talking *commercial* Internet customers here. The RAH support site counts as one because we get our UUCP feed from a commercial Internet host system. It's unlikely that any ClarkNet subscriber was seriously affected by this outage. But what about the companies that depend on Internet e-mail to conduct their business? As mentioned last month, the commercialization of the Internet is a touchy subject for many people. The truth is that the Internet has been, is, and will be commercialized. It's inevitable. What's not inevitable is the level of commercialization that will take place. It would be nice to think that we won't see advertising on every World Wide Web screen one day like they have on Prodigy. Conversely, the use of e-mail and online news/information delivery to make firms more efficient and competitive is a *good* thing. The Internet gives scientists and technicians from around the world the opportunity to work together to solve tough problems, such as curing diseases and finding alternate energy sources (like the much-maligned cold fusion). Not all these people work for universities. Given these realities, it seems inexcusable that a critical Internet router was left unrepaired for nearly a month. Reports indicate that the router had not been destroyed or severely damaged, but was down waiting for a part. Unless the part had to be imported from Pluto, this isn't good enough. No lives were lost because of this outage, but given the way online technology is developing, it isn't too big a logical leap to imagine human lives actually depending on e-mail or other online technologies some day. For instance, crucial medical information could be delayed during a future outage with disastrous results. - - - On a ironic note, the day after the Northridge quake I noticed an ad for a book entitled, _Earthquake Prepared: Securing Your Home, Protecting Your Family_ by Joel Leach. The book was published by Studio 4 Productions, P.O. Box 280400, Northridge, CA. 91328-0400. Looks like Studio 4 got a chance to demonstrate the effectiveness of the book using their own offices. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lettuce to the Editor Date: 02-08-94 (14:39) To: LETTUCE From: MHARDEN@SADIS01.KELLY.AF.MIL, MARK V. HARDEN - YADRL How about "Bumper Stickers From the 'Information Superhighway'", instead of "Taglines Seen Around the Nets"? Mark Random Access Humor Page 3 March 1994 Mark, An excellent idea! It has been implemented this month with a slight modification. The new heading will be: "Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway". You will receive a free copy of _Command Line Cowboys_ just as soon as you send us your snailmail address. Thank you for helping to improve RAH! Dave P.S. The idea of calling this segment of the magazine "Lettuce to the Editor" rather than the mundane "Letters..." originally came from a RAH reader. Unfortunately I simply used the idea while forgetting to recognize the author. Even more unfortunately I have long since forgotten who made the suggestion. If that person is reading this, you have my apologies. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >> The Mystery Symbol, continued << Area: Rahuser Date: 02-04-94 23:26 (Public) From: Kelly Price To: All & Dave Bealer Subject: RAH's Logo and v1.1 In popular response (and policy of Wild Bill T. Cat Software) to Random Access Humor Version 1 Release 1 (Shortened to v1.1 here), we present another attempt to confuse the general public. Please, Wild Bill T. Cat Software is not liable for any lack of common sense or sense of humor. In October of 1993, the head of Wild Bill T. Cat Software, Kelly "Price STriker" Price received the (then) latest issue of RAH, read it, and submitted this entry (which is now the new RAH logo): ______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| Now, at the end of the RAH initials, is NOT a exclamation mark, nor a piping character. It is a strait jacket, strait from Random Access Humor. (If you have read or edited previous editions of RAH, you will get the idea.) For those with EGA screens it is preferred that you view the logo at 25*43 text mode. VGA owners please use 25*50. If this has confused you even more, then our purpose is done here. If you have any questions, please E-Mail Kelly Price at the RAH Publication BBS at Fidonet (1:261/1129). We get RAH directly. Random Access Humor Page 4 March 1994 Area: Rahuser Date: 02-05-94 14:01 (Public) From: Russ Stewart To: Kelly Price Subject: RAH's Logo and v1.1 On 02-04-94 Kelly Price wrote to All & Dave Bealer... KP> In popular response (and policy of Wild Bill T. Cat KP> Software) to Random Access Humor Version 1 Release 1 KP> (Shortened to v1.1 here), we present another attempt to KP> confuse the general public... KP> ______ __ __ __ ______ KP> / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ KP> / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | KP> / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ KP> / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| KP> /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| KP> KP> Now, at the end of the RAH initials, is NOT a exclamation mark... Thanks for the explanation. I was wondering what that figure was. At first I too thought it was an exclamation mark, and then I saw a papoose, and finally a scat pile. But a straightjacket? Naaaaah! ....very fitting, but... wait... now I see a cerambycid (family of beetle) larva. Ah! a Rorschach logo! How deucedly clever! Cheers RS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Area: Internet Mail Date: 02-11-94 11:20 (Private) From: MATTL@MAIL.CSH.RIT.EDU To: LETTUCE Subject: A Zen Question Dear Editor - If a computer goes down, and no one is there to watch it, does it really crash? - - - - - - - Dear Mattl, That depends on how well it glides. DB - - - - - - - - - - - - We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to: Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129 You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions) and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129). Random Access Humor Page 5 March 1994 Welcome to the FidoNet Winter Olympics by Dave Bealer The television networks couldn't wait four years for another great Olympics marketing opportunity, so they're spacing them two years apart now. For those who have the BBS bug so bad that no CRT in their home is without a connection to a computer and a modem, here are some alternative events which will be taking place online. 5K Cross Posting - Competitors race to post an annoying pyramid scheme message in all the echoes, newsgroups and conferences available on FidoNet boards. The total number of outraged, bandwidth wasting replies is taken into account. Nodelist Flag Jumping - trying to clear a blizzard of new nodelist flags. Flags for the new terbo-charged water-cooled modems; flags to tell you about the sysop: hair color; eye color; belly button - inney or outey? Soon you will need a 120 MB hard disk just for the nodelist. 28.8K Bi-directional File Slinging - competitors preserve their upload/download ratios by using a new bi-directional file transfer protocol to upload a few megabytes of old laundry lists while downloading the latest virtual reality game. Rules Slalom - the gold medalist in this event will be the first user to weave his way through the maze of access rules at his local FidoNet BBS. Giant Rules Slalom - the gold medalist in this event will be the first user to weave his way through the maze of state and local privacy and obscenity laws. Professionals (lawyers) are prohibited from competing. Super G-Man - competitors attempt to use secure public-key encryption on their messages without being busted by the Feds for making eavesdropping difficult. Downhill - where the maturity level of Fido is headed (and we're not talking physical age). Conference Moguls - those wacky, wonderful moderators get their turn in the spotlight. Attacking and defending existing echoes is the name of the game. Freestyle Aerials - creative methods of gaining satellite access to cut echoes. Know-It-All Combined - a monumental gathering of the most opinionated 80% of FidoNet users - the ones with about 5% of the net's total knowledge. Random Access Humor Page 6 March 1994 Horse Hockey - this stuff will be flying fast and furious in many of the echoes. Speed Skating Around the Topic - the gold medalists will cram the most off-topic material into their posts while not being tossed off the echo. Figurative Skating - The echoes will be thick with analogies in this contest. None of the analogies will have the slightest thing to do with the topic at hand - or the message's subject line. Anyone who spends two weeks reading about these events on FidoNet will see about as much actual sports footage as those who spent two weeks watching the CBS coverage of the real Winter Olympics. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- Quick & Very Dirty Install by Greg Borek Congratulations on choosing Non Compos Mentis Software's Software 2000. We are sure that our Software 2000 is the finest software of its kind. To get started, use the distribution diskettes supplied with this release and follow the instructions provided. Happy Computing! 1. Insert disk 1 in the drive, close the door and hit ENTER. 2. Insert disk 2 in the drive, and hit ENTER. 3. Because you didn't close the drive door, put disk 1 back in the drive, close the door, and hit ENTER twice. 4. Can't you read? I said hit ENTER twice. Put disk 2 in the drive, close the door, get up, walk around your chair in a clockwise direction once, then hit ENTER. 5. DID I SAY YOU COULD SIT BACK DOWN? Wow, you are really going to make this hard on yourself. Put disk 3 in the drive, close the door, walk across the room barefoot while reciting the alphabet backwards. When you get back, I'll have something else for you. Now get going. OK, now sit down and type in the name of the character from Shakespeare that said, "Brevity is the soul of wit", and hit ENTER. Wrong, try again. Random Access Humor Page 7 March 1994 Wrong! It was Polonius. I really don't think you are qualified to use this software. Wouldn't you rather be watching professional wrestling right now? No? OK, I have nowhere else to go, so let's try again, shall we? Put disk 1 in the drive, close the door and hit ENTER. 6. Wow, you actually did that right! You surprised me! Put disk 2 in the drive, close the door, and hit F10. 7. I wish you had a Sound Blaster so you could hear me sigh. I'll just overlook the fact that you hit ENTER instead of F10, you silly homo sapien. Hey, you cheap bastard, do you realize what kind of gyrations I have to go through because you only have a monochrome monitor? Spring for a VGA monitor will you? Put disk 3 in the drive, close the door, touch your nose with your lower lip, and without uttering any expletives hit the ENTER key. 8. No, that wasn't an expletive but you also couldn't say that on television unless you are Howard Stern. If you are not Howard Stern, write a letter to your mother with that word in it. When you are finished writing your letter (I'll wait) put disk 4 in the drive, close the door, and hit ENTER. If you are Howard Stern, you don't need to write a letter to your mother with that word in it - she is familiar with that word by now. By the way, keep up the good work and I'll let you in on a little secret: the software is all contained on the first disk and has already been successfully installed, so you can stop now. I just put the bozos through this drill because it gives hundreds of lower paid workers a good laugh. 9. There were 4 spelling mistakes in the letter to your mother. Correct them before you mail it, but I don't have the patience to wait for you to find them. Put disk 2 in the drive, close the door and type "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" with your nose before hitting ENTER. 10. That took a while, but congratulations! You have passed a test that took the ape creatures of the Indus less time to complete. Next time get an 8 year old to help you. God knows how you are going to actually run this software. What am I saying? You are only going to start the software once anyway - it's not a game! {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net Random Access Humor Page 8 March 1994 Grammar in the Machine By: Vincent B. Navarino *** FLASH! *** This just in: There's an extremely tense and unusual drama unfolding today in downtown New York. It seems a distraught woman is holding a group of high school students hostage at a McDonald's restaurant. Earlier this morning Ms. Elley Norman, a well-respected English teacher at St. Hartman High School, walked into the establishment wielding a large (and extremely heavy) Webster's Unabridged Dictionary and an American made Daisy air rifle. Swinging wildly, she forced all of the customers, except for 12 high school students, out of the building. It has been reported that all of the teens are part of their school's computer club. The police arrived shortly at the scene, along with LAPD's esteemed SWAT team (which immediately began to pump rounds into the crowd at random). Ms. Norman sent out the dictionary-whipped, but otherwise unharmed manager with a note. It then became clear that Ms. Norman was upset at the dwindling reading level of high school students that used computers. The final straw seemed to have occurred when she logged onto a local BBS and began reading teen-agers' posts there. Rumor has it that she snapped and went insane due to the poor use of grammar and punctuation that comprised the bulk of their messages. The note said that she was holding the children hostage until they learned to "properly implement, understand and comprehend the use of the English language." Police are prepared for a long siege. Hostage negotiators repeatedly attempted to communicate with Ms. Norman to end the situation only to put off by her well worded, but menacing replies. Said Capt. Lou Phillips of the LAPD Hostage Negotiation Squad in a written statement to this newscaster: "It seems Ms. Norman, upset at the lack of english articulation skill amongst high school students, took it upon herself to set things to right and force kids to learn how to properly use and respect the english language before they dared touch a computer." When asked his opinion of the situation at the scene, Capt. Phillips responded, "Hey, I tink she's a &^%! loon. But if dat broad hoits one of dem kids, who knows what?!" After pressing him about his response, Capt. Phillips admitted to using Grammatik's IV grammar checker for all written statements. Random Access Humor Page 9 March 1994 Rumor has it that McDonald's has offered to pay all college tuition for any of the hostages, when released, that choose to pursue English degrees upon graduating high school. We'll keep you all posted as to the outcome of this surprising and startling event. And now to Bill for the weather . . . {RAH} ---------- Vincent B. Navarino is one of those rare, funny and talented (not to mention modest) Sysops who runs a bbs and that's why he's called a... never mind, you know. He is rumored to be quite mad. He can be found on his BBS (The Particle Board III - Fidonet 1:272/60) laughing at the cries of his peasants . . . er . . . users. When asked his opinion on clubbing Olympic-bound ice-skaters, he replied, "Why? They're not real hairy and people would look at you funny if you wore their pelts." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Digital Addiction by Tom Fasulo Sure, I did computer games. Hey, most of my generation did! But I was always in control. Not like some others. Anyway, the hand-and- eye coordination games bored me. And I quickly lost interest in the kind of games where you try to get the hero off the Earth before the Vogons destroyed it. I mean I could take them or leave them. Like I just did them, you know, to be in. Well, there was one game I kinda had a problem with. It's called Solitile, a kind of mahjong. I'd do two or three games of it a day. But it only had a few variations in layouts. After awhile it also got boring. Even when I'd win, the rush wasn't there anymore. So I stopped. Things were going real well for me. I had a nice house, a good job with the university, and a dog that loved me. When I'd come home at nights we'd go for long walks and talk about software upgrades. Then one day Greg "The SySop," a local game pusher, turned me on to Mjvga. It was like another kind of mahjong. Sure, it only had one layout, but there were *thirty* different tile sets! And it kept track of your winning scores too, man. "The SySop" even told me I could even try it out for free as it was shareware. So I did. No problem, right? Like I said, I was always in control before. At first I'd only do it at home, and it was great!. I had never done a game like this before. Soon I couldn't wait to get home and do a couple of sets before dinner. And after dinner too! Before long I stopped taking my dog on walks as I was doing Mjvga all the time at home. He'd sit out on the porch and wonder where I was, but I didn't care. I'd stay up late too. After awhile the people at the office noticed how tired I was, the circles under my eyes, and the dazed look I had. They asked me if there was anything wrong, but I told them to mind their own business. And Mjvga wasn't free anymore! I had to pay the registration fee as I was using it all the time now. But it was worth it for the good feeling it gave me. Random Access Humor Page 10 March 1994 Then I even started doing Mjvga at the office. I'd shut the door and do a couple sets of tiles to unwind. Then I was doing sets of tiles most of the day. I wasn't getting any work done. Things were out of control. I was in trouble! Then my dog had a long talk with me. I broke down and told him everything. He said he'd help me through the withdrawal and give me the support I needed. So I deleted Mjvga on my computer at home, but like most addicts I cheated. I zipped it up on my computer at the office and kept it hidden in an out-of-the-way subdirectory. Anyway, I didn't do tiles anymore. My dog and I went for long walks again. Things got better at work too. I started getting papers accepted by national journals and conferences. Grant money started coming in. Life was good again. Then one weekend I visited some friends down state. I thought the guy and his wife were straight, but it turned out they were heavy in Mjvga. They had *one hundred* and *twenty-seven* different tile sets. So just to be sociable I tried a couple of the sets. After all, it was only for the weekend. Soon I'd return to my normal routine. Sure man! Sure! When I went home, I took the 127 tile sets with me. Now I'm into Mjvga heavier then ever. I do it at home and at work. Seems all I ever do is think about my next set of tiles. And my dog is stuck on the back porch again. To sort of justify what I do, I even uploaded all the tile sets to the local BBSs. I figured that if others were doing it then maybe I wasn't doing anything wrong. Now other people are hooked because of me. Because I'm a distributor now I'm getting the kind of attention I don't want. I think the computer game police have my modem tapped. And the last few days there's been someone in a car across the street watching my house. Oh, God! I need help. God? God? Hey, wait a minute! Mjvga has several tile sets with a religious theme. Praise the Lord! So, come brethren! Come to my house next Sunday and worship with Pastor Tom at the First Church of the Holy Tiles. And bring a mouse. Saint Mjvga requires it. {RAH} -------------- Tom Fasulo is a 46 year-old entomologist with the University of Florida, whose job it is to develop truly buggy software. He can be reached at: fasulo@gnv.ifas.ufl.edu --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lillehammer Moment: (just after Dan Jansen slipped in the 500m speed skating event) Idiotic American TV Reporter: "Is there anything wrong with the ice? It seems really slippery." Dan Jansen's Coach: "Ice is always slippery." Random Access Humor Page 11 March 1994 You Only Live A Bunch Of Times: The Return of Goldfinger by James Bond as told to Robert Hankins I was attending a jolly gala some weeks ago in Newcastle at the elegant home of Lord Dumpy Rothchild, the Earl of Oversized Shirts. I was having a particularly keen time drinking my usual vodka-martini when I glanced toward the main entrance way. There before me stood the curious chap known as Goldfinger. Although he was much older now, I knew it was he --- for they'd given him one of those party name tags to wear which read "Goldfinger" on it. He and I had a bit of a row some years ago when he tried to steal all the gold in Fort Knox. Last I saw of the bloke he was being sucked out the window of a DC-9. As I approached a red-head, I called to Goldfinger. "Hello old boy, nice to see you". The cherubic face responded with a thick German accent. "Vhy Mister Bond, vhat a surprize! Perhaps later vee can play charades, or maybe Trivial Pursuit, eh? Ha ha." The red-head's name was Elizabeth Stevens, but her friends called her Pasha, an obscure term denoting a former high-ranking official in Turkey. The number to which we danced was a lively mambo which lasted several minutes. When it was over, I was missing my expensive wrist-watch made exclusively for me by the Bentley-Welles Company of Rumpton, and my solid gold cigarette case manufactured for me by Brunhill of Davidshire. I could only conclude they had fallen off my person during the fray on the dance floor. My suspicions began to fall on Auric Goldfinger, for he more than anyone else in the room had a reputation for craving gold. I sought out the German madman over by the punch bowl. "Alright Goldfinger, you stole my watch and cigarette case. Let's have them back!" He produced the items from his coat pocket. "Vhy Mister Bond, STEAL is such a strong word! I merely found zeese things on zah dance floor, obviously lost by some unfortunate person." "They're mine and you know it," I said. Goldfinger paused to immerse a Frito in some Ranch Dip, then replied, "I do not see your name on zem, Mister Bond. Ha Ha Ha." Goldfinger was right. He'd beaten me and he knew it. "One question Goldfinger: Why?" I asked. "I've lost all my money and can longer do things as in zah old days, ya? Like vhen I could strap you to a table and threaten you wit a giant laser beam? I did it for all zah evil geniuses zat have given up on dominating zah vorld because of you, like zah pitiful Dr. No, who changed his name to Dr. Goldstein and now has a small practice in Vermont, or zah once evil Blofeld whose passion for cats led him to open a pet store in Kansas City." Random Access Humor Page 12 March 1994 "Well," I said, "you might as well know something about the watch, old chum. Even though it claims to be water resistant, what that means is, you can get it a LITTLE wet, but don't go swimming with it or anything like that." Goldfinger stared at the watch. "Vhere does it say zis about being vater resistant?" "Look closer," I said, and as Goldfinger put the watch to his face I pressed a special button in my right pocket, releasing a cloud of tear gas into the gold-monger's eyes. Goldfinger's head hit the table and a large tray of smoked meats fell on him. "Honestly Goldfinger, you're such a ham," I said. This was my cute 'throw away line' that I always think of after dangerous situations have been resolved. Pasha came to my side and said, "Oh James, you're so witty." I thought about letting the washed-up fiend keep the cigarette case; after all, I was half to blame for losing it and could have easily procured a new one for free, one of the many perks I get by serving Her Majesty. But the old bean had tried to kill me several times in the past(once by handcuffing me to an atomic bomb!), and when someone crosses that line your relationship with them changes drastically. As Pasha and I were leaving the party, Goldfinger shouted the usual, you know, how I hadn't seen the last of him and that he'd return someday. Bloody strange chap don't you think? {RAH} -------------- Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA. No other information about him is available, as he's in the Federal Witless Protection Program. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Great Mall by Ray Koziel "We are now in orbit sir, and the probe droids are being dispatched." "Ah, good! Just look at this planet! See how beautiful it is? The green and blue colors and so appealing to the eye. The land masses are not very pleasing though, but that can be fixed. What do you think, my good man?" "Well sir, I have to agree that this is one of the more nicer planets I've seen. But I feel it is a bit out of the way to construct a mall." "Oh you just sound like everybody else! I didn't become Director of Malls on our home planet of Quintanz for nothing! Ever since I did my first project - the Supermall on Vantagantas IV - I knew that I had a certain talent for this type of thing! Now I am ready to do my most excellent work of all - the Ultramegamall! But I must find a planet worthy to build such a mall. I am sure such a planet exists in this system. The first one is so darn close to the sun that the customers will be sunburnt before they are even half done with their Random Access Humor Page 13 March 1994 shopping. The second is so overcast and gloomy no one will have the urge to shop. But here...here is a pure jewel, tucked away only to be discovered by me!" "Ummm...sir, the probes are reporting back with their observations." "Good! Good! Quick, my good man, what have they found?" "The probes report that this planet is quite suitable for life and already has a number of lifeforms available." "Excellent! They will make some good attractions, I'm sure!" "The predominant life form is quite similar to our own and call themselves 'human'. These humans refer to this planet as "Earth". "Sounding better all the time! Sounds like there are already potential shoppers available to us!" "Planet composition is about 75% water, 25% land. A substantial portion of the landmasses contain mall-type structures." "WHAT!? Malls already exist on this planet!? This beautiful planet is blemished by the existence of inferior malls! How dreadful! This will not do! Oh how I hoped this would be the perfect planet. Oh well, never mind. Come! Let us check out that little red planet over there! I'm positive that one will work out!" {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense of humor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Dynamically Translated Address (translated by Dave Bealer) Four TORS and seven Queries ago our programmers brought forth on this mainframe a new program, conceived in COBOL, and dedicated to the transaction that all users should be serviced equally. Now we are engaged in a great regression, testing whether that program or any program so compiled and so debugged can long process. We are met on a great SYSUDUMP of that regression. We have come to dedicate a portion of that listing, as a final resting place for those who gave their sanity that that program might run. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger partition, we cannot wait, we cannot process, we cannot swap this address space. These brave transactions, running and suspended, who struggled here, have processed it, far beyond our poor instruction to add or subtract. The system log will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never abend what they did here. It is for us, the raving, rather, to be committed to an institution while they who watched us are nobly promoted to Random Access Humor Page 14 March 1994 management. It is rather for us to be here dispatched to the active task remaining in the queue - that from these suspended tasks we take increased CPU cycles for that task for which they gave the last full page of real storage - that we here highly resolve that these suspended shall not have swapped in vain - that this program, under MVS, shall have a new burst of throughput - and that applications of the region, by the region, and for the region, shall not abend from the system. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey Sponsored by: EXEC-PC P.O. Box 57 voice: (414) 789-4200 Elm Grove, WI. 2400: (414) 789-4210 V.32bis: (414) 789-4360 EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines. It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door for online periodical viewing. Both RAH editions are personally uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor. EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each valued at $75. Also sponsored by: Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet) 10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764 Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765 You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry. ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/ Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1 leased line. The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786. ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are included. Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer for details. (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129) Random Access Humor Page 15 March 1994 -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey (Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.) >> Questions about you, the reader: Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______ Address:_____________________________________________________________ City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________ Country:______________________________ Postal Code:_________________ Electronic Address:__________________________________________________ Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____ Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______ Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________ (enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things) Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________ >> Questions about your RAH reading habits: I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify) ____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend ____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________ Name of source:______________________________________________________ Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________ Location of source:__________________________________________________ Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________ Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________ Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______ What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH? Random Access Humor Page 16 March 1994 >> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy: (if you have no preference in a particular category, enter "None") Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________ Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________ Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________ Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________ Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________ Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________ Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________ Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________ (newspaper or magazine) Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing for valuable prizes. -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- Return the survey to: Internet: survey94@rah.clark.net FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129 Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the list of winners from the drawing. Please use the survey form from this issue or later issues. The form published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the respondent's postal code. Lack of a postal code could delay the delivery of any prize you might win. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." - - - - Einstein Express: when it absolutely, positively has to get there the day before yesterday. Random Access Humor Page 17 March 1994 Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers: For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers. This month, the survey responses of Dave Bealer: >> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy: (if you have no preference in a particular category, enter "None") Your favorite stand-up comedian:__Robin Williams_____________________ Your favorite comic actor:__Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau_______________ (Each of them is a great comic actor in his own right, but together they're unbeatable.) Your favorite comic actress:__Carol Burnett__________________________ Your favorite comedy movie:__The Goodbye Girl________________________ (Chosen primarily because it contains my favorite individual comic performance in a movie. A performance made by an actor not otherwise know for comedy: Richard Dreyfuss as Eliot Garfield. {The 1977 Oscar winner for Best Actor} Being adapted from a Neil Simon play couldn't hurt either.) Your favorite comedy television show:__M*A*S*H_______________________ (My favorite situation comedy. My favorite sketch comedy show is the incomparable Monty Python's Flying Circus.) Your favorite humorous novel:__Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy______ Your favorite comic book:__None______________________________________ Your favorite humor columnist:__Dave Barry___________________________ --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations Sorry, no Twit Filter or RAH Humor Review this month. I was too busy trying to watch the Winter Olympics. Unfortunately the American television "journalists" were too busy covering the latest developments in Full Contact Figure Skating to show much actual Olympic footage. - - - Although the vikings have been most well known for their highly successful "away games" during the First Millennium, the 1994 Winter Olympians found them to be just as tough when playing at home. Norwegian ski jumper Espen Bredesen was held aloft by sheer sound waves from his countrymen when making his final attempt at Olympic gold. - - - The American successes in Lillehammer were lead by the Ski Stooges: Tommy Moe, Diann Woof-Rottweiler, Picabo Street, Hidenseek Lane, and Ringaround the Rosie Boulevard. - - - The deadline for submissions for the April 1994 issue is 03/25/94. Random Access Humor Page 18 March 1994 --- Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway What came first, the woman or the department store? I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light! Death to all fanatics! Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice. Tractor pulls: for people who can't understand wrestling. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. If you can't say something nice, say something surreal. I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools. LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware. I don't want the whole world, just your half. "Energize," said Kirk, and the pink bunny appeared. Purranoia: the fear that your cats are up to Something! Listen to sermon before eating missionary. I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence! Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill. "That's entertainment." - Vlad the Impaler Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii? Professionals are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS! Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either. Philistines demand David be tested for steroids. I am Stoned of Borg! Resistance is like, like, I ferget. Random Access Humor Page 19 March 1994 I brake for hallucinations. I brake for animals - and accelerate for small children. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Seppuku: unique Japanese way to let it all hang out. "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of e-mail!" Saint Fracas (456? - 458) had a short but raucous childhood. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Suture Self Magazine, the home guide to personal surgery. Entomology: I fear no weevil. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! ...and this little piggy stayed home. He's agoraphobic. Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit. Zebra: a sports model jackass. Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! Random Access Humor Page A-1 March 1994 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Associate Editor: Greg Borek Contributing Editor: Ray Koziel Logo Design: Kelly Price Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net greg.borek@rah.clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA >> Legal Junk << Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September - June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Random Access Humor Page A-2 March 1994 >> Where to Get RAH << Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists. For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank. RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP: etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip) ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT) (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP) (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP) >> Writing For RAH << Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches) may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy- right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. Random Access Humor Page A-3 March 1994 In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Random Access Humor Page A-4 March 1994 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual) USPolNet> 30:603/103 The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann FidoNet> 2:2465/317 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19) FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0 The Next Level Scarborough, ON, Canada Sysop: James FitzGibbon FidoNet> 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 19200 (Z19) ZyXELnet> 18:105/301 ibmNet> 40:6482/301 NAnet> 81:416/520 Didi's Place Dearborn Heights, MI. Sysop: Diane Pahl FidoNet> 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/0 CrossNet> 73:4100/3 SEMSOGNt> 94:101/0 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19 Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST -= FRANCE =- The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/210 33-1-39633662 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-5 March 1994 -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= ITALY =- Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4897 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Random Access Humor Page A-6 March 1994 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32 Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-7 March 1994 Virginia Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis West Virginia Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137