IDENTIFICATION DIVISION. PROGRAM-ID. MESSAGE-OF-THE-DAY. AUTHOR. JEREMY C. RADWAN INSTALLATION. UNIVERSITY OF DAYTON. DATE-WRITTEN. NOVEMBER 15, 1991 DATE-COMPILED. SECURITY. OPEN. **** **** MOTD (MESSAGE OF THE DAY) V2.0 **** COPYRIGHT (C)1992 BY REALMSOFT ENTERPRISES **** ALL RIGHTS RESERVED **** **** A FUNNY VAX UTILITY BY JEREMY C. RADWAN (AKA WINDRACER) **** SEND ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS TO: **** **** AG154@CLEVELAND.FREENET.EDU OR **** RADWANJC@UDAVXB.OCA.UDAYTON.EDU **** **** I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF RANDOM QUOTE GENERATORS OUT THERE **** TODAY, BUT I WANTED SOMETHING DIFFERENT. HAVING JUST TAKEN COBOL **** HERE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DAYTON, I DECIDED TO USE THAT (AS A WAY **** OF IMPROVING MY COBOL TECHNIQUE). WELL, THIS PROGRAM MAY NOT HAVE **** IMPROVED MY PROGRAMMING ABILITY (IT WAS PRETTY SIMPLE, AFTER ALL), **** BUT IT IS A COOL PROGRAM. HERE'S HOW TO "INSTALL" IT ON YOUR ACCOUNT. **** NOTE: YOU MUST HAVE COBOL ON YOUR VAX SYSTEM FOR THIS TO WORK! **** SIMPLY TYPE THE FOLLOWING TWO COMMANDS: **** **** $ COBOL MOTD **** $ LINK MOTD **** **** YOU CAN DELETE THE MOTD.OBJ FILE THAT IS CREATED. ALL YOU NEED IS **** THE EXECUTABLE (AND THE SOURCE CODE IF YOU WANT IT STILL). THEN, TO **** RUN THE PROGRAM, USE THIS COMMAND: **** **** $ RUN MOTD **** **** OR DEFINE A COMMAND FOR IT. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DISTRIBUTE THIS **** PROGRAM AROUND. HOWEVER, PLEASE LEAVE THE CODE, QUOTES, AND CREDITS **** INTACT. I KNOW THERE MIGHT NOT BE A LOT OF ACTUAL CODE IN THIS PROGRAM, **** BUT I WORKED HARD ON IT. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S **** WORK. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, OR SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE **** MAIL THEM TO ME AT EITHER OF THE ADDRESSES ABOVE. I LOVE GETTING MAIL, **** SO IF YOU LIKE MY PROGRAM, TELL ME! **** **** THANKS, AND ENJOY MOTD! JEREMY C. RADWAN, MARCH 1992 **** **** P.S. IF ANYONE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO MODIFY THIS PROGRAM TO WORK ON **** AN MS-DOS MACHINE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! **** ENVIRONMENT DIVISION. CONFIGURATION SECTION. SOURCE-COMPUTER. VAX. OBJECT-COMPUTER. VAX. DATA DIVISION. FILE SECTION. WORKING-STORAGE SECTION. **** THIS AREA CONTAINS ANY VARIABLES NEEDED FOR PROGRAM PROCESSING 01 WORK-VARIABLES. 05 TIME-IN PIC 9(8). 05 RND-NUMBER PIC 9(2). 05 QUOTE-FOUND PIC X(3) VALUE "NO". PROCEDURE DIVISION. A100-MAIN-CONTROL. **** THIS MODULE CONTROLS ALL PROCESSING. PERFORM Z100-CLEAR. PERFORM Z200-GET-RANDOM. PERFORM Z300-MOTD-HEADER. PERFORM B100-FIND-QUOTE UNTIL QUOTE-FOUND = "YES". PERFORM Z400-MOTD-FOOTER. STOP RUN. B100-FIND-QUOTE. **** THIS LARGE MODULE ANALYZES THE GENERATED RANDOM NUMBER **** AND SELECTS AND DISPLAYS A QUOTE. EVALUATE RND-NUMBER WHEN "00" DISPLAY "People ask me why I do this, and I tell them that I have the heart of a small" DISPLAY "boy, and I keep it in a jar on my desk." DISPLAY " - Steven King" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "01" DISPLAY " A Smith and Wesson beats four aces." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "02" DISPLAY " It is better to be ten minutes early, then to be ten minutes late." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "03" DISPLAY " All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "04" DISPLAY " Every four seconds, a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and STOP her!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "05" DISPLAY " All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "06" DISPLAY "Duct tape is like the force. It has a Dark Side, and a Light Side, and it holds" DISPLAY "the universe together." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "07" DISPLAY " Hardware: (n) The parts of the computer that can be kicked." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "08" DISPLAY " White giant seeking red dwarf interested in binary relationship." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "09" DISPLAY " God is real unless declared integer." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "10" DISPLAY " Life is but a Virtual Reality." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "11" DISPLAY " Ankh if you love Isis." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "12" DISPLAY " E Pluribus Unix." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "13" DISPLAY " If at first you don't succeed, your skydiving days are over..." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "14" DISPLAY " A nuclear war can ruin your entire day." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "15" DISPLAY " Nuclear weapons can wipe out the entire planet...if used properly." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "16" DISPLAY " Sure I believe in peace...peace through superior firepower." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "17" DISPLAY " God is love." DISPLAY " Love is blind." DISPLAY " Ray Charles is blind." DISPLAY " Therefore, Ray Charles is God." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "18" DISPLAY " Your IBM compatible computer grows more incompatible with every passing second." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "19" DISPLAY "A mind is a terrible thing to waste, so if you see one lying around, pick it up" DISPLAY "and play with it for a while." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "20" DISPLAY " You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "21" DISPLAY " Computer programmers do it byte by byte!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "22" DISPLAY " Pretend to spank me - I'm a psuedo-masochist!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "23" DISPLAY " Is a computer language without GOTOs totally Wirth-less?" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "24" DISPLAY " A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "25" DISPLAY " Reality is for people who can't face science fiction." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "26" DISPLAY " People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "27" DISPLAY " Friction is a drag." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "28" DISPLAY " If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "29" DISPLAY " A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "30" DISPLAY " Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "31" DISPLAY " A penny saved is ridiculous. " MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "32" DISPLAY " Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "33" DISPLAY " Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "34" DISPLAY " Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "35" DISPLAY " Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "36" DISPLAY " Entropy isn't what it used to be!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "37" DISPLAY " Keep your mouth shut, and people will think you stupid;" DISPLAY " Open it and you remove all doubt." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "38" DISPLAY " Individualists unite!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "39" DISPLAY " Disco is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "40" DISPLAY " The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's farther away." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "41" DISPLAY "The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the" DISPLAY "rest is just overhead for the operating system." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "42" DISPLAY " If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the" DISPLAY " process of putting them in!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "43" DISPLAY " COBOL programs are exercises in Artificial Inelegance." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "44" DISPLAY " Clones are people two." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "45" DISPLAY " Time is just Nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "46" DISPLAY " There's no future in time travel." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "47" DISPLAY " Reality does not exist - yet." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "48" DISPLAY " Xerox never comes up with anything original." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "49" DISPLAY " Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "50" DISPLAY " Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "51" DISPLAY " Part-time musicians are semiconductors." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "52" DISPLAY " Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "53" DISPLAY " We really don't understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "54" DISPLAY " Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "55" DISPLAY " Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeroes!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "56" DISPLAY " Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "57" DISPLAY " You can fool some of the people all of the time," DISPLAY " and you can fool all of the people some of the time," DISPLAY " but you can make a fool of yourself anytime." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "58" DISPLAY " People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "59" DISPLAY " There is no such thing as a 'Fail Safe' design." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "60" DISPLAY " If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the appropriate form." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "61" DISPLAY " Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it." DISPLAY " Give a speculator an inch, and he'll build a condo." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "62" DISPLAY " If God had intended man to have computers, He would have given him 16 fingers." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "63" DISPLAY " All work and no play...will make you a manager." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "64" DISPLAY " Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn off the lights?" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "65" DISPLAY " The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "66" DISPLAY " There are two ways to write error-free programs...only the third one works." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "67" DISPLAY " If your computer speaks English, it was probably built in Japan." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "68" DISPLAY " COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "69" DISPLAY " Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground, and missing." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "70" DISPLAY " Your karma just ran over my dogma." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "71" DISPLAY " In God we trust - all others require a phase review." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "72" DISPLAY " Philadelphia isn't dull...it just seems so because it is next to exciting" DISPLAY " Camden, New Jersey." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "73" DISPLAY " The reason the government thinks your just a number is because it's just a " DISPLAY " machine." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "74" DISPLAY " Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "75" DISPLAY " Computers can never replace human stupidity." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "76" DISPLAY " Immanual Kant but Kubla Kahn." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "77" DISPLAY " Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "78" DISPLAY " SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "79" DISPLAY " Pain is just God's way of hurting you." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "80" DISPLAY " The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electric cord." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "81" DISPLAY " The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "82" DISPLAY " Alan Luck's Axiom: When all else fails, read the documentation!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "83" DISPLAY " Gravity doesn't exist, the Earth sucks..." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "84" DISPLAY " Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "85" DISPLAY " It works better if you plug it in." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "86" DISPLAY " Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "87" DISPLAY " Don't force it...get a large hammer." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "88" DISPLAY " Before making a backup copy, be sure to first destroy the originals." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "89" DISPLAY " Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he could've had a V-8." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "90" DISPLAY " Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out, BYTE! BYTE! BYTE!" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "91" DISPLAY " Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "92" DISPLAY " Schizophrenia beats being alone." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "93" DISPLAY " To err is human, to forgive is against company policy." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "94" DISPLAY " The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "95" DISPLAY " On a clear disk, you can seek forever..." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "96" DISPLAY " Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "97" DISPLAY " Going the speed of light is bad for your age." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "98" DISPLAY " Small programs are for small minds." MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN "99" DISPLAY " MOTD Generator - written in COBOL by Jeremy C. Radwan" DISPLAY " RADWANJC@udavxb.oca.udayton.edu OR ag154@cleveland.freenet.edu" MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND WHEN OTHER MOVE "NO" TO QUOTE-FOUND PERFORM Z200-GET-RANDOM END-EVALUATE. Z100-CLEAR. **** THIS MODULE CLEARS THE SCREEN. CALL "SCR$ERASE_PAGE" USING BY VALUE 1,1. Z200-GET-RANDOM. **** THIS MODULE GENERATES A RANDOM NUMBER BY USING THE **** HUNDRETHS OF A SECOND (IMPORTED FROM THE SYSTEM CLOCK) ACCEPT TIME-IN FROM TIME. MOVE TIME-IN TO RND-NUMBER. Z300-MOTD-HEADER. **** DISPLAYS THE MESSAGE OF THE DAY HEADER. DISPLAY " ". DISPLAY " Message of the Day:". DISPLAY " ". Z400-MOTD-FOOTER. DISPLAY " ". DISPLAY " [ MOTD Generator - Copyright (c)1992 by RealmSoft Enterprises ]". DISPLAY " ". DISPLAY " ".