Greetings. This edition of "Rare Gems (sm)" is a new beginning in a number of ways. For me, because I will be taking on the introducing from now on. Because, for my previous self-described "redactor" Daryl Gehlbach, he is moving up to a new position as pastor to a parish in Minnesota, and will no longer be able to compile these collections. I'd like to thank Daryl for his contributions, and wish him well in his new station. And this is a new beginning for you, the reader, because I am experimenting with a new format. I learned recently that some USENET, INTERNET, etc., nodes retain some groups' messages for as little as two weeks, meaning that on a monthly schedule, RG is not seen half the time by many people. Therefore, I will be sending collections to GEnie's TeleJOKE ("rec.humor.funny" on USENET) on a weekly basis, so that everyone can see at least some of it. The BBSes that receive RG will still get it at the normal daily or monthly schedule, depending on practicality. Let me familiarise newer readers on what "Rare Gems (sm)" is. It is a daily quote service I provide to some Hartford, CT area BBS systems. Unlike most other quote sources, which appear to use anything that resembles a quote, regardless of quality, I select what I feel are the funniest, cleverest, or most profound. I have to giggle, be struck dumb, or say to myself, "Ooh, that's -good-!" before I let a quote become a Gem. My sources are legion, including comic strips, comic books, movies, television, normal books, abnormal books, eavesdroppings, BBS and GEnie messages, and people who give them to me. If you'd like to be included in that last one, and pass on to me items that you feel deserve to be Gems, I can be contacted on the GEnie computer network as DAVE.WRIGHT, and as "David Wright" on the following BBS systems: The Computer Club, 1-203-673-8752; YOUr BBS, 1-203-693-6014; Bruce's Bar & Grill, 1-203-236-7418; and the Xerox BBS, 1-203-280-1478. I haven't asked him, but Brad Templeton might pass along messages from USENET users if they ask nicely. And now for the obligatory ownership notice: "Rare Gems (sm)" is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. Introduction and compilation are copyright 1991 by same. This collection may be freely distributed, as long as this notice is retained. And now: The Larch. And now: "Rare Gems (sm)" for June 1 through July 6, 1991. This product is meant for educational purposes only. * Not. * --:Dave ========== Stupid? I don't know the meaning of the word. --Unknown T'ai Chi isn't a martial art -- it's a MARTIAN art. Martians move slowly in Earth gravity. --Unknown That was ZEN, this is TAO. --Unknown The Theorem Theorem: If if, then then. --Unknown Well, that explains that pile of empty Jello boxes. --Man bouncing on swimming pool, "Bizarro" cartoon (Dan Piraro) Mrs. Wilson, your son is going to be fine. And, may I say, we've never had an accident patient with cleaner underwear. --Doctor, Chas. Keith cartoon He's in, but I'm afraid you can't see him. --The Invisible Man's receptionist, Frank Houser Jr. cartoon Veni, Vidi, VCR -- I came, I saw, I taped. --Unknown Why do I have this terrible feeling that, when someone puts a hand over my eyes, another will follow over my mouth? --Dale Hagen ...Notice how the eyes seem to follow you?... --Museum curator about Jesse Helms portrait, Bennett cartoon All the troubles of man come from his not knowing how to sit still. --Blaise Pascal What's vanilla, vanilla, and vanilla? Ice cream clones. --Unknown When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. --Unknown America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy -- and won't cross the street to vote in a national election. --Bill Vaughan Writing is like prostitution -- first you do it for love, then for a few friends, and finally for money. --Unknown We can't let them get away. All they have to do is eat three or four children and there'd be the most dreadful publicity. --Splice Of Life director, "Gremlins II" Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. --A. Whitney Brown carrion: Something the airlines would rather you didn't try to stuff under your seat. --Wiley's Dictionary, "B.C." strip (Johnny Hart) Yellow journalism is media ochre. --Unknown You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time -- that should be enough for most purposes. --Unknown Did you hear about the guy who was arrested coming out of a fortune teller's? He was caught read-handed. --:Dave Wright Can you imagine if birds got tickled by feathers? --Steven Wright "Reach for what's left of the ozone layer!" "Keep quiet and you won't get hurt -- plus, it cuts down on noise pollution!" "Put all the money in this 100% recyclable paper bag!" --Environmentally aware criminals, Rick Cole cartoon You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. --Unknown Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice. --Will Durant Some folks just wade through life, others pan for gold. --Ida Early, "Incredible Ida Early" Never buy a bottle of wine from a guy with purple feet. --"B.C." strip (Johnny Hart) Scientists say that Neandertals and modern man shared the earth for about 3000 years. I get that feeling every time I see C-SPAN. --Sebastian, WCCC-FM If you only see one movie this year, you need to get out of the house more often. --Ad for "Naked Gun II 1/2" The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. --Sigmund Freud Historical reminder: always put Horace before Decartes. --Donald O. Rickter A Unitarian prays to whom it may concern. --Unknown He made a sound like a wolverine going through a car wash. --"Unicorn U." by Esther Friesner You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. --Lord Morley We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. --W.H. Auden Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two. --Rodney Dangerfield