From: jsnyder@june.cs.washington.edu.UUCP (206) Subject: Drop kick me Date: 24 May 88 20:12:07 GMT A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!" -- From: shankar@hpclscu.HP.COM (Shankar Unni) Subject: Balls to your partner Date: 7 Jun 88 20:32:53 GMT An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises (OK, OK, so this is an *old* one..). The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, "Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!". Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?". The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!" Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!" The American *has* to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order: "Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!" Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top *that* for courage!" So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about *your* people?". So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?" Trevor stares at his general. "Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast." "Yes." "And swim under the keel" "Yes." "You must be daft!" And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, "Now *there*'s an example of TRUE courage!" -- From: neighorn@qiclab.UUCP (Steve Neighorn) Subject: Thank Heavens for Schools Date: 14 Jun 88 21:03:42 GMT [Yet another compendium] And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and teachers: "This paper needs a few comas." "When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal." "We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee." "You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal." "It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage." "At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year." "Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure." "LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed." "Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken." "Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest." "Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection." "Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests." "Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist." "Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool." -- From: bgwolfe@ut-emx.UUCP (Michael Wolfe) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Deathbed humour Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:04 GMT An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries? "I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral." -- From: msb@sq.com.UUCP (Mark Brader) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Quality Control Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:08 GMT >From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail: Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- From: ijd@otter.hple.hp.com (Ian Dickinson) Subject: What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:29 GMT Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do _you_ know Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so" "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know" The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that bl**dy Nun again is it?" -- From: eacj@batcomputer.UUCP (Julian Vrieslander) Subject: A parable for graduate students Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:57 GMT SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. FOX: "What are you working on?" RABBIT: "My thesis." FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?" RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause) FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me." They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. WOLF: "What's that you're writing?" RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." (loud guffaws) WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?" RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?" The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. (The End) MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor. -- From: hack@bellboy.UUCP (Greg Hackney) Subject: U2 the rocket dog Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:59 GMT A true story... There is this very large lovable dog who is named "U2" because he is always flying over the fence like a rocket. A lady was showing a couple around her garage sale, when U2 jumps over the fence and wanders into the garage. The lady suddenly screams, "U2, Get the hell out of here!!!", and was surprised to see the 2 shoppers running away. -- From: ludo@squawk.sq.com.UUCP Subject: Airplanes Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:25 GMT > From Shelley Berman's hilarious book : "Up in the Air" ------------------------- Q. When is it much better to be a women than a men ? A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulences. -- From: fritz@csvax.caltech.edu.UUCP (fritz nordby) Subject: human oscillators Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:27 GMT My favourite two campus practical jokes: 1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene (visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the room's resident retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later, someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one, and turns the light off ... on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly (by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing their heads off). 2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victim's room, the other in the perpetrator's. That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light. There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim (quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light -- BLAM! Well, the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some- thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrator's room. He went over to the perpetrator's room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he looked up at the light -- BLAM! Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator. -- From: mikep@ism780c.isc.com.UUCP (Michael A. Petonic) Subject: Newlywed Game Show Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:29 GMT [ Newlywed Game again. This is a rare example of a followup joke. I normally reject all followup jokes, unless they surpass the original. In this case it might be true. ] There was this couple and the man was asked where was the wierdest place they ever made "whoopie". And with confidence, the woman responds: "Got to be in the butt, Bob." And another section... I think it was on the Pyramid game or something and the word to get was "bread" and so the cluegiver says "Dough" and the black man answered "knob." -- From: tneff@dasys1.UUCP (Tom Neff) Subject: Some original LBJs Date: 30 Jun 88 20:44:32 GMT Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: ============= OK, try again. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. Two to argue over whether the buddha nature already resides in the empty socket, one to light a candle instead, and two to shovel out the outhouses. ============= On a related topic: Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: How many do you think it takes? -- From: rumm@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (LYNDON BRETT RUMM) Subject: Sure plays a mean pinball Date: 30 Jun 88 20:44:35 GMT What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas? - Cancer. -- From: commgrp@silver.bacs.indiana.edu Subject: Televangenists Date: 30 Jun 88 20:55:01 GMT Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim Bakker: Swaggart: "I have a theological question; can a prostitute be saved? Bakker: "Yes." Swaggart: "Would you save me one for Saturday night?" -- Frank reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu "InDiana - where Prince Charles spent his honeymoon." -- From: wendell@ihlpa.UUCP Subject: Reagan's tractor Date: 28 Jun 88 19:28:27 GMT Did you here about the new tractor Reagan designed for farmers? It has no seat or steering wheel. It's meant for the farmer that lost his ass and doesn't know which direction he's going. --- From: gazit@ganelon.usc.edu.UUCP (Salit) Subject: Virgin Joke Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:28 GMT A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money, and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes. After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair" he answered. -- From: suhre@trwrb.UUCP (Maurice E. Suhre) Subject: Brown Cow, White Cow Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:31 GMT There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes", replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow". There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow". The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy". "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!" -- From: hdunne@amethyst.ma.arizona.edu (|-|ugh) Subject: Law and Order Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:58 GMT Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." -- From: bgwolfe@ut-emx.UUCP (Michael Wolfe) Subject: Deathbed humour Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:04 GMT An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries? "I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral." -- From: msb@sq.com.UUCP (Mark Brader) Subject: Quality Control Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:08 GMT >From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail: Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: knurlin@trwspf.UUCP (Scott Karlin) Subject: Dictionary quiz Keywords: chuckle Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:10 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the most dictionaries? -- Scott Karlin -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: kriz@skat.usc.edu (Dennis Kriz) Subject: Glasnost and nothing but Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, original, chuckle Date: 5 Jul 88 18:08:22 GMT Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Yup they're gonna open some 300 Pizza huts back in the ole USSR. I can just see the promotion campaigns: With each pizza get a free glass from our "Heroes of the Revolution" collection. Collect the RIGHT set... dennis -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Subject: Something to think about Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, smirk Date: 9 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA Approved: funny@looking.UUCP In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did. Henry Cate III -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: jbh@mibte.UUCP (James Harvey) Subject: Driver Gets a Stiff Fine Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny, true Date: 9 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT Organization: Michigan Bell Telephone Company Approved: funny@looking.UUCP > From the Detroit News, June 8, 1988 Dateline: Santa Ana, California. A man was fined $58 after failing to persuade a judge that the four frozen corpses in his van qualified him for life in the fast lane. Robert Hanshew, 25, of Westminster, who transports cadavers for a mortuary service, was stopped March 21 for using a freeway car pool lane reserved for vehicles carrying two people or more. -- Jim Harvey Michigan Bell Telephone -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: hoffman@pitt.UUCP (Bob Hoffman) Subject: Grave matter Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 10 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh Computer Science Approved: funny@looking.UUCP This is a joke told by Dave Allen on one of his shows (British program 'Dave Allen at Large'). A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!". He did. -------- Dave Allen is an excellent storyteller and a very inventive comedian. I'm afraid that just reading it here doesn't do justice to it. -- Bob Hoffman -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: mullen@b.gp.cs.cmu.edu (John Mullen) Subject: Stolen record Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 10 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT Organization: Carnegie-Mellon University, CS/RI Approved: funny@looking.UUCP My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it." Yea, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like telling my joke in this manner :-). mullen@b.gp.cs.cmu.edu -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) From: kiribanda@math.colombo.edu Subject: ducky.. Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, heard it, funny Date: 11 Jul 88 03:30:02 GMT Organization: The Colombo University, Sri Lanka Approved: funny@looking.UUCP (And now... the saga continues...) A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!" The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therfore it belongs to me!" The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way." The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?" The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck." The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now." The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: brunette@newton.Berkeley.EDU (Harold Lynn Brunette) Subject: Furrier and furrier Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny, heard it Date: 11 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT Organization: University of California, Berkeley Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Here's one I wish I'd written: A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hal Brunette -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: CaptainDave@cup.portal.com Subject: Armor Potted Beef Product Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk Date: 12 Jul 88 03:30:02 GMT Organization: The Portal System (TM) Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Ever wonder where baby oil comes from??? -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: bob@sarad.cs.su.oz.au.UUCP Subject: open the gates Keywords: chuckle Date: 13 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze met on the eve of the recent super-power summit. "What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked Shevardnadze. Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of the Soviet Union for 24 hours." "Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and it would leave only the two of us sitting here." "Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: andrew@cit5.oz.au.UUCP (Andrew Moore) Subject: Itty Bitty Machines Keywords: chuckle Date: 14 Jul 88 03:30:06 GMT Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia Approved: funny@looking.UUCP The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst: "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long. Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had ever seen. "Open the door! shouted the salesman. The analyst opened the door. The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and disappeared inside. The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the analyst, and said: "Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another." - - - andrew@cit5.oz (...oz.au) Andrew Moore. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: werner@carl.ma.utexas.edu.UUCP (Werner R. Uhrig) Subject: You're never a loan with a Rolls Keywords: heard it, funny Date: 12 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs. "What security can you offer?" the banker asked. "My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away for a few weeks. Here are the keys." A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan, 1017 francs with interest. "Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand franc loan for a man of your obvious means?" "Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?" (these jokes stolen, guess where ...:-) -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: kgdykes@watmath.UUCP (Ken Dykes) Subject: puppy joke, sligtly off colour Keywords: gross, sexual, smirk Date: 13 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP What's the difference between a toy poodle humping your leg and a Pit Bull humping your leg? ...The Pit Bull gets to finish! -ken -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: andrew@damask.UUCP (Derek Andrew) Subject: Astrology in the White House Keywords: chuckle Date: 17 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP "The report that important decisions in the White House were based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results could undermine faith in astrology." Letter to the Editor New York Times 15 May 1988 -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: NAHAJ@miriam.utah.edu.UUCP (John Halleck, Postmaster) Subject: Telling an Optimist from a Pessimist [Again] Keywords: smirk Date: 18 Jul 88 03:30:04 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP As told by Peter Ludwig of Austria at the National Cave Rescue Commission Cave Rescue Training Seminar: How do you tell an Optimist from a Pessimist? An optimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 marks. A pessimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 rubles. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: ncoverby@ndsuvax.UUCP (Glen Overby) Subject: The Collapse of Usenet Keywords: maybe Date: 20 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT Organization: Silo Tech Fargo, ND Approved: funny@looking.UUCP [ This one is interesting because many of the things listed have already taken place. -ed ] For years people have been predicting that Usenet will collapse. Like the ancient Roman civilization, there will be indicators of this impending collapse, when it nears. These will include: Somebody other than Henry Spencer will post from utzoo. Utzoo will be upgraded in cpu and/or operating system (from an 11/44 runn version 7) Seizmo will cease to exist, cutting off the east coast. Decwrl's Usenet readership data will expire, because nobody there reads news anymore. The line eater will re-appear. (note: it has appeared on Bitnet, but looks a lot like the 'last card in the reader' problem) Bitnet will stop truncating files at 80 characters, eliding trailing blanks and translating ASCII to funky characters. Ihnp4 will become reliable. Eugene Myia will start saying "Don't send me mail -- follow up!" Bob Webber will do something GOOD for the network. The Brahms Gang will do something GOOD for the network. Eric Mading will core dump. Talk.Bizarre will drop from the volume ratings. The alt.* subnet will be absorbed into the main network with no protests >From either parties. Mailing lists on Bitnet and the Internet will cease to exist, being replaced with a news-like interface thus doing away with the random "Please add me to your list" postings. Gene Spafford will stop posting his monthly group lists. There will be NO April Fools pranks pulled. -- Glen Overby -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT From: okunewck@gondor.UUCP (Phil OKunewick) Subject: When you wish upon a leprechaun... Keywords: smirk, nasty word Date: 21 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP This fella catches a leprechaun. (I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories. We'll skip this part...) ...so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish." "When?" "Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye." That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures on his front porch. The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?" -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu.UUCP (Werner Uhrig) Subject: "Whose side are you on, anyway...." Keywords: chuckle, topical Date: 1 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT ( just hot off Werner's wire-service ...) Mr. Reagan visited Dukakis headquarters yesterday, offering to work for his election campaign. "No, Mr. President, I am the Democratic candidate. You probably meant to ge to the Republican Campaign headquarter. "Well, now, no, I had gone there first, but they told me to come over here and help..." -------------------------------------------- werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: dipirro@3d.dec.com (INTJ - Sexual Technologist) Subject: I hate to be a nonconformist, but enough is enough! Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, racist, rot13, offense=Jews, offense=Poles Date: 2 Aug 88 09:30:03 GMT Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation D: Qvq lbh urne nobhg gur arj oenaq bs gverf - Sverfgrva? N: Gurl abg bayl fgbc ba n qvzr, gurl cvpx vg hc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guvf Cbyr tbg zneevrq, ohg ur jnf gbb qhzo gb xabj jung gb qb ba uvf jrqqvat avtug. "Sbe Tbq'f fnxr, Fgna," fnvq uvf oevqr, "lbh gnxr gung guvat lbh cynl jvgu naq lbh chg vg jurer V crr." Fb ur tbg hc naq guerj uvf objyvat onyy va gur fvax. Fgrir QvCveeb -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: johnbl@tekig5.TEK.COM (John Blankenagel) Subject: Fish Story Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 2 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or. A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawer said "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked "how do you start a flood?" -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: davidt@psuhcx (Thomas S. David) Subject: taking notes... Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 3 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT Organization: Penn State University Engineering Computer Lab To all those Freshman note takers out there....here's an example of good note taking :-).... *********************** * HOW TO TAKE NOTES * *********************** WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE: "Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have John Milton--born 1608 excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written." "When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his Lafayette discovered America help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them." "Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now face doubt the complete advantageousness the United States are directly of some of Roosevelt's policies" traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. "...it is possible that we do Professor Mitchell is a communist not understand the Russian viewpoint..." "The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, Hydrochloric acid eats the hell the corrosive residue is out of steel inharmonious with metallic persistance." ********* E-mail dst@psuecl -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: dab@whuts.UUCP Subject: Joke heard at a comedy club Keywords: sexual, smirk, slightly sexist Date: 8 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT Why are women like snow flakes?? They are all beautiful They are all different They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face...... Dave B. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy) Subject: Rec.Humor.Funny 1 year old today Keywords: administrivia Date: 8 Aug 88 03:32:44 GMT Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont. Today marks the first birthday of rec.humor.funny. Thanks to all my submitters for a funny year, and thanks to the readers, too. (Please don't mail to thank me, the 700 Poll responses were enough.) My only disappointment is that the group still shows only 85% propagation on the net surveys. If your site doesn't get the group yet ... then how the hell are you reading this? But seriously, since this group does have one of the best volume/readership ratios around, I'm not sure of the origin of this figure. Now might be a good time to review the posting regs, but I think I'll wait until after vacation time is over for a full scale review. Quick reminder: a) No form feeds b) ONE joke per submission, with an informative subject c) Mail rather than post the jokes (It's hard to reply to posted stuff) d) I reply to every submission, but about 25% of these replies bounce e) Do not rotate what you send me, it's annoying. f) Please tell me where you heard it, and tell me if you wrote it. I am more lenient with original stuff. g) I believe the U.S.'s founding fathers intended to make a system where you could get off on technicalities. h) There is no rule 6. i) BMW stands for "I'm a frayed not." j) Gestation is a bitch, and then you're born. h) Don't send me stuff from rec.humor. More news later, same bat time, same bat channel. -- Edited by Brad Templeton Send jokes to {cbosgd,watmath}!looking!funny From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: jackm@devvax.Jpl.Nasa.Gov.UUCP (Jack Morrison) Subject: Another comp.newprod reject? Keywords: original, chuckle Date: 9 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, CA. +------------------------------------------------------------------+ | KnowWare, Inc. announces the following word processing products: | +------------------------------------------------------------------+ PAIR-O-DOCS - A split-screen basic text editor. LINE-O-TYPE - A complete WYSIWYGLY Desktop Publishing system. XY-MORON - A scientific document system, extremely easy-to-use. WORD WAR I - Specialized editor for defense contractors. LEFT WRITE - A TSR utility that remaps the keyboard for left-handed typists. MAC-ULET (Univerity Level Editing Tool) - Oriented to thesis writing. YAYA (Yet Another YACC Alternative) - A first text editor for grammar schools. LET US 123 - A basic mathematics teaching package. All products will be shipping shortly. (We thought of the names already; how long could it take to write them?). Also announcing a product to be available in the next quarter (century): LASER TURBO HYPETEX II-PLUS - An object-oriented AI-based 5th-generation vaporware prototyping environment, including propietary and patented Integrated Buzzword Manufacturing (IBM). B.T.W., MAC and YACC are S.E.T. (Somebody Else's Trademarks). -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: md@marvin.UUCP (Mark Dionne) Subject: joke (offense = India) Keywords: racist, chuckle, rot13 Date: 9 Aug 88 09:30:04 GMT Jura Zef. Tunaqv jrag gb Zbfpbj, Xuehfupuri gbbx ure sbe n gbhe bs gur pvgl va uvf yvzb. Erpnyyvat uvf ivfvg gb Vaqvn, Ur fgnegrq tvivat ure n uneq gvzr nobhg gur fnavgnel pbaqvgvbaf gurer. "Jura V jnf va Qryuv, V fnj uhzna rkperzrag ylvat rireljurer." Cbbe Zef. Tunaqv jnf greevoyl rzonenffrq, ohg bayl sbe n zbzrag, orpnhfr whfg nurnq jnf n zna fvggvat ba uvf urryf, fuvggvat ba gur fvqr bs gur ebnq. Fur cbvagrq guvf bhg. Xuehfupuri jnf yvivq naq qvqa'g urfvgngr: "Qevire, trg bhg vzzrqvngryl naq fubbg gung zna!" Gur qevire tbg bhg, jnyxrq hc gb gur zna jvgu uvf tha qenja, fcbxr oevrsyl, naq gura erghearq gb gur pne. "Fve, V pna'g fubbg gung zna, ur'f gur Vaqvna nzonffnqbe." (Gbyq gb zr va 1978 ol na rzcyblrr bs VOZ Vaqvn.) -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: chandra@ihuxv.UUCP Subject: Homeostatic needs of humans Keywords: chuckle Date: 9 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT A finanicial magnate was on his death bed. He was under an Oxygen tent. At his side stood his loyal subordinate, tears streaming down his face. "Do not grieve," whispered the expiring tycoon, with considerable effort. "I want you to know that I appreciate your faithful services to me over the years. I am leaving you my money, my plane, my estates, my yacht... everything I have." "Thank you sir" cried the subordinate. "You have always been so good to me all these years. If only there were something I could do for you in these last moments." There is ... There is." gasped the half-dead man. "Then tell me what it is," implored the faithful servant, "tell me!" "Stop pressing your foot so hard on the oxygen li....!" the dying man managed to utter. B. Chandramouli -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: gaynor@aramis.rutgers.edu.UUCP (Silver) Subject: Re: PC Flame from unix-pc.test Keywords: original, funny Date: 10 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT [ I got this as somebody's list of reactions to the rejection note they were sent on a submission. The rejection reaction was funnier than the joke. This is parodied on the Roxanne list. ] (Ok...) Inflamed: What?!? You didn't think it was funny? Where did you get your sense of humor, an Acme correspondence course? What do I have to do to get something funny posted around here? Blow half of the backbone SAs for my OWN newsgroup, like you? Bribery: Ok, how about five bucks? Polite: I wasn't sure if you wanted to handle it, but I wanted to make sure you had the opportunity. Defensive: Hey, *I* didn't write it. Sly: Just testing. You pass. [Remaining 19 not included because I'm not as funny as Cyrano/Martin.] No? I know, I know, "Keep trying.". Regards, [Ag] gaynor@rutgers.edu -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton) Subject: Dave Letterman's comment on the Night Game at Wrigley Field Keywords: chuckle, sexual, topical Date: 10 Aug 88 06:11:05 GMT Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont. The first planned night game at Wrigley field in Chicago was called because of rain. Says David Letterman, "I seem to recall the first time I tried it with the lights on, it was pretty much of a washout as well." -- Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473 From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: saltis@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (sotirios saltis) Subject: A little child shall lead them Keywords: sexual, dirty words, smirk Date: 10 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher. The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose." Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan. The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class." When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, " Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!" "Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about?" "Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!" Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true." "I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged. The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said. "You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head. Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines," she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson." "The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over." -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: proett@wilbur.nas.nasa.gov.UUCP (Tom Proett) Subject: FAA saves the day Keywords: true, smirk Date: 11 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT This from Air & Space/Smithsonian magazine: The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa, under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable abbreviation for the facility. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: regisc@tekgvs.GVS.TEK.COM.UUCP (Regis J. Crinon) Subject: Baby Boom. Keywords: smirk Date: 12 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT Q: Do you know what a test tube baby's worst nightmare is ? A: Ella Fitzgerald and Memorex. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson) Subject: Shotgun Weddings Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 12 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT >From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in Pakistan: First he tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached a runway in Norhtern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too. So he tried to land on a road and cracked up. From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No, just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo. With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentily "blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40 days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying lead." In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed high tension electrical wires, the falling wires electrocuted 8 guests and set parts of the village on fire. As well there have been sevearl injuries to people not even attending the weddings who happen into the path of a stray bullet. Although authorities have promised to crack down, little success is expected. In the words of a city councillor, "If I do not use my gun when invited to a wedding, I will be considered a mouse, not a man." Rambo would be proud. P.S. along a similar note, although Rambo III has not been pulling in the North American box office receipts the producers would have liked, they are reportedly not worried because Rambo movies pull 80% of their gross >from foreign receipts. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: csg@pyramid.pyramid.com.UUCP (Carl S. Gutekunst) Subject: It depends on how many flats they brought with them Keywords: chuckle Date: 15 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate. The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces. Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it." Replies the software engineer, "Naw, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself." [Blame it on laz@pyramid. He told it to me.] From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: baulch@thiazi.cs.cornell.edu (Garth Baulch) Subject: Double negatives Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 23 Aug 88 15:30:04 GMT Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept, Ithaca NY A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a negative." A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...." -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: jho@ihlpe.ATT.COM (Yosi Hoshen) Subject: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a hawk? Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, funny Date: 24 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Naperville, Illinois A quayle -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: cochran@tc.fluke.COM (Galen Cochran) Subject: Alien sex Keywords: sexual, smirk Date: 24 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT Three questions to ask an alien before having sex: (1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans? (2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months? (3) Which one is your mouth? Galen. -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: ecl@mtgzy.UUCP Subject: Booming popularity Keywords: original, chuckle, topical Date: 25 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: AT&T, Middletown NJ I am writing this on the morning following an event of great national shock. The Republicans have chosen Dan Quayle as the Vice-Presidential candidate. Quayle is a young man, 41, and part of the interpretation is that the party wants to appeal to the Baby Boomer generation. This is a colossal miscalculation in this commentator's opinion. I know. I am from the Baby Boomer generation myself. (Okay, let's say late in the Baby Boomer generation, very, very late, okay?) I can tell you most of this generation are people who are getting along but haven't hit it big. Some of us even ride garbage trucks or clerk in stores. It's not going to appeal to us to see that had we played our cards differently we could have been Vice-Presidential candidates by now. That's more for people maybe twenty years or so older, we tell ourselves. Now this thing happens and every Baby Boomer has to face the fact that some slob our age--or in my case somewhat over--is making it big. And there are other similarities. Quayle's family owned newspapers. My family owned newspapers. The difference is my family kept ours stacked under the cellar steps; his family published them, so didn't have to keep them under the steps. In any case, this is all very sobering news and I hope the Republicans are prepared for the kind of backlash they will get from us politically-aware Baby Boomers. Mark R. Leeper [ What I want to know is, what's Quayle got against Canada?? If he wanted to dodge the war, we have a perfectly good country up here he could have visited. Does he have a secret foreign policy agenda we don't know about? ] -- .. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: dbw@crash.cts.com (David B. Whiteman) Subject: Political song Keywords: chuckle, topical Date: 26 Aug 88 03:30:06 GMT Sing to the song "I'm so Excited": Chorus: This fall it looks like Bush against Dukakis. A choice between a preppie and a nerd. When pitted one on one it could get ruckus. They both could end up in a tie for third. Dukakis: I'm Mike Dukakis. Chorus: Shock us! Just like Millard Filmore. Dukakis: I'll command you. Chorus: Hand you, lots of Sominex. Dukakis: And when I speak: Chorus: You keep us asleep. Dukakis: I'm not exciting. There's just no hiding. I might even vote for Bush, but I'm undecided. Chorus: I'm not excited. I'm not ignited. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't support you, not you. Dukakis: When you go in that booth and pull that lever. Don't think of who I am, but who I'm not. I'm not Ed Meese, and I'm not Michael Deaver. Not Ollie North, Ed Mecham, or James Watt. I'm not indicted. Chorus: He's not indicted. I just took a second look, and I think I like it. Chorus: I'm all excited. I'm all ignited. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I want you. I want you. Chorus (Repeat): 1st Chorus: I'm all excited. 2nd Chorus: They caught a new disease. 1st Chorus: I'm all ignited. 2nd Chorus: Elect Dukakis! 1st Chorus: I just took a second look, and I think I like it. 1st Chorus: I'm all excited. 2nd Chorus: This germ is terminal. 1st Chorus: I'm all ignited. 2nd Chorus: Elect Dukakis! 1st Chorus: I just took a second look, and I think I like it. Written by the Capitol Steps, a singing group composed of Congressional aides. -- .. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: adbst@cisunx.UUCP (Andrew D. Bowen) Subject: A new Movie Keywords: original, smirk, topical Date: 25 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh, Comp & Info Sys [Edited] Perhaps since "The Last Temptation of Christ" attempts to talk about how the Jews supposedly killed Jesus, it might get more viewers if it is named, "WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBI?" [ Or as they said in rec.arts.movies, "Who Framed Roger Ebert?" -- "The Siskel Kid," of course. ] -- .. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: sundaram@vx2.GBA.NYU.EDU (An eel called Judy) Subject: Top ten reasons Ilove New York beaches Keywords: original, chuckle, topical Date: 26 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT Switch on emulation = David Letterman TEN REASONS WHY NEW YORKERS PREFER BEACHES IN NEW YORK STATE. ------------------------------------------------------------- 10) It really feels at home swimming in sewage. 9) You can improve your arithmetic by counting the rats that float by. 8) Studies have shown that shark repellent is no substitute for high bacterial levels. 7) The shellfish truly come in interesting shapes and designs. 6) The Iranian revolutionary guards have planted mines only in the Persian Gulf. 5) The dolphins are so friendly that they wash up on the beach to make place for you and your kids in the ocean. 4) With these dangerous epidemics in the air, it MUST be safer in the water. 3) In case of emergencies, medical AIDS are never more than an arms-length away. 2) Mario Cuomo performs his daily ablutions in the ocean and the Democrats haven't as yet washed away. 1) Ed Koch swims at Cape Cod. ================================================================== Switch off emulation = David Letterman ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vijay Sundaram -- .. Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: tut@Sun.COM (Bill "Bill" Tuthill) Subject: Draft Dodger Rag [for Danforth Quayle] Keywords: original, maybe, topical Date: 29 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT Draft Dodger Rag by Phil Ochs [annotated for Danforth Quayle] Oh I am just a typical American boy [with a filthy rich grandpa] > from a typical American town [where my daddy runs the newspaper] I believe in God and Senator Dodd and keeping old Castro down. [not to mention Daniel Ortega] And when it came my time to serve I knew better dead than red, [or is it better red than dead?] but when I got to my old draft board, buddy this is what I said. [for I was already in the Nat'l Guard] Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen [my father made a few calls] and I always carry a purse; I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat [friends made some more calls] and my asthma's getting worse. Yes think of my career and my sweetheart dear [America needs more lawyers!] and my poor old invalid aunt; besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school [Even as a teenager I loved the and I'm working in a defense plant. military-industrial complex] I got a dislocated disk & a racked up back [My daddy made me carry the I'm allergic to flowers and bugs; entire circulation one day] when the bombshell hits I get epileptic fits and I'm addicted to a thousand drugs. [the Dukakis campaign knows I got the weakness woes I can't touch my toes I smoked pot in law school] I can hardly reach my knees; and if the enemy came close to me [I've always been allergic I'd probably start to sneeze. to slanteye communists] I hate Chou Enlai and I hope he dies, [now I love Deng Xioping] but one thing you gotta see: that someone's gotta go over there [why can't the poor go fight?] and that someone isn't me. [you bet-- my daddy's rich] So I wish you well, Sarge give 'em hell, kill me a thousand or so; [torture a few Nicaraguans too] if you ever get a war without blood and gore I'll be the first to go. [that's why I support SDI!] -- .. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: UH2%psuvm.bitnet@rutgers.edu (Lee Sailer 814-898-6268) Subject: Affection Gap Keywords: true, chuckle, sexual, topical Date: 29 Aug 88 15:30:05 GMT >From the Dukakis campaign--- Dukakis and his wife, Kitty, are frequently quite affectionate in public. Reporters asked D. if he thought that Bush and his wife would have to behave more affectionately in response. Dukakis responded that to his knowledge most democrats preferred double beds, while most republicans preferred two singles. After a pause he said , ``Maybe that's why there are more democrats.'' -- .. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: fbaube@note.nsf.gov Subject: We stand on guard for thee... Keywords: funny, topical Date: 30 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT Relayed by: Walid Why did the chicken cross the road? ...to get to the National Guard. (And, from Jay Leno) "I was just back in the newsroom there - saw Pat Robertson and Dan Quayle swapping war stories." What do Guardsmen actually do ? "You just kind of sit around waiting for something to happen. If that isn't training for the vice-presidency - I don't know what is." .. "A lot of people just feel he's too inexperienced for a do-nothing job." And, Quayle has two things that Bentsen lacks - "A blow-drier and a pulse". ----------------- -- .. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: commgrp@silver.bacs.indiana.edu Subject: male chauvinist jokes Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexist, chuckle, rot13 Date: 30 Aug 88 09:30:05 GMT Organization: Indiana University CSCI, Bloomington D: Jul qb jbzra gnxr ybatre guna zra gb ernpu betnfz? N: Jub pnerf? -- D: Ubj qb lbh xabj jura vg'f gvzr gb jnfu qvfurf naq pyrna gur ubhfr? N: Ybbx vafvqr lbhe cnagf; vs lbh unir n cravf, vg'f abg gvzr. -- Frank -- .. If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site. Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: vixie@decwrl.dec.com (Paul Vixie) Subject: Language barriers Keywords: smirk, original, true Date: 30 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT Organization: DEC Western Research Lab (This isn't really a joke, but it's fictional and it's funny. Half-fictional, anyway. Jordan Hubbard has moved to Germany, and he had this to say in some recent e-mail from there:) "... my landlady insists on speaking german to me at every opportunity. Having 6 year old kids come up to you and say "ggbbdbffbtttllgghhx lldfggbhjk ffbgglskxksii??" (that's what it sounds like to american ears) is somewhat humbling. A typical conversation (such as the one I had this morning at the train station) between myself and Johahn Schmidt (John Smith) goes something like this: JS = random german person with sudden need to talk to confused looking american person sitting on station platform.. CA = Confused American (me) [ xxx ] = portion of german actually understood by CA JS: "ggdbffhbbl shdaxjla [ train ] mfflufftagglt [ what] flkiftag?" CA: (startled) "Huh?" JS: "flafguhg ylakfoo pwit?" CA: "Uh. Um. Ich spreche .. um. kein deutch." (I don't speak german) JS: "fllggaift? Nicht? maflufa gggg pwomp sneerg?" CA: (more slowly) "Uh. Meine deutch is nicht gut!" (My german is not good!) JS: "Ah! maflufhag fwafahwafa [american] ggglikahst gnug [german] fggg." CA: "Yeah. What you said." JS: "llaflufa gag pwit narg foof! Gewacka wacka!" CA: "You need change? A light? Directions? Some nuclear waste?" (pulls change from pocket and gestures at it, in hopes that it is the first). "Things usually proceed in this fashion until I end up staring at my feet hoping that god will make this person go away soon. JS generally gets bored at this point and asks someone else whatever was being asked." Jordan Hubbard (via Paul Vixie, reprinted without permission) -- .. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Drug test (it's the caffeine I can do without) Keywords: maybe, scatological Date: 31 Aug 88 03:30:04 GMT Tester: "Please step into the bathroom over there, and fill this cup to the halfway mark". Testee (thinks): Hmmm. Only half a cup? What's the matter, don't they like my urine? -- .. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: adamm@necis.nec.com (Adam Moskowitz) Subject: Polly want a crack-up? Keywords: heard it, chuckle Date: 31 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squaks "Behing his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" -- .. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer) Subject: George Bush: He's "Just Folks" Keywords: chuckle, topical Date: 1 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA [From the New Republic] "Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished." -- Nancy Ellis, George Bush's sister Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer -- .. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: danny@Ford-wdl1.ARPA (Daniel . Abramovitch) Subject: Our Pal Dan Keywords: topical, funny Date: 1 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT Heard from Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, Monday August 29: Do you hear that they are even making a movie now about Dan Quayle's Vietnam War experience. It's called "Full Dinner Jacket". -- Daniel Abramovitch -- .. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: schaefer@ogcvax.UUCP (Barton E. Schaefer) Subject: Republican Prayer Keywords: original, smirk, topical Date: 2 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT This one is entirely my fault. The Republican Prayer --------------------- Our Gipper, who art in Washington, Ronald be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, In Heaven as it has on Earth. Give us this day our Contra Aid, And forget Ollie's trespasses, As we forgive those you trespassed against us. And lead us not into Taxation, But deliver us from the Evil Empire. For thine are the Deficit, and Star Wars, and George, Four more years. Amen! -- Bart Schaefer -- .. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: dwg@hpqtdla.UUCP (David Grieve) Subject: Taking the low road Keywords: sexual, smirk Date: 2 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?? SCOTSMAN: Certainly... REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep .... ---------------------JOKE 2--------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a Highlander with 4 sheep? A: A pimp -- .. Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: anonymous@erehwon.UUCP Subject: Collection of Shuttle Jokes Keywords: sick, racist, funny, heard it Date: 5 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT [ This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, much later. You may well have heard of these. THere are more, but I'm not posting them. As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the submitter asked to be anonymous, you can't send to him either. ] S H U T T L E J O K E S Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed? A: One blew left and one blew right. Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words? A: "What's this button do?" Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband? A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish". Q: What was the Shuttle's last transmission? A: "I said BUD LITE!". Q: What does NASA stand for? A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts A2: Need Another Shuttle Also A3: Chicken Kiev Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger? A: They didn't know it was going to blow up. Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink? A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP. Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior controller say? A: "72, 73, 74 BOOM! - Just kidding guys!" Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common? A: They both should have stayed on the pad. Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common? A: They're all looking for a tight seal. Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagon? A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray. Q: Why did the board of education recommended posthumously taking away McAuliffe's teaching certificate? A: She set a bad example by blowing up in front of her students. Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer? A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard. Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common. A: They both went down on the challenger. Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next shuttle mission? A: She's going to be a substitute. Q: Did you hear that the first civilian on the shuttle is no longer an English teacher? A: Now she's history. -- .. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: okunewck@gondor.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick) Subject: UNIX made simple Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 5 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT This morning, one of our users told me of something he'd read about businesses and UNIX. It appears that many businesses are buying UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of it's simplicity in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications. He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have. ---Duck -- .. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: tomc%apple@acad.UUCP (Thomas M. Chavez) Subject: Languages Keywords: smirk Date: 6 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT Waitress: Hawaii mister? You must be Hungary? Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long either. Venice lunch ready? Waitress: I'll Russia table. What'll you Havre? Aix? Gent: Whatever's ready. But can't Jamaica cook step on the gas? Waitress: Odessa laugh! But Alaska. Gent: Don't do me favors. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java. Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia. Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus. I hope he'll Kenya! I don't Bolivia know who I am! Waitress: Canada noise! i don't Carribean. You sure Ararat! Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Be Nice! Matter of fact, I gotta Smolensk for ya! Waitress: Attu! Don't Diev me that Boulogne! Alamein do! Spain in the neck! Pay you check and scram, Abyssinia! Finnish -- .. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: jbowe@pineapple.bbn.com Subject: Some men are leg men, ass men, breast men, but I prefer to consider a woman as a whole. Keywords: sexist, rot13, sexual, smirk Date: 6 Sep 88 09:30:05 GMT Guerr thlf ner qvfphffvat jbzra. "V yvxr gb jngpu n jbzna'f gvgf orfg," gur svefg thl fnlf. Gur frpbaq fnlf "V yvxr gb ybbx ng n jbzna'f nff." Ur nfxf gur guveq thl "Jung nobhg lbh?". "Zr? V cresre gb frr gur gbc bs ure urnq." -wbua- -- .. If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site. Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: robison@m.cs.uiuc.edu (Arch Robison) Subject: future computing newspaper Keywords: original, smirk Date: 6 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT Soon available at checkout counters everywhere: *NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER* EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads! STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars? SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie! TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell! REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map! OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest! PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again! CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO! ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point? SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk! - Arch D. Robison From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: bill@bcsfse.UUCP (Bill Sears) Subject: 4 Southern Belles Keywords: swearing, smirk Date: 7 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon 1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me. He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond ring for every finger." 2SB: "My My My" 3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats." 2SB: "My My My" 4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly everywhere on this whole blessed earth." 2SB: "My My My" (Nervous pause) 1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?" 2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school." (Nervous pause) 3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?" 2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'" -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: mmoore@saturn.ucsc.edu (Matthew Moore) Subject: What goes around Keywords: scatological, funny Date: 7 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT [ A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these jokes; Bill is an imigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always been a little different from ours. ] In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong. After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways. The cook heard them out, then said "You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee". From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: mary@zaphod.UUCP Subject: More about the 2nd oldest profession Keywords: chuckle Date: 8 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. mary@arthur.uchicago.edu From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: lrh00@uts.amdahl.com (Lynn Robert Holtzman) Subject: Up up and away Keywords: funny, topical, sick Date: 9 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT The 'BLUE ANGELS' will be appearing at Moffet Field next week, and will have the Italian Air Force start the show off, to warm up the audience. Lynn Holtzman -- Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: hobie@sq.sq.com (Hobie Orris) Subject: computer joke (original) Keywords: maybe, original Date: 9 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT New Programmer's Editor for the Amiga ------------------------------------- Hot on the heels of Apple Computer's release of HyperCard is a new concept in interactive text editors from Obscure Technologies Inc., named PunchEd. For those wondering what HyperCard is, it's a new `metaphor' in human-computer interaction, in which data, be they text, music or pictures, are represented by a hierarchy of `index cards' which the user can activate or browse through by using mouse-sensitive gadgets. Obscure Technologies has, as their promo- tional literature states, contracted (not expanded) on the HyperCard idea in their new programmer's editor, PunchEd. In PunchEd, the visual metaphor presented to the user is that of a stack of punched paper cards, just like those used extensively in the computer industry since the 1950s and with which the company believes real programmers will feel more comfortable than with full-screen text editors. The cards can be viewed on the screen individually, or several can be viewed spread out simultaneously (a process referred to as `fanning'). Like HyperCard, PunchEd allows the user to browse, or `riffle', through his or her `stack' of cards using the mouse. Users must exercise some caution when riffling, since there is a chance that they could experience a `stack drop', where the carefully-arranged cards become hopelessly jumbled. This reviewer somehow managed to perform a stack drop, an operation only slightly less frustrating than getting a stack overflow. Fortunately, PunchEd provides a `shuffle' command for getting things back in order again. There is also a facility whereby a previously entered card can be duplicated with a single keystroke - quite a time-saver. Other basic editor features, such as entering text, are also provided. One small problem, however, is that there is no backspacing capability, so in order to correct your text, you must retype the offending line onto a new card and remove the old one. Some users will, I'm sure, appreciate this attention to detail. The feature of PunchEd that will probably make it a big success in the eyes of programmers is that command text can be included in the same file as the source code. Goodbye, Make! With the inclusion of a few simple cards at the beginning of your file you can specify all the processing control you need. For example, to compile and link your C program, just include the following: //MYPROG JOB NAME=HELLO,CLASS=C //STEP1 EXEC PGM=CC,PARM=(-S,+L) //INCLUDE DD DSNAME=INCLUDE/STDIO.H,UNIT=DF0,DISP=SHR //STEP2 EXEC PGM=LN //STEPLIB DD DSNAME=C.LIB,UNIT=LIB,DISP=SHR //* start of program //* main() { printf("hello, world\n"); } /* Hobie Orris -- Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: woody1@ihlpa.UUCP Subject: Minnesota Bashing Keywords: chuckle Date: 12 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT Minnesota Slogans 1. I came, I thawed, I transferred.... 2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy. 3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski. 4. Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy. 5. Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito. 6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world. 9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon. 10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat. 11. Where the elite meet sleet. 12. Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS 13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here. 14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it. 15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today? 16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder, Older, & Fatter. 17. Many are cold, but few are frozen. 18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa! 19. WARNING: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route! 20. Minnesota: theater of sneezes. 21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota - he spends half his life there. 22. Land of 10,000 Petersons. 23. Land of the ski and home of the crazed. 24. Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp (Where the damn river starts!) 25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks! 26. In Minnesota ducks don't fly, people do! Jeff Janke AT&T Bell Laboratories -- Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: bgm@zorac.UUCP Subject: Organ Donation Keywords: sexual, smirk Date: 12 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT An 80-year old man read in the paper that someone had saved a life by signing an organ donor card. The man felt this was a noble thing to do so he called the organ donor organization to see if he could get a card. Unfortuneatly, he was told that he was too old to donate his organs when he died. The lady at the organization did tell him that if he wanted to give life in another way that he could go to the sperm bank - they take anyone of any age. Rather pleased, the man went to the sperm bank. After filling out the obligatory forms, the receptionist gave him a jar and pointed to a little room and said *You can go in there to donate, thank you*. So the man went in and closed the door and in a moment the receptionist heard this loud moaning and groaning. She felt a little embarrassed for the old man but did nothing. The moaning and groaning continued for 20 minutes and finally she knocked on the door and asked if the old man was all right. The old man came out and said, *I'm really sorry. I tried it with my left hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then I tried it with both hands, but I can't get the DAMN LID OFF THE JAR!!! [Original, the author claims.] -- Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: orr@taux02.UUCP (Orr Michael ) Subject: Old but less common. (OK, I admit, I'm digging here) Keywords: heard it, racist, chuckle Date: 13 Sep 88 03:30:05 GMT Organization: National Semiconductor (IC) Ltd, Israel A Jew & a Chinaman (sigh...) are traveling on a train together. After a while, The jew stand up, and gives the chinaman a tremndous slap. "what are you doing ?" says the stricken chinese. "That's for Pearl-Harbour" says the jew. "but I am chinese ! the Japanese were responsible fopr that!" says the chinese. "Japanese, Chinese, - all the same" they resume their seats. a while passes. Then the chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the jew. "hey! what's going on ?" "that's for the Titanic!" says the chinese. "But the titanic was hit by an Iceberg!" "Iceberg, Rosenberg, - All the same" -- Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: peter@stca77.stc.oz.au (Peter Jeremy) Subject: I'm going to be a builder when I grow up Keywords: swearing, rot13, chuckle Date: 13 Sep 88 09:30:05 GMT Organization: Alcatel-STC, Alexandria, AUSTRALIA Yvggyr Znegva vf sbhe lrnef byq. Bar qnl juvyr ur jnf crfgrevat uvf zbgure, fur fnvq "Jul qba'g lbh tb npebff gur fgerrg naq jngpu gur ohvyqref jbex, znlor lbh jvyy yrnea fbzrguvat". Znegva jnf tbar nobhg gjb ubhef. Jura ur pnzr ubzr, uvf zbgure nfxrq uvz jung ur unq yrneag. Znegva ercyvrq - "Jryy svefg lbh chg gur tbqqnza qbbe hc. Gura gur fba bs n ovgpu qbrfa'g svg fb lbh unir gb gnxr gur pbpx fhpxre qbja. Gura lbh unir gb funir n phag unve bss rnpu fvqr naq chg gur zbgure shpxre onpx hc." Znegva'f zbgure fnvq "Jnvg hagvy lbhe sngure trgf ubzr." Jura Znegva'f sngure tbg ubzr, Znegva'f zhz gbyq uvz gb nfx Znegva jung ur unq yrneag gbqnl. Jura Znegva gbyq uvz gur jubyr fgbel, qnq fnvq "Znegva, tb bhgfvqr naq trg zr n fjvgpu." Znegva ercyvrq "Trg shpxrq. Gungf gur ryrpgevpvna'f wbo." -- If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site. Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: mikel@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (Mike Liang) Subject: Two peanuts were walking down the StrauBe Keywords: original, chuckle, pun Date: 13 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT Organization: UCLA Computer Science Department (Here's a stupid chemistry joke I made up in the 8th grade.) What kind of charge do you get when you mix acid and base in a chain of electrolytic cells? A salt and battery. Mike -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: davidsen@crdos1.UUCP (Wm E. Davidsen) Subject: Misplaced modifier Keywords: true, chuckle, sexual Date: 14 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT Heard on PBS last week: Nearly 600,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy each year. -- bill davidsen -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: alj@mtunb.UUCP Subject: Have I got a deal Keywords: heard it, chuckle Date: 14 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer. Satan says, "Look, I have a business proposition for you. I can get you any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like." The producer's eyes light up. "Hmm. . . and what do you want from me?" Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul." The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it. Where's the catch?" From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: brad@uqcspe.oz.au (Brad Broom) Subject: COBOL programming anyone? Keywords: funny, true, original Date: 15 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: Computer Science, Queensland Uni, Australia Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL programming very attractive: An ad in Tuesday's Australian, back page, right-hand column: (copied without permission) BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY (4)COBOL PROGS.......To 434K++ Low Interest Loans 19 Day Month With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained. Brad Broom brad@uqcspe.oz PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook they'd like to part with? From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: hag@wacsvax.uwa.oz.au (Andy Hall) Subject: Drunken Wanderings Keywords: true, smirk Date: 15 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT I had an interesting Saturday night. With a group of friends I went to a Pub to see a rock band. Usual story, loud music, smoke filled room and copious amounts of Emu Export. Come closing time me and a mate have had enough so ratherthan go nightclubbing in town we decide to catch a taxi home, but the fleet's in so a cab is either full of marine's spew or horney sailors. It's a clear night so we decide to hitch back from Herdsmans Park to my home in Scarborough ( about 8 km ), no problem. But consider this: would you stop for two six foot, more than slightly drunk uni students in the wee small hours of the morn'? Funny that, nobody else did either. But with more than half the distance covered and being bitterly coldwe spied food, sanctuary. So we rocked up to the girlie behind the counter and asked, ( in a druken slurr ) "Do you do home deliveries? One thin ham & pineapple pizza with garlic bread to be delivered in Scarborough." And we got home in time to watch "Barbarella" on tele' too. Andy H. hag@wacsvax.uwa.oz [ And if they're not home in 30 minutes, it's free. Most taxis don't offer that sort of guarantee. ] -- Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy) Subject: The Oneliner file Annual Keywords: racist, sexist, sexual, chuckle Date: 16 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT Editors Note: Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting. I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated. Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission. My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in a bunch. ********************************************************************** From: watmath!linus!encore!loverso (John LoVerso) >From Dave Barry's Annual Tax-time article, Jan 17, Boston Sunday Globe: Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number, 1-800-AUDITME. = = = = = = = From: watmath!linus!harvard!src.dec.com!broder (Andrei Broder) 1. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies".. = = = = = = = From: Kent Paul Dolan Heard on National Public Radio: I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway. = = = = = = = From: Paul S. R. Chisholm, {ihnp4,cbosgd,allegra,rutgers}!mtune!lznv!psc In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young. = = = = = = = From: watmath!linus!harvard!uw-beaver!tc.fluke.COM!dbb (Throat Warbler Mangrove) A feature is a bug with seniority. = = = = = = = From: P. Ryan "How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober chilren in Africa!!" = = = = = = = From: Stan Reeves Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal -- "Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?" "No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'." = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!cs.utah.edu!u-pgardi%sunset (Phillip Garding) Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions. I have never seen this particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around. I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend. Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a display screen File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing all of the work Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran. MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf. = = = = = = = From: watmath!aucs!820785gm (Andrew MacLeod) Have you met the "bud light" couple? She tastes great, and he's less filling! = = = = = = = From: julian@uhccux.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Julian Cowley) Who was the first computer expert ever? Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!wyse.wyse.com!mikew (Mike Wexler) [This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor. The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to cite. We thought we should say that lest you think we made them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...] o Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be. o Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself(or doesn't know any better). o Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance. o Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do the job. = = = = = = = From: Bryan Hoog (From a recent Newsweek.) Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party: "I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here." = = = = = = = From: Subject: what's the difference between kinky and perverted Kinky is when you use a feather; Perverted is when you use the whole chicken. = = = = = = = From: watmath!nicmad!astroatc!philm (Phil Mason) What do you call poisoned coffee? - - - Grounds for divorce. = = = = = = = From: A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer. (I made this one up) = = = = = = = From: watmath!ziebmef!martin (Martin Loeffler) (from a friend, Gonzo Tog (Tells you something)) Guys talking in a bar: ....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with underwear? Na. Fits like a glove. = = = = = = = From: watmath!cbterra.MIS.OH.ATT.COM!sbt (sb tobias) did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine? yeah, he thought it was diet coke. = = = = = = = From: (Overheard between a UNIX(R) system novice and guru:) "What causes a bus error?" "Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack." = = = = = = = From: watmath!watdcsu.waterloo.edu!broehl (Bernie Roehl) This was heard floating around the late-night parties at the Theatre Ontario Summer courses last week. Don't know the original source. Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?" A: "Is there a dog?" = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!csvax.caltech.edu!oxy!nun.of.the.above (Ilan U. Woll) Overheard by a person with a cold: "I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute. = = = = = = = From: (from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke) Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay? A: His dick tastes like shit. = = = = = = = From: OK, here's anther from Partyfinger ... Do you know why there were only 600 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo? There were only 2 cars! = = = = = = = From: SpIKe Subject: Pope Joke John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!" = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!wdl1!jtd (Jeffrey T. DeMello) How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? = = = = = = = From: markh@csd4.milw.wisc.edu (Mark William Hopkins) Subject: Uncited Buddha Sayings Good things come to those who gain weight = = = = = = = From: tektronix!ogcvax!littlei!vasa1!ajw "I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but they now let him pre-board Air Force One." -- Dennis Miller Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans. -- anon. = = = = = = = From: Phil Regier Did you hear about the new bird dog bra? It turns setters into pointers. Heard on an ancient Tonight Show - by somebody like Phyllis Diller. -- Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: bellt@tramp.UUCP Subject: Sneak Preview Keywords: heard it, chuckle Date: 19 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT A couple decide to see a movie. They arrive just before show time and the theater is quite full. As they walk down the aisle and their eyes adjust to the dim light, they see only a few empty seats. To one side, they find a man sprawled across three seats. After a nervous pause, one of them says to the man: "Excuse me, there are very few seats left, and we would appreciate it if you would sit up." The man, rolling his eyes, replies: "Eeeryarrrgh ooouwaaaah uuummmpphhhhh" The couple look at each other, and the word "drunk" is in both of their minds. They find the manager. The manager tries: "Excuse me, sir, you may only use one seat. Please sit up." The man waves his arms and replies: "OOOWOWHHHAHHH EEYAYAAARRRGGHHHHH OOOOOOFFFF!" The manager assumes his drill sergeant attitude: "Look buddy, I am the manager here. Where is your seat, anyway?" The man replies: "AAAAARRRRGH... the balcony ....OOOOOFFFFF" -- Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt) Subject: Bush joke by Bob Hope Keywords: topical, chuckle Date: 19 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT Organization: Atari (US) Corporation, Sunnyvale, California There was a "Gala" for George Bush in San Jose yesterday, where the Governor of California hosted and Bob Hope was one of the speakers. I heard this quote on the radio (paraphrased then as now): "George is always prepared, always ready. In fact, He was ready for Pearl Harbor three months before it happened!" -- Allan Pratt, Atari Corp. [ Here's an editor's own contribution! George Bush recently explained his mistake about Pearl Harbour by stating he was simply practicing for a job as a U.S. Boxing coach in the Olympics. ] -- Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: anon@ymous Subject: She didn't take a shower on the boat Keywords: funny, sick Date: 20 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood needed? A good stroke. -- Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: izwr008@discg1.UUCP (john desanto) Subject: Upcoming Summer Olympics Keywords: topical, racist, offense=Poles, rot13 Date: 20 Sep 88 09:30:06 GMT Organization: Defense Industrial Supply Center, Philadelphia, Pa Guerr nguyrgrf jrer fgnaqvat va yvar jnvgvat gb ragre gur Bylzcvp Ivyyntr. Gur svefg thl vf pneelvat n qvfphf, naq ur jnyxf hc gb gur thneq naq fnlf, "Fbivrg Qvfphf Grnz." Gur thneq fnlf cnff. Gur frpbaq thl vf pneevat n inhygvat cbyr, naq ur jnyxf hc gb gur thneq naq fnlf, "Rnfg Trezna Cbyr Inhygvat Grnz." Gur thneq fnlf cnff. Gur guveq thl vf pneelvat n ebyyrq hc punva-yvax srapr ba uvf fubhyqre, ur jnyxf hc gb gur thneq naq fnlf, "Cbyvfu Srapvat Grnz". "Cnff." -- If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site. Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: dhesi@bsu-cs.UUCP (Rahul Dhesi) Subject: Gurkhas - the Martial Race Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 20 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT [Edited] >From article <6907@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> in soc.culture.indian: GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors. In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just in front of the enemy lines (Germans). During the course of his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being conducted. The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then ask for volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off. Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mukund Srinivasan Department of Civil Engineering, Johns Hopkins -- From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: rob@perle.UUCP (Rob McDougall) Subject: alligators Keywords: sexual, smirk Date: 21 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that al- ligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Raplph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A girl in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard" -- If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000000 From: george@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (John George) Subject: A Math Teacher's Story Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 21 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories. He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day, he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done. Now this classroom was *very* old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided to put them to good use. With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat, he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least they looked attentive. At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook, and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it. --John C. George From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: treese@ATHENA.MIT.EDU Subject: Quayle bashing Keywords: topical, smirk Date: 22 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT >From a _Boston_Globe_ story, 9/3/88 (paraphrased): A club in New York has designated every Tuesday night until the election "Quayle Night". You get in free if your parents call and make your reservation. - Win [ I think that I will now call a halt to further jokes on the Quayle theme, other than any that might be already queued. Time to give the poor guy a rest. Of course, if something truly funny comes in ... But seriously, folks, how about some good NEW Dukakis jokes that are clever, and rely on something more than his height, eyebrows, ethnicity and funny sounding name?] -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: merlyn@rose3.rosemount.com (Brian Westley) Subject: Sept. 7th Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, chuckle Date: 22 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT Organization: Rosemount Inc., Burnsville, MN Don't be too hard on George Bush; he just confused Pearl Harbor Day (Dec. 7) with Pearl Arbor Day (Sept. 7th), a day when Americans traditionally plant oyster beds. Merlyn LeRoy -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: mlf@genrad.com (Matt Fichtenbaum) Subject: Now I down't even need to check Keywords: funny, sexual Date: 23 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT > From Wisconsin Public Radio comes a weekly program called "What'dya Know" with Michael Feldman. [It's a great show - sort of like PHC with humor :-)] Each week's program starts with a summary of the "news." A recent one included: XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless cigarette. Just the thing to have after safe sex. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: DC@MAZ.MIT.EDU Subject: Plop plop fizz fizz Keywords: maybe Date: 23 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT A modernization of an old poem of unknown (to me) origin: Here lies the body of Mary Ann Peltzer. She died while taking an Alka Seltzer. Called from this world to her heavenly rest, She should have waited 'til it effervesced. --- Dave Cottingham -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: albert@endor.harvard.edu (David Albert) Subject: Poor George Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, funny Date: 23 Sep 88 16:39:27 GMT Organization: Aiken Computation Lab Harvard, Cambridge, MA "In other news, the first debate between George Bush and Michael Dukakis has been scheduled for September 25th. We are surprised Bush agreed to this date, since we thought he would want to spend Christmas with his family." -- David Albert -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: rog@rtech.UUCP (Roger Taranto) Subject: Vacation Time Keywords: chuckle Date: 26 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." -Roger -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: mmt%dretor@zorac.UUCP Subject: Sun's super RISC machine Keywords: true, smirk Date: 27 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT >From "The Sun Times" Sept 88: In CICS (Complex Instruction Computing Set) machines, the microcode engine requires five to ten clock cycles per instruction; the goal of RISC machines is to reduce the number of clock cycles per second to one or less. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: alj@mtunb.UUCP Subject: People just love Nancy Keywords: heard it, sexual, offense=Republicans, rot13 Date: 27 Sep 88 09:30:04 GMT Anapl Erntna vf gur pryroevgl pbagrfgnag ba Cnffjbeq. Vg'f ure ghea gb thrff gur jbeq. Ibvpr Bire: Naq gur cnffjbeq vf. . . oynpx qvpx! Anapl: Hz. . . vf vg n cynpr? Ure cnegre: Ab. Anapl: Vf vg n crefba? Ure cnegare: Ab. Anapl: Uzz, gura vg zhfg or n guvat. Hz, vf vg fbzrguvat V zvtug jnag gb rng? Ure cnegare, rknfcrengrq: Jryy, V qhaab, znlor. Anapl: Vf vg oynpx qvpx? -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site. Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: psi@tahoe.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf) Subject: Preying Mantis Syndrome Keywords: smirk, sexual Date: 27 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT Organization: University of Nevada Reno The Preying Mantis Syndrome Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand: The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: scott@ubvax.UUCP (Scott Scheiman) Subject: Age Old Joke? Keywords: funny Date: 28 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" "Ribbit!" Scott Scheiman (408) 562-5572 Ungermann-Bass, Inc. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: brett@hpsrbkc.UUCP (Brett K. Carver) Subject: WW II joke Keywords: swearing, funny Date: 28 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT This comes from a box of my Dad's stuff from World War II. I transcribed it as accurately as I could from the original yellowed memo (I fixed a few spelling errors, but left any wording errors as they were). Brett Carver Hewlett-Packard hplabs!hpnmd!brett -------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEADQUARTERS LAST U.S. ARMY APO 001. U.S. ARMY AG 4110.99 (DEBCA) 20 September 1944 SUBJECT : Indoctrination for Return to U.S. TO : All Units. 1. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his application for return. 2. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination course:- a. In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current practice they should not be approached with "How much?". A proper greeting is "Isn't it a lovely day?" or "Have you ever been to Chicago?". Then say "How much?". b. A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is proper to say "I'll be there shortly". DO NOT say "Blow it out your _____". c. A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantolopes, fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly "Please pass the butter". DO NOT say "Threw me the godam grease". d. Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room called the "Bathroom", i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub, wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves to prepare the device for reuse). e. In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The host usually will provide suitable seats. f. Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper remark is "Excuse me". DO NOT say "It must be that lousy chew we've been getting". g. American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be refrained from. In time the "Separate Dish" system will become enjoyable. h. Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as "Cognac") are not usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for serving one's landlord in order to break an undesirable lease. i. The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as "I believe you have made a mistake", or "I am afraid you are in error on that". DO NOT say "Brother, you're really f----d up". This is considered impolite. j. Upon leaving a friend's home after a visit, one may find his hat misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to one's host and say "I don't seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?". DO NOT say "Don't anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat". k. In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you can register and be shown to a room where he can sleep for the night. The present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the yard and taking over the premises will cease. l. Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle > from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances. m. In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required. In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under 80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him across the back of the head and say "Move your head, jerk, I can't see a damn thing". n. It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons. Ask for his credentials, and if he can't show any THEN go ahead and slug him. o. Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed. (Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments, should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to them. A casual remark such as "My, what a delicate shade of blue" will usually suffice. Under NO circumstances say "How in hell do you expect me to sleep in a get-up like that?". p. Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings for this purpose. q. Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available, and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of one's teeth. r. Always tip your hat before striking a lady. s. Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cooked, when talking to civilians in the street. t. Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities. When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is particularly true in heavily populated areas. u. All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the uniform will be promptly dealt with. For the Commanding General: -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: jans@stammer.GVS.TEK.COM (Jan Steinman) Subject: Modern Times Keywords: topical, funny Date: 29 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT What's the difference between the 80's and the 50's? In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes." :::::: Jan Steinman -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: jester@jessica.stanford.edu (Perry Friedman) Subject: Mathematician/engineer jokes Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 30 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT Organization: Stanford University There are three umpires at a baseball game. One is an engineer, one is a physicist and one is a mathematician. There is a close play at home plate and all three umpires call the man out. The manager runs out of the dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out. The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em" The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are" And the mathemrtician says "He's out because I called him out" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Subject: Last year's news Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle Date: 30 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14, 1987: According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members. Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers. Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary. Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities. A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school. ---------------------------------------------------- Excerpted from the Redwood City Times: The huge Shell Oil Co. toxic waste trial scheduled to gear up in San Bruno this fall has produced reams and reams of paper. So many, in fact, that the San Mateo County Clerk's office has partitioned off a room where two clerks do nothing but sort and file all those stacks of paper. They've named their space the "Shell Oil Control Center" and posted a sign outside: "Life is Shell, and then you die." ---------------------------------------------------- Heard on KABC, a survey was taken at some high school on how the students felt about contraceptives being advertised on television. 66% were in favor of it. 26% were against it. 8% said that regardless of the commercial, Pres. Reagan should still send aid to them. Henry Cate III -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most. From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: rob@idec.stc.co.uk (P.Robinson) Subject: computer follies Keywords: funny, original Date: 2 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT Organization: STC Network Systems, Stevenage, UK [ Recently in comp.misc, users started describing how they had put floppies through their paces, and yet still found them readable. Some folks decided the discussion got out of hand, and I enjoyed this one. ] That reminds me of the time , a few years ago when I left home with my 5" master floppy in my pocket. Suddenly a gust of wind blew it into the road where it was run over by a passing millitary parade and it ended up in a patch of quick-drying cement. When I retrieved it the cement had set so I took it home to recover as I'd lost the backup some days previously. I chiselled off the cement from the disc but then my friend came along and suggested that, as the disc was 'dead', we should see how much damage it could take. We nailed it to the ceiling, and hung the cat from it, then used it at a dart- board, incidentally did you know that if you're a good aim, a dart will exactly fit through the index hole? By now the disc was a little bit grubby so we care-fully opened the black jacket, removed the disc and washed it in boiling water, making good use of the brillo pads. After drying it with my blowtorch I tried it in my disc drive. Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a wisp of smoke slowly rose from theslot. grabbing the disc and stamping out the flames I realised I had placed it in my toaster instead of a drive. I found a 3" drive but unfortunately the discwouldn't fit so I had to cut off the edges until it did. Tentatively I tried toboot and... Imagine my surprise when it worked! all my files were readable, except for the ones stored in the bits I cut off to make it fit the drive. This really happened. I concluded that it only went to show. Has this happened to anyone else? [ Don't send me your own attempts. There were many imitations in comp.misc ] -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.