Flags: 000000000000
From: jsb@actnyc.UUCP (The Invisible Man)
Subject: Anouncing badnews
Keywords: usenet, original, chuckle
Date: 13 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT

Announcing badnews*, a realistic approach to Usenet.

Why badnews?
The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and 
actually creates obtacles for its user community.  In practice, this inhibits
no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved,
leads to aggression.  The time has come to give users what they really want.

Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software:
1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the 'cancel' command
   to the users own postings.  Badnews fixes this problem.
2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines.  Badnews supports arbitrarily
   large signatures.  If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with
   such cute sayings as "flames >/dev/null" and the like.
3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included
   text.  In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by 
   automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like "inews fodder".
4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their 
   intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to
   at least 4 newsgroups.
5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful
   postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to 
   intimidate the poster asking if they "really wanted to do this".  Badnews
   will be more supportive and say "Thank you for sharing."
6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a 
   'Subject:' line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred 
   from the article itself.  Badnews eliminates this redundancy by
   automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant 'Subject:' such as
   "Help needed", "Posting", or "This line intentionally left blank".

New commands available:
1) The 'Sue' command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of
   the currently read message.
2) The 'Expand' command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which
   may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS,
   BMW, MES
3) The 'Suicide' command automatically deposits the users name in other
   users' kill files.  In this interim release, this command is limited to
   adding your name to Ted Kaldis's kill file.
4) The 'Notify' command contacts powerful people associated with the currently
   read message.  Current options include:  notify employer, notify sysadmin,
   and notify the press.
5) The 'Sexchange' command automatically switches the genders in the message
   currently being read.  The interim release limits this function to two
   genders.

New posting aids:
Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before.  In
order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on
common topics selected from a menu.  Menus currently available will cover
1) Hoaxes/urban legends
2) Requests for money
3) Jokes about strings
4) Commonly asked questions (e.g. How do I get my current directory to print
   out in my prompt?)
5) A SERIOUS DILEMMA FOR THE NET
6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above
7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above

Future enhancements will include:
1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty 
   epithets) the author of any article being killed.
2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant
3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons.
4) The 'Pull' command to pull another user's net account.
5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user.
6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above.

Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt.paranoid.

* Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics

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