GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD G G w _____ ____ 1 000 777 "Texas" w D // | \ 11 0 0 7 by fastjack D * || ____ | || | 1 0 0 7 * G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 7 issue #107 of "GwD: The American Dream G w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 7 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w D D GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- I figured it out. I've always been happy to be a Texan. I was thrilled to see the @ Texas entry on Zoes. I've often times threatened to beat people to the floor for slandering my Texas heritage (the steers and queers joke I came upon so often in the army), or at least fuck them and let them decide..... Yes brothers and sisters, I have been one of those fuzzy toothed zealots, with my mad glinting eyes and my large sharp rock always at the ready to defend the great state. Of course, I never really knew why. That is one of the perks of unwavering faith: One need not question it unnecessarily. Texas is the best. Source? Shut the fuck up or I'll poke your eyes out. That was the extent of my thoughts on the matter. Well pardners, I figured it right the hell out this weekend. I went on a three day camping trip to Lake Allen Henry here in the panhandle, near Post (Go Antelope Whatthefuckever). Texas being the great state that it is, dammed a canyon and filled it with water so that we Texans could go there and boat and ski and camp. It was there that I learned the true meaning of Texas. Texas wants to kill you. Yes, you. Me too, and everyone you have ever loved. Everything out in nature in Texas is equipped with thorns or spines or fangs or pointy teeth. The bugs go straight for your tender moist eyes with the stingers dripping with venom. A trip to relieve yourself turns into a cactus spine endurance trial as the native plant life tries desperately to rip out a chunk of your flesh. Oh yeah, cactus produce food via photosynthesis. My ass. Tell that to the festering sores on my calves. Cacti will eat you. Stroll by a harmless rock and prepare to hear that rattling sound that everyone in Texas knows. Yup. Snakes. Lots of them, and they all want you to die. Even the cute wildlife is out to get you. Should one enjoy equine activities (riding with saddle, not donkey shows), one could ride all across this vast land. Right up till your horse breaks a leg in a prairie dog burrow. Hell, if you don't break your own leg by just walking around. And, you will note that animals or people that are downed by the dawgs tend to fall right next to their burrows which are loaded with plague bearing fleas who, yes, want to kill you. Even where man tries to claim dominion over This Great and Violent Land Texas will try to kill you. Just ask anyone who has navigated 635 in Dallas during summer heat. It's really no wonder Texans love weapons. If anyone lived in this state for more than a month they would know not to leave the house without a large caliber handgun or at the minimum fnords' enormous chinese bladed whacking stick to prevent your family from being murdered by rampaging mesquite bushes. And Texas features varied and exciting forms of doom. Plants and animals and tornadoes and hurricanes. A state this large can't be limited to one or two types of natural disasters. Nope. Nuh-uh. I thought Austin might be out of the tornado belt. Hah. The horrible winds will take you. Bet on it. It's the variety that gives us the one up on the other states. Cali: Blackouts that will make you stub your toes, maybe riots. Arizona: Ooooh. It's hot. I might die from the heat. That pegs about a 2 on my Give-A-Shit-o-Meter Virginia: Maybe an excess of history. I'm not even sure they have anything larger than a squirrel there. Maine: Maple trees fall on you after all the syrup has been drained to supply Texas' enormous pancake hunger. w00t! Nevada: Can't even kill you. The best it can do is take your money and cause you to go to your home state and kill yourself. This is the lazy Mexican of states. So, to conclude because I am tired and smell bad after fighting against Texas for three days: Goddamnit, this state r00lz. Any state that will keep you on your toes this much without you even really noticing is bad-ass. It makes you into a survivor, guaranteed to be able to beat the living shit out of any of those candy ass debutantes from the "Old South" or those Yak farmers from the chilly northern regions. Hell, even the food will kill you. Guess who produces more beef than anyone? Texas. Huge lumbering hormone injected beasts guaranteed to clog your pump. So stand tall, carry at least one edged weapon or large bore pistol and whenever one of those snooty pickle gangsters from one of those "tiny" states tries to talk shit about Texas ask them "Oh yeah? When was the last time your state tried to kill you?" And then kick them in the balls and have marital relations with their pasty significant other to spread the iron clad seed of Texas. I have to go. Their is a coyote here trying to steal one of my rifles. fj System Administrator with too much time on his hands. ____________________________ What the fuck is that and why is it trying to lay eggs in my skull? --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- Issue#107 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585 copyright (c) MMI fastjack/GwD Publications /---------------\ copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.: a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD : Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/ FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD