************************** * Notes From Ground Zero * * by * * Jim Taylor * ************************** .ulon HOW TO TREAT A WRITER .pm5     Thå deafeninç silencå ió brokeî onlù bù thå occasionaì hormonå driveî crickeô lookinç foò lovå iî alì thå wronç places. Thå writeò sits shiverinç iî thå cooì, latå nighô air® Scarreä bloodlesó fingeró tað oî cold impartiaì keyó aó thå first light of a new day gently caresses the windows. Raising a cup of tepid coffee to his lips he ponders the eternal question that haunts writers everywhere, "How come I'm not in bed like normal people?"     In other words, whù dï writeró write¿     Because it's there. Oh, sorry-that's not it, that's mountain climbers. Speaking of mountains, did I ever tell you about the time I nearly froze my * off on Mount Washington? It was cold and windy, a record snowfall had blanketed the ground with. . . what, oh, yeah, where was I?. . . writers!     Writers write because they have within themselves a creative urge which wants to force it's way out into the world, sort of like that thing in ALIEN. But, instead of bursting out of our chests and eating our friends, this thing dribbles from our fingertips onto our keyboards (and makes one heck of a mess.) While you might think this process would make for a full and exciting life, having to clean these keyboards every day is a pretty lonely job.     I was surprised to learn that most people don't know any writers. Of course, everybody I know knows at least one, but it seems that many people are culturally deprived. So in the event that you are someday lucky enough to meet an actual writer, I'd like to share with you these words of wisdom. (I know that they're words of wisdom because it says so right here on the package.)     1. Never ask a writer where he gets his ideas. Writers are intrinsically paranoid, it's part of the job description. They don't want you to find out because they're afraid you'll steal the ideas and become rich and famous which only serves them right since they're really worthless human beings at the core. Writers tend to be very hard on themselves and are depressed a lot. Cut them some slack, for Pete's sake.     2. Never say to a writer, "I'm going to write a book, too. As soon as I get the time." Writers know that there is never time to write, that it doesn't take any time to write. It takes time to edit. It takes time to sharpen pencils. It takes time to think of excuses not to write.     3. Please don't tell a writer, "I have this great idea for a book. I'll tell it to you and all you have to do is write it and we'll both be rich." Writers know this isn't true. They know most people are boring. (That's why they lock themselves away and make up fictional people. Do you think they'd bother to do this if they knew anybody interesting?) Besides, there are really only Štwo rich writers in the world. One of them is Stephen King, who writes a bestseller every morning between his coffee and his toast. I don't remember the other because reading rich writers only depresses me and I think about becoming an accountant or an Amway salesman and we wouldn't want that now, would we? Besides, every writer knows that best selling ideas come from a small mail order company in New Jersey-oops, forget I said that.     4. "Thank you for submitting your article, GARDENING IN YOUR PANTS FOR FUN AND PROFIT. Unfortunately, it does not meet our needs at this time. We recommend you don't give up your day job. Have you ever thought of getting professional help?"     Now that you know what not to say, here are some things every writer loves to hear:     1. "Would you like a grant?"     2. "Can I buy you lunch?"     3. "Can I buy you a BMW?"     4. "Would you like to meet my beautiful, young daughter? She has a thing for writers."     5. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" Coffee, if you aren't aware of it, is the elixir of the gods. Writers cannot write without coffee. People who don't drink coffee will never become writers. However, cigarettes are optional. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.     6. "Thank you for submitting your latest article, we think you are a genius and will pay you any amount of money you want for it. By the way, have you met my beautiful, young daughter?"     It should be clear to you now that writers are the most important people on earth. If it wasn't for them, you'd have to spend your evenings watching overpaid actors on TV saying stuff like, "Um, like, let's do something and, um, get the bad guys or um, something. OK?" This magazine would be smaller with a lot more pictures which you wouldn't understand because there'd be nobody to write captions explaining them.     So, the next time you meet a writer, show him some appreciation. You don't have to throw yourself to the ground and kiss their feet (although that might be a nice touch.) All you have to do is smile, shake hands and give them the entire contents of your wallet. You'll sleep better knowing you've given your support.     And if you happen to have a beautiful, young daughter. . . .pm0 -½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½-½- JIM TAYLOR is a writer who lives in Newington, Connecticut. Hours of worship are by appointment only. Attentioî Publishersº reprinô rightó availablå aô reasonablå rates¬ easù crediô terms® Contactº Jií Taylor¬ PÏ Boø 310642¬ Newington¬ CÔ 06131-0642. Copyrighô 199° Jameó F® Taylor Alì rightó reserved