______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| -------------------------------------------------- The Electronic Humor Magazine -------------------------------------------------- Version 1 Release 1 February 1994 Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Printed on 100% recycled electrons Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - Repent! The Electrons Are Near!.......................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 The Szechuan Taxi..................................................05 A Model of Stupidity...............................................07 A History of The Computer Era on Earth.............................09 How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties...........................11 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................13 The Twit Filter: The Professional Amateur..........................16 RAH Humor Review: "Grumpy Old Men".................................17 Announcements......................................................17 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................18 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 February 1994 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Repent! The Electrons Are Near! by Dave Bealer Hi, my name is Dave Rhodes and I'm here to waste your time and disk space... If you were reading any of hundreds of conferences around cyberspace in the past few months a shudder just went down your spine. Yes, the loonies and losers of the world are finally finding out about us. We thought we were safe from them here in our silicon mini-towers. We were wrong. At least a few of these dimwits have scraped together the bucks for a used 286 box (which were being given away with toasters, but people started to complain) and a 1200 baud modem. Instead of having to buy stamps to send their chain letters and pyramid schemes through the mail, they can now send them out to millions of readers with a few keypresses. And they call this progress. Even better than the greedy loons are the ones who want to tell us how to live our lives, or inform us that life for the human race is almost over. Digital doomsayers, a real advancement. Gone are the crudely drawn signboards, replaced with pixels flashing on a million CRTs around the world. Hardly a new phenomenon, only now the CRTs are not TV screens, but terminals and PC monitors. The end really is near...for cyberspace as we've known it. The unwashed masses are on their way. - - - This issue of RAH is a bit of a departure from previous ones. We're trying to cut back on the plethora of "MickeySoft is evil" and "I'm a crazy sysop" articles. Not that these aren't valid computer humor genres, it's just that they get a little tedious month after month after month. From now on, we're going to try and have a mix of topics in each issue of RAH. - - - Random Access Humor Page 2 February 1994 I had planned to publish the first true "sequel" to a previous RAH article this month. I've been working a little piece called "Welcome to the FidoNet Winter Olympics" for a few months now. The problem is, I can't seem to get it finished without the inspiration of watching the real Winter Olympics on television. Look for the completed parody in the March issue. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lettuce to the Editor >> The Mystery Symbol << Area Private, Msg#67, Jan-07-94 02:11AM From: Dave Bealer To: Raymond Koziel Subject: Comment from Raymond Koziel RK> Hey! Like the new logo. Actually, most of the RK> logos sent in looked pretty good. Just one question RK> though, what is the object to the right of "RAH" RK> supposed to be? I think it's supposed to be an exclamation point. Greg doesn't think so, and none of my other proofreaders see it. I just hope it isn't a rude symbol in some other culture. :-) //Dave\\ - - - - - - ______ The symbol in question appears to / _\/_ \ the right. It is the last symbol | |____| | in the new RAH logo. I had thought \__ \____/ all along that it was an exclamation |_\____| point (without the point at the |____| bottom). This makes the new logo a stylized "RAH!" with the magazine title imbedded within. The following are some other opinions: Kelly Price - Logo's designer: "Straight answer: NOT an exclamation mark. It's the same character used for piping in MS-DOS, made by pressing [SHIFT] and [\] together. Better now that you don't have to change it for the next issue of RAH?" Ray Koziel - who officially kicked this off with his letter: "You know, since I've been looking at it, it might actually be a hand with its forefinger pointing outward, like in the old Uncle Sam posters. Hmmmmm. " Hmm, indeed. Someone else told me it looked like a computer screen. Looks like the RAH logo has become the RAH ink blot test. Oh, well. Unless it turns out to be offensive to someone (but what isn't these days?), the logo will remain in its original form, whatever that is. Dave - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Random Access Humor Page 3 February 1994 Area: Internet Mail Date: 01-19-94 08:42 From: GIULIANO_MACIOCCI_JR@MANGO.APC.ORG To: LETTUCE@RAH.CLARK.NET Subject: Twit Filter Dear Honourable Saint Divinity and part time All Round Swell Guy Mr. Bealer, Hi! Yours Truly, Giuliano Maciocci Jr. PS: I was puzzled by a phrase which featured in the the Twit-Filter (RAH Jan 1994) when you refer to a KIDIA (n. 1.: Knowit/Done it All, common e-mail annoying subject prone to self-gratification by unjustified boasting, usually afflicted by a severe inferiority complex; 2.: RAH reader; 3.: RAH Editor) as "She." Could you please supply details as to explain the cause of your unusual adversity towards the opposite sex? It is quite unusual for a publication such as yours to discriminate between the sexes, instead, you should should have referred to the KIDIA as "It" or "The KIDIA." I should sue you for the black eye donated to me by my most adorable and feminist girlfriend, but I will not since I like your magazine. - - - - - - - Giuliano, First, RAH is one of the last bastions of the fine art of political incorrectness. The very word "empowerment" makes me spit up. I needed to place a pronoun in the article at a couple of places, and despise those clumsy he/she constructs. The trouble is that "it" is not a proper way to refer to a human, even indirectly. I made this mistake a few years back when referring to the newborn son of a good friend as "it" and was severely dressed-down for my error. The newborn son who was not an "it" was, at the time, only capable of eating, crying, and excreting. The boy was therefore less socially capable than a KIDIA (though only slightly). Nevertheless, he was not an "it." It follows that a KIDIA cannot be an "it" either. Getting back to the point of this discourse (if, indeed, there is one), I needed to use either he or she in the article. In a fit of conformity I decided to alternate between the two. Since even this is not good enough, I'm going back to strictly "he" when referring to a generic human animal. If anybody doesn't like it, tough beans. Second, you should have your girlfriend arrested for assault before she does something even worse. Does the name Bobbitt mean anything to you? Dave - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Random Access Humor Page 4 February 1994 From: John "Wimp" Doe To: dbealer@clark.net Hey! Could you arrange for umich anonymous ftp to get all this nifty RAH stuff? The address is 192.131.22.7. jwd - - - - - - - Dear John, I've been uploading the RAH issues to etext.archive.umich.edu on the last day of the previous month since May 1993. For some reason the 11/93, 12/93 and 01/94 issues were not posted for download until mid January. If the new issue hasn't been posted by the second week of the month, e-mail the archivist of that site. Otherwise, you can obtain the issues from: ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: pub/rah This is a public area on my Internet service provider's system. I maintain the RAH directory myself, but I don't own the site. This directory contains both editions of RAH in ZIP archives and the ASCII edition in uncompressed format. Dave - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Area: Fidonet Netmail Date: 01-21-94 11:24 From: Reinis Grauds FidoNet> 3:712/218 To: Lettuce Subject: RAH distribution Dave Bealer, I have only recently discovered your electronic magazine and have been trying to find every issue since. Here in the Land Down Under it is difficult to do so though and I was wondering if you had any way of getting the latest copy of RAH to Australia with any sort of regularity. *** WARNING --- GRATUITOUS APPRECIATION PARAGRAPH WARNING --- *** My congratulations to you on being able to start and continue such a fine and long needed publication. Good luck for the future. Regards, Ray - - - - - - - Ray, The RAH issues are available on the Internet via FTP (see previous response) or via listserver. Send Internet e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for more information. As far as BBS availability Down Under, two boards carry RAH as official distribution sites. They are: Random Access Humor Page 5 February 1994 Images Unlimited Darwin, NT. 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis The Flying Circus Highett, Vic. 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis Certain articles from RAH back issues have been reprinted in Chips 'N' Bits, the Australasian Computer & BBS User's Magazine. Chris Davidson, the publisher of Chips 'N' Bits, is the sysop of Images Unlimited. Dave - - - - - - - - - - - - We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to: Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129 You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions) and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129). --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Szechuan Taxi by Dave Bealer People who live in genuine rural areas should probably skip this article because you won't understand it. What's that? You don't know what constitutes a "genuine rural area?" Alright, if you can pick up the telephone and have a pizza delivered to your home, you DO NOT live in a genuine rural area. What kind of definition of genuine rural area is that? An accurate one. I grew up in a genuine rural area in northeastern Pennsylvania. The closest pizza delivery place would not deliver to our house. They would deliver to a parking lot a quarter mile away at the bottom of the hill, but they would not set foot (tire, actually) in our village. Not that it was a dangerous village. It was just that the parking lot at the bottom of the hill was the end of their range. The pizza shop was six miles away from the parking lot, and six and a quarter miles away from our house. Some marketing major at the pizza shop had decided that it made sense to extend their delivery range two miles through sparsely populated countryside to the entrance to our village, but not another quarter mile INTO our village. So the 300 people of our village had to cool their heels in an empty parking lot if they wanted pizza delivered NEAR their homes (the parking lot belonged to a defunct business and was typically empty because all 300 people in the village rarely chose to order pizza at the same time). The result of all this was that we always went to pick up the pizza. We figured that driving six and a quarter miles to pick up the pizza was less aggravating than sitting around a cold, dark (but safe) parking lot waiting for a pizza delivery person who was always Random Access Humor Page 6 February 1994 running late. We knew for a fact that the person was always late because we occasionally had pizza delivered while visiting friends who lived within the magic six mile limit. Now, are we clear on who lives in a genuine rural area? Good. Maybe we can get on with the point of this story. Home food delivery is a matter of extreme importance to people living in urban and suburban areas. Even realtors have begun to recognize this phenomenon. Remember how homes have long been listed in the classified "for sale" ads with notations about the wonderful school district which serves the area? These days you can find homes expected to attract childless singles or couples listed with the number and types of home food delivery establishments that serve the community. Now that I live in a major urban area, there are literally dozens of pizza delivery places competing for my business. The coupons these outfits pay students to stick on my car windshield and the front door of my house each year could paper all the walls in my house several times over. One of the major factors in the decision to purchase my current home was the Chinese restaurant a mile away that actually DELIVERS. Imagine that! Not just pizza and subs, but food that actually contains mono sodium glutamate, delivered to my door! A couple of years ago I found out exactly how useful this kind of thing can be. I placed a carry out order with the local Chinese restaurant, then went to do some shopping. The plan was to pick up the food on the way home. The trouble started when the car wouldn't. The car wasn't going anywhere, and it was a cold winter night. In a rare moment of inspiration, I carried my groceries one block to the Chinese restaurant, walked in, and changed my carry out order to delivery. If you think ordering without numbers in a Chinese restaurant is an adventure, you should have seen this attempted conversation. It's a good thing these people knew me as a regular customer. Actually, they took it well. They didn't even call the police. Eventually the game of charades ended when they realized I didn't have a car. They stuffed me in the aged, rusting econo-box they use for deliveries. Amazingly enough, the Szechuan Lo Mein, wonton soup, my groceries and I were delivered in good shape. I tipped the driver unusually well that night. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes Random Access Humor. He can be reached at: FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Random Access Humor Page 7 February 1994 A Model of Stupidity by Greg Borek Sir, sir! Don't run away! It's Ms. Stanley! (Oh no!) I know. Ms. Stanley from Modelling & Statistics, how could I forget you. Look, I'm just on my way... Now, sir, this will only take a minute. I wanted to describe our latest findings... Can this wait? I have to..., um, get my nose polished. Call my secretary and we'll meet later this week. Sir, I've tried to set up a meeting with you but you always seem to be busy. (Sigh) Well,... you have my attention now. What is it? We in Modelling are really interested in our latest study... You in Modelling are always interested in your latest study. I can't help notice the level of enthusiasm in your department. My problem comes from the extremity and irrelevance of your results. You're not going to bring up the frogs again, are you, sir? We feel bad enough about that one already... Yes, the frogs. "Given the current rate of frog promiscuity we'll all be knee deep in frogs by 1992." Didn't quite happen that way, now did it? We use more sophisticated models now, sir. This sort of aberration shouldn't... Oh, OK, how about the meteors? "Meteors at least 1.8023 miles across will be striking the Earth in the Northern Hemisphere every 2.705 months starting in June, 1988, causing the extinction of house cats as we know them." Yes, I admit we've been a little "off" in the past, but we now know how we went wrong on that one too. We are really confident that this latest study is really close to the mark. Alright, alright. What is it? I hope you've settled on something not quite as complicated. What is the topic? Human intelligence. Fine. (Pause) Write your conclusions to me in a memo and... No, sir, just listen. We have found some direct correlations between IQ and certain human behaviors. Random Access Humor Page 8 February 1994 I would rather have my eyeballs sucked out by a goat and replaced with burning coals than listen to... Sir, I know some of these studies have been, well, a little dry... Aaagh! ..but this one is not that bad. It's not complicated. And, besides, this has a direct impact on your employee hiring and evaluation process. (Sigh) Alright then, go ahead. Good. We've found that the following factors affect our model human IQ rating points by the following amounts: Hours of Gilligan's Island watched -.02 / hour watched Hours of Monty Python watched +.02 / hour watched Thinks that Windows is "neat" -5 Casual SysOp -1 Intense SysOp +5 Went to Penn State -2 Went to Penn State under the influence of alcohol +4 Went to Carnegie-Mellon +5 Went to Carnegie-Mellon without a scholarship -5 Number of programming languages known = 1 +1 (if that language is BASIC) -10 Number of programming languages known > 1 +3 / language Voted for William Clinton -10 Thinks Perot won debate with Gore -5 Trivial Pursuit playing +.01 / card memorized Chess Playing (Elo rating above 1600) +5 (Elo rating above 2000) +10 (Elo rating above 2600) -10 Can name any 5 of the Seven Dwarves +2 Can name all 7 of the Seven Dwarves -3 Can think of something other than elephants when told not to think about elephants +25 Number of pairs of shoes over 5 pairs -2 / pair over 5 Can name the 7 Deadly Sins +1 Number of Sins attempted/successfully completed +1 / each sin ... Sir? Sir! Are you all right? I wonder why he had that glazed look in his eyes right before he hit the floor? {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net Random Access Humor Page 9 February 1994 A History of The Computer Era on Earth By Vincent B. Navarino, The Year 2795 A.D. (Alien Date) Today, class, we are going to talk about the people that worked in the early days of the computer era on a planet called Earth; which had many similarities with our great planet. In fact, the Earth it seems had a history almost identical to our own planet's, save for some critical and tragic differences. Many years ago, before the computer revolution took place on this relatively young planet, there was an ancient concept called 'Manual Labor.' A concept that reached its height after the first McDonald's opened up. Many, many people were constantly being forced to talk 'McLanguage' which meant that the people's minds went the way of the dodo bird. - A flightless bird of old that was quite stupid The common people that worked at such laborious tasks were usually high school students or high school dropouts. Since these persons were not deemed of any value by their society, no one cared. After all, they still had to be home at a certain time, had to wash up before eating, couldn't vote, and were constantly in a state called "grounded." Therefore they were not paid any real attention until they became adults (i.e. paid REAL rent or moved out). In the scheme of things on Earth there were always people who performed 'Manual Labor.' This was so that real people could enjoy the benefits of not being bothered with such laborious and mundane tasks. After all, it is hard to get a rocket scientist out of his house to take the trash out to the curb; he could get lost. With the concept of 'Manual Labor' established, and the "people" to fill such a role it left a hole that needed to be filled by society. Meaning, if you didn't have to exert yourself what were you to do? What would you be called? - And so the Computer Programmer was born The Programmer realized that if there were people to fix his car, flip his burgers and shine his shoes then he could enjoy the benefits of using his mind, not his muscles. Soon he found that he could make tons more money than the 'Manual Laborer.' - After all, he WAS smarter However, the Programmer soon found out he was not perfect. After what seems like a millennium he had to grudgingly admit that he was flawed. He lacked an adversary. Truth be told, he needed someone to blame his mistakes on. Random Access Humor Page 10 February 1994 - And thus the Hardware People filled the void The Hardware People soon took all the blame for the Programmers' errors. It was they who were fired because 'Mr. Big' didn't get his report on time. They were the ones who were always persecuted because the system crashed; not the innocent Programmer whose coding skills were so weak it invaded all the regions in the mainframe and made $5 million dollars worth of pure computing power act like a power toaster. No, they weren't to blame. It wasn't they who did it . . . it was those nasty downstairs Hardware People that were to blame. - After all, they always LOOKED guilty. Soon the wars between the Hardware People and the Programmers took their inevitable toll. Too many companies went bankrupt because they fired all the Hardware People and the bad, nasty, evil and incredibly smart Programmers didn't care when, if ever, 'Mr. Big' got his report. So both the Hardware (let's call them 'Manual Laborers') people and the Programmers (let's call them the Smart Ones) were all out of a job. Both needed money, and quickly. - Thus The Computer Consultant was born The Consultant was and still is an enigma to us. He was neither a Programmer nor a Hardware Person; he was a deadly mixture. Rarely did he help. Money was his first, last and middle name. You could never get this guy to answer a simple question without it costing you $250. He was a danger to all life. It was his special brand of ineptness that makes him of value in this tale. The Consultant is like the lawyer. - No ethics, morals or shreds of humanity clouded his thinking Money was his God. The more he made and the less he worked for it, the better he felt. He preyed on the weak, the unknowing, the small businesses. He was all that went wrong in their world and more. He caused grief and chaos wherever he went. And worst of all. . . he got paid to do it. The Consultant was a hybrid; a fluke like the Platypus. A freak of nature that ate cash and promises like they were going out of style. Soon mankind, sickened beyond belief at this atrocity, decided to do something about it. They wanted to put an end to this monster. They wanted to erase all traces of the Computer Consultants. - So they hired them and made them Managers And life as they knew it took an even worse turn. That's when the intelligent and ultra-advanced aliens from the Milky Way got so fed up with the human's pitiful existence that they decided to sit back, sip root beer and nuke the Earth from orbit to put those poor humans out of their misery. Random Access Humor Page 11 February 1994 To date the only sad part of this story is that the Universe missed out on something special after the Earth was nuked. One shining glimmer of hope and beauty that could have only been found on Earth. - The Nickelodeon Channel bbbbbbrrrrriiiinnnngggggg!ing!ing! Alright class, that ends the lesson for today. Remember to read Chapters 2-5 in your _Past Parallel Civilizations that Were Killed Mercifully by the Ultra-Advanced Aliens from the Milky Way_ textbooks. And remember our field trip to Mars is next week. I need all of your parental permission slips signed by Thursday or you'll miss out on thumbing through the old Mars probe wreckage! Have a good day, class. {RAH} -------------- Vincent B. Navarino is a Sr. Mainframe Applications Programmer and the SysOp of The Particle Board III BBS (FidoNet 1:272/60). After being asked politely to leave his former employer, he has wandered the lengths of the land to find the Colonel's secret recipe. Rumor has it that Mr. Navarino is quite mad and has attempted to bungee jump off of bridges sans bungee chord. Due to quick action by several passing motorists, he is still alive and banging his head randomly on his computer keyboard. --------------------------------------------------------------------- How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties by Francis U. Kaltenbaugh Do you want to be with the technically-correct in-crowd, who have already prepared for television in the nineties? You better hurry to obtain a few needed essentials. Your old television, operating in the background, even with its stereo speakers, single remote controlling your vcr, cable box, and TV, is passe. There is a new age dawning in the art of television watching; it is -- Interactive Viewing. You too can be a part of this new Couch Potato mentality by following a few simple rules. Do not get left behind! Follow the simple suggestions that follow: o You must purchase a 35-inch screen television (bare minimum); bigger is better here. Or your neighbors will tease you, "Nah-na! Mine is bigger than yours." You need: quad stereo speakers, split- screen(s), built-in voice activated VCR programing, self-timers, a minimum of 300 cable ready channels and the largest screen your wallet can handle. Then, with the addition of a CD-ROM, you are ready to interact properly with your computer aided TV. o Purchase a fully automated satellite dish that includes the proverbial black-box, which unscrambles virtually all channels. This will dissuade those channel hoppers, who always lay hands on the remote before you do. Since they will have to browse about 300 channels, after their first time through, they will realize -- three hours later -- they missed the show they intended to watch before the commercials started. Random Access Humor Page 12 February 1994 o Have someone install the above. You must realize your time is too precious to waste on menial labor tasks, when instead, you could be watching/interacting with your TV. o Test your couch; is it large enough to serve as a bed, and dining room table, while still allowing room for you, and selected friends and family to lounge comfortably? If not, replace it immediately. You must be comfortable to interact well. o Stock your refrigerator, freezer, and pantries with easy to prepare (microwave) and ready-to-eat foods and snacks. The closer your snacks are to the TV/CD-ROM, the more quickly you will be able to interact with your system. o If you don't have someone to serve you, it may be a good idea to make arrangements for this contingency. Or be adventurous, do it yourself, but also get a monitor for the kitchen. It's always best to carry your remote with you wherever you go. Don't settle for those puny laser-light activated remotes (line-of-sight only), get one that will penetrate walls. Always be in charge during your interactions. Just because you are in the third floor bathroom, that's no reason why you shouldn't be able to continue interacting with that Soap Opera in the downstairs living room -- simply crank up the volume to a comfortable sound level for yourself. Besides, while you're gone you don't want someone channel surfing in your absence. o After all the above steps are completed, get fired from your job, draw unemployment and food stamps. Then grab snacks and drinks, sit down and RELAX! Enjoy your remote controlled interactive environment. You can really interact now, much like you used to when working, only differently. Spare no expense and be a part of the new breed of Couch Potato, or "THEY" will pass you by. Or you could really get RADICAL and read Electronic Books and Magazines -- I hear it's the rage among all the Nerds. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Francis U. Kaltenbaugh is a 40 something computer enthusiast, who enjoys video stimulations. Two children keep things interesting, one an 18 year-old Marine, and a ten year-old girl, whose only response is, "Why?" Francis, who has two books in progress and articles out everywhere, feels fiction is a mainstay of life -- for everyone. --------------------------------------------------------------------- REAL ESTATE FOR SALE ==================== The State of Florida is offering prime areas of land at extremely reasonable prices. Once used as tourist rest stops, these areas are easily accessible from the interstate. Contact the Florida Chamber of Commerce for more information. Random Access Humor Page 13 February 1994 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey Sponsored by: Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet) 10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764 Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765 You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry. ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/ Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1 leased line. The ClarkNet host computer is Sun SPARCclassic running Solaris 2.2 (SunOS 5.2). Modem phone numbers to access ClarkNet (300-14400 bps, 8N1): 1. Columbia area, covers half Balt. and half Metro DC. (410) 730-9786 2. Ellicott City area, covers full Balt. area. (410) 995-0271 3. Laurel area, covers Metro DC except VA. (301) 596-1626 4. Ashton area, covers full Montgomery County area. (301) 854-0446 5. Northern Virginia. (301) 621-5216 Login as "guest." "The means of acquiring knowledge is ... the greatest benefit that can be conferred upon mankind." (John Quincy Adams, 1836) "The ability to acquire knowledge at will is real power." (Jamie Clark, 1993) ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are included. Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer for details. (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129) Random Access Humor Page 14 February 1994 -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey (Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.) >> Questions about you, the reader: Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______ Address:_____________________________________________________________ City:________________________ State/Prov:___________ Country:________ Electronic Address:__________________________________________________ Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____ Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______ Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________ (enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things) Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________ >> Questions about your RAH reading habits: I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify) ____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend ____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________ Name of source:______________________________________________________ Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________ Location of source:__________________________________________________ Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________ Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________ Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______ What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH? Random Access Humor Page 15 February 1994 >> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy: (if you have no preference in a particular category, enter "None") Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________ Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________ Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________ Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________ Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________ Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________ Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________ Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________ (newspaper or magazine) Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing for valuable prizes. -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- Return the survey to: Internet: survey94@rah.clark.net FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129 Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the list of winners from the drawing. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: God is Dead. - Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead. - God Random Access Humor Page 16 February 1994 The Twit Filter: The Professional Amateur by Dave Bealer FidoNet has been the largest amateur e-mail network in the world practically since its inception. USENET has been the largest public research/educational network for many years. Both of these networks were founded with, and have operated for years with, strict non- profit policies. In the early days compliance was not a problem. Years ago only bit-headed PC communications experts could cobble together a working FidoNet system from the dizzying array of allegedly compatible utilities available. Those who had passed this initiation were unlikely to simply pass the information on, intact, to someone who didn't "belong." While friendlier Fido sysops would lend assistance and advice to newcomers, the newbies were still required to complete the FidoNet utility scavenger hunt before their system was complete. Early USENET systems ran on UNIX mainframes which could only be afforded by Universities, government agencies, and large companies. Most of the early USENET users were therefore students, scientists, and military/intelligence workers. Not the kind of group that would try to conduct big business in the newsgroups. Today it seems everyone is trying to cash in on the Internet. An "Internet Business Journal" recently started up to pander to the suits who are invading jeans and t-shirt territory and trying to tame the UNIX command line with their evil GUIs. The Clinton regime hijacked the Internet and has offered it up as the core of their fabulous solve-all-our-problems "Information Superhighway." In the face of all the money being thrown at the Internet, the "professional amateurs" howl piteously about how their precious "free" Internet is being used for evil profit. Apparently these characters never realized that *somebody* was paying for the UNIX mainframes they were using all these years. As Heinlein would say, "TANSTAAFL." The most avid professional amateurs inhabit FidoNet (sometimes it seems as though the people most avid about *everything* inhabit FidoNet). "Back in the 'good' old days, I used to pay $5,000/month in phone bills to import the echoes for me and my three buddies. Now these damned cost sharing plans and satellite feeds are taking the glory out of it." Sure, paying $50/month for an entire message and file feed may be efficient, but it's just not sexy enough. These guys should go to Las Vegas. With that extra $4,950/month they could buy all the ego, glory, and sex they could ever need or want. The trouble is that what they really need is common sense, which is not something you can buy. The worst professional amateurs are disgruntled sysops who previously tried to go commercial and failed miserably. Since these guys tried to turn professional and couldn't hack it, they delight in leading witch hunts to root out any evil commercialization of their "beloved" FidoNet. They're as bad as ex-smokers. Eventually all the real pros will venture forth into the Internet and beyond. FidoNet will be left with the true hobbyists, who never had any commercial desires. Also hanging around will be the pitiful professional amateurs, whom the hobbyists will have in their twit filters. {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 17 February 1994 RAH Humor Review: "Grumpy Old Men" by Ray Koziel In the movie "Grumpy Old Men", Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau are back together again as two elderly gentlemen who have known each other since childhood. Lemmon and Matthau, John Gustafson and Max Goldman respectively, were good friends as children. Their relationship changed when Max accused John of taking his girl. Now as old men, they greet by calling each other "putz" and "moron" and have fun by playing pranks on each other. Enter Ariel, played by Ann-Margaret. Ariel is a beautiful, middle aged woman who just happens to move across the street from John and Max and immediately grabs their attention. Ariel is always looking for new and exciting things. As she gets to know her new neighbors, she helps John and Max rediscover their own inner youth. In the process though, the old rivalry between Max and John is rekindled. In the end, Ariel ends up with...woah! You didn't think I was going to spoil the ending now? A delightful character in the movie is John's father, played by Burgess Meredith. He plays the dirty old man character perfectly, encouraging his son to go after Ariel or he might do it himself. Also, hang around through the closing credits. They show some of the bloopers which took place while filming the movie, including some good one-liners from Meredith. All in all, "Grumpy Old Men" is an amusing movie that subscribes to the philosophy that even though growing old is mandatory, growing up can be optional. {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense of humor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations _Command Line Cowboys: The Best of Random Humor, Volume 0_ is almost ready for shipping. This hypertext book contains over 80 of the best articles from the first 16 issues of RAH. It also contains all 500+ taglines published in these issues. See the RAHORDER.FRM file included in this archive. (The form will be appended to the uncompressed text version of this issue.) - - - The Director of the California Highway Authority, Mr. W. E. Coyote, recently announced the conversion of more California freeways to the popular "double decker" format. Safety and cost reasons were cited. - - - The motto of the 1994 U.S. Olympic Women's Figure Skating Team is "Skate softly and carry a big tire iron." - - - Deadline for submissions for the March RAH issue: February 24, 1994 Random Access Humor Page 18 February 1994 --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. Licensed remote control operator. Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen? Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Does Tasha have a Data entry problem? That was Zen, this is Tao. Did anyone see my lost carrier? Do dogs mistake you for a friend (or a fire hydrant)? If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. Multi-tasking - screwing up several things at once. Tomato paste - what you use to fix broken tomatoes. Keep your quantum-pickin hands off. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Never try to outstubborn a cat. There are millions of stories in the Naked Echo. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! Pardon me, but your Freudian slip is showing. I tried snorting coke once. I almost drowned. My ship came in. Naturally it was the Kobayashi Maru. Bill Clinton: the EDLIN of presidents. Armed, dangerous, and off my medication. The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. I've plummeted to my death and I can't get up! Whoever decided to limit taglines to a single line can just kiss my He who laughs last thinks slowest! I just got my phone bill. Buy AT&T stock now! Random Access Humor Page 19 February 1994 When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. "Meow" ...splat... "Aarf" ...splat... (raining cats and dogs) Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else. Always forgive your enemies. They hate that! Gone crazy, be back later, please leave message. Random Access Humor Page A-1 February 1994 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Associate Editor: Greg Borek Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel Logo Design: Kelly Price Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net greg.borek@rah.clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA >> Legal Junk << Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September - June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Random Access Humor Page A-2 February 1994 >> Where to Get RAH << Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists. For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank. RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP: etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip) ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT) (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP) (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP) >> Writing For RAH << Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches) may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy- right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. Random Access Humor Page A-3 February 1994 In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Random Access Humor Page A-4 February 1994 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual) USPolNet> 30:603/103 The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann FidoNet> 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19) FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0 The Next Level Scarborough, ON, Canada Sysop: James FitzGibbon FidoNet> 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 19200 (Z19) ZyXELnet> 18:105/301 ibmNet> 40:6482/301 NAnet> 81:416/520 Didi's Place Dearborn Heights, MI. Sysop: Diane Pahl FidoNet> 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/0 CrossNet> 73:4100/3 SEMSOGNt> 94:101/0 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19 Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-5 February 1994 -= ITALY =- Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4857 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-6 February 1994 Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32 Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-7 February 1994 Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis West Virginia Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137 -------------------------------------------------------------------- Order Form (Available February 15, 1994.) _Command Line Cowboys: The Best of Random Access Humor, Volume 0_ Edited by Dave Bealer Bitwise Virtual Press $14.95 (Hyperwriter for MS-DOS) The world's first hypertext funhouse. Eighty original articles from the first sixteen issues of Random Access Humor, the award winning electronic monthly. Seventy percent of the articles were written by the editor. Several articles have been rewritten and updated since their original publication in RAH. Every tagline published in Volume 0 of RAH (9/92 - 12/93) has been included. (This book requires an MS-DOS system with VGA graphics.) Amount ____ Copies of "Command Line Cowboys" (5.25" diskette) $14.95 ____________ ____ Copies of "Command Line Cowboys" (3.5" diskette) $14.95 ____________ Maryland residents, please add 5% sales tax ($0.75 per copy ordered) ____________ Shipping and Handling (no matter how many copies) ___$2.00____ Total Check or Money Order Enclosed (U.S. Funds Only) ____________ (Make check payable to "Bitwise Communications") Ship Order to: Name ___________________________________________________________ Address ________________________________________________________ City _______________________________ State/Prov ________________ Postal/Zipcode ____________________ Country ____________________ Mail your order to: Bitwise Communications 4157 Mountain Road, #206 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.