Flags: 000000000000
From: davidbe@sco.UUCP
Subject: A Song for the 80's (Offensive to Republicans)
Keywords: explicitly sexual, smirk, original
Date: 16 Feb 89 00:30:06 GMT

GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND

excerpted from 

"Kids Who Eat Paste"

performed by 

The Brunching Shuttlecocks

written by

Lore "Cosmic Slug" Shoberg


Scene:	A podium, with the Presidential Seal and a few
 	microphones on it.  BARBARA BUSH is standing
	at the podium as lights come up.

BARB:	Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press.  As you know,
	I have recently replaced Nancy Reagan as First Lady
	and role model for the youth of today.  Because of this,
	many people have been asking me, "Barbara, what do
	you have to say to contemperary teenagers?  Nancy
	had `Just Say No,' what message do you have?"  Well,
	"No" is such a. . .negative word.  I'd rather give kids
	"dos" than "dont's".  Do recognize your right to pleasure,
	but do protect yourselves from all the horrible things that
	can happen to you.  In short, DO whack off.
		I think that it's high time the people of America
	realized what a boon jerking off can be!  And not just
	children, either.  Why, when George wants some nookie,
	and I don't, he just turns over and slips himself the
	four-fingered practice tunnel, and our problem is solved.
		It's so easy, and people should realize that solo sex 
	is the safest sex.  Next time you feel like consorting with
	someone of questionable sexual background, just pop
	into the nearest bathroom, pull down your pants or
	pull up your skirt, and do some exploring, and in no time
	you'll be satisfied!
		I just want to say: boys, choke that chicken!  Girls,
	shake hands with that pink satin ski slope!  In short,
	Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

	(A banner unfolds behind her, reading "Masturbators
	 of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!"  A ROCKER jumps
	on from offstage, dressed like a conservative middle-aged
	woman might imagine the average rock star to look like,
	i.e. combining Heavy Metal, Punk, and Top Forty in a
	thouroghly atrocious style.  He sings the following song.)

ROCKER:	You don't need to use a condom
	You don't need a dental dam
	You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
	Don't need to spring for dinner,
	Or wear all that sexy stuff
	All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
	'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
	Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

	It's natural, and organic
	It's easy and it's fun
	If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
	You don't need a special licence
	You don't need a special skill
	Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
	'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
	Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

	(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
	ROCKER'S part.  For instance, he does that one bit where you jump 
	backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
	instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)

	You can do it in the bathroom
	You can do it in your bed
	You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
	You can rub it with some lotion
	You can stroke it with a cloth
	Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
	Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
	Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand


Lights go down as ROCKER bows to the audience.

Copyright 1989 Lore Shoberg   (Used with permission)
(velcro@ucscb.ucscc.edu)
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