Article: 25613 of talk.bizarre Path: news.duke.edu!duke!concert!rock!stanford.edu!ames!sun-barr!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!cis.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!linac!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (Scott Forbes) Newsgroups: news.groups,rec.humor,rec.humor.oracle.d,rec.arts.startrek.misc,rec.arts.sf.misc,alt.flame,talk.bizarre Subject: =5= 1992 Usenet Olympics: Tournament Flaming Summary: You've been sitting too close to the terminal again, haven't you Keywords: The 1992 Usenet Olympic Games -- exclusively on USPN! Message-ID: <1992Aug7.050911.1323@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Date: 7 Aug 92 05:09:11 GMT References: <1992Aug4.045234.24741@cbfsb.cb.att.com> <1992Aug5.061307.2856@cbfsb.cb.att.com> <1992Aug6.060218.4678@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Sender: news@cbfsb.cb.att.com Followup-To: news.groups Organization: Usenet Sports Programming Network Lines: 167 Xref: news.duke.edu news.groups:15217 rec.humor:23314 rec.humor.oracle.d:380 rec.arts.startrek.misc:8705 rec.arts.sf.misc:2623 alt.flame:11881 talk.bizarre:25613 Status: RO "Take away the love and the anger And a little piece of rope holding us together Looking for a moment that'll never happen Living in the gap between past and future Take away the stone and the timber And a little piece of rope won't hold it together" -- "Love and Anger" (Kate Bush) * * * The Usenet Sports Programming Network proudly presents: \\ ________________________________________ Exclusive Coverage //// ____________________________________________________ of the (____) _________________________________ 1992 Usenet Olympic Games \ / Tournament Flaming || Opening Rounds (Windsor Divison) || Tim Lynch, rec.arts.startrek.current__ \________ Jeff Sicherman, r.a.startrek.fandom___/ \ \________ Brad Templeton, rec.humor.funny_______ / \ \________/ \ Dave Barry, clari.feature.dave-barry__/ \ \______ David Brin, rec.arts.sf.written_______ / \________ / Ralph Bakshi, rec.arts.animation______/ \ / \________/ Darkwing Duck, rec.arts.disney________ / \________/ Tiny Toon Adventures, alt.tv.tiny-toon/ Enterprise-D, rec.arts.startrek.tech__ \________ Death Star, rec.arts.sf.starwars______/ \ \________ Predator, rec.arts.sf.movies__________ / \ \________/ \ Alien, rec.arts.sf.movies_____________/ \ \______ Leader Kibo, alt.religion.kibology____ / \________ / The Usenet Olympics Dream Team (eek!)_/ \ / \________/ James T. Kirk, rec.arts.startrek.misc_ / \________/ Jean-Luc Picard, r.a.startrek.misc____/ Dick Vitale: >Hello sports fans and welcome to Babbage Gymnasium, where many of >USENET's lingering questions are to be decided once and for all! >Tired of endless speculation over who'd win in a battle between >Star Trek and Star Wars? Fed up with boring debates about Brin >and Bakshi and who's in the right? Stay tuned! Bernard Shaw: >Yes, these questions and many more are about to be settled here in >one of the toughest events in the entire Usenet Olympics, >Tournament Flaming. These people give new meaning to the term >"single elimination tournament," Dick. Dick Vitale: >These people give new meaning to a lot of words, Bernie. But >before we begin, here's a word from our sponsors: Radio Announcer: >We asked people "What's the hardest event in the Usenet Olympics?" Woman #1: >"Well, the Flame Jump is really difficult, because you end up with >third-degree burns all over your body" Announcer: >Ouch. Recovering from third-degree burns is hard. But winning a >free Usenet Olympics T-shirt from Supercuts is easy. Man #1: >"I think the Decathlon is the hardest, because nobody has ever >lived past the first four events" Announcer: >Yikes. Surviving the Usenet Olympics Decathlon is hard. But >winning ten free haircuts at Supercuts is easy. Just stop by and >ask your barber for details. Woman #2: >"These commercials always remind me of those Busch Lite ads they >had on TV about two years ago" Announcer: >Hmmm. Coming up with an original ad campaign is hard. But >getting a good haircut at Supercuts is easy. Check your Yellow >Pages for the store nearest you. > >Supercuts, an official sponsor of the U.S. men's volleyball team. Dick Vitale: >We're back! You've missed about two-thirds of the action here at >Babbage Gym, but we're just in time for one of the most exciting >match-ups in all of Olympic sports: Leader Kibo vs. -- [Brace yourself.] >the Usenet Olympics Dream Team! o . ' () -+- | o | -+- o () / \ | . -+- Mutlu, soc.culture.turkish | () | / \ | Darcy, talk.abortion / \ Kent, comp.sys.amiga.advocacy o -+- o . ' | (). -+- () | ' | / \ | Maynard, alt.holocaust.revisionism / \ Carasso, talk.bizarre [The gymnasium P.A. plays "Sweet Georgia Brown" as the Dream Team starts warming up.] Dick: >Ladies and gentlemen, the Dream Team. Here before you is the >finest collection of Usenet Olympic athletes ever assembled. Bernie: [perspiring slightly] >Yes, this is one of the best Tournament Flaming teams in history, >if not the best. Together on the same team for the first time, >these players are simply the finest in the world. [The Dream Team continues to warm up. Several people sitting in the bleachers near the gymnasium floor spontaneously catch fire.] Dick: [perspiring heavily] >They're a really hot team. Literally. Bernie: [loosening collar] >Maybe we should get out of here, Dick... Dick: [smouldering] >We're, ah, cutting away to USPN studios for an update, but we'll >be back with more excitement soon. Bob?? Bob Costas: >Thanks for that exciting coverage, Dick. We'll be back in a >moment with more thrilling Usenet Olympics coverage, exclusively >here on USPN. Don Pardo: >Coming up: Holocaust revisionists against censorship advocates >in the Bungee Tug-of-War! Stay tuned! [...]