A synonym is a word you use 
when you can't spell the other one.
                --Tom Mackie

        That which is everybody's 
business is nobody's business.
                --Izaak Walton

        Villains are undone by what is 
worst in them, heroes by what is best.
                --Voltaire, "The Rose 
and the Scalpel" by Gregory Benford

        I know te stuff is "lewd and 
suggestive."  That's what they said 35 
years ago about Elvis.
        --Joe Bob Briggs about 2 Live 
Crew

        If you shoot a mime, do you 
need a silencer?  --Steven Wright

        BEER Isn't Just For Breakfast 
Anymore.  --Unknown

        If men are God's gift to women, 
then God must really love gag gifts.
                --Unknown

        Cartoonist Solves Laura Palmer 
Murder.  "I'll be Danged," Says 
Producer Lynch.  --Newspaper headline, 
"Fox Trot" strip (Bill Amend)

        Dog Trainer:  Speak, Grimmy, 
speak...  If you can speak, you'll get 
a dog biscuit.
        Grimm (thinking):  Lady, if I 
could _speak_, I'd get ten grand on the 
Letterman show.
        --"Mother Goose and Grimm" 
strip (Mike Peters)

        The only reason I exist is so 
my shadow would have something to do.
                --Steven Wright

        I got food poisoning today.  I 
don't know when I'm going to use it.
                --Steven Wright

        Writing?  You'll put all the 
storytellers out of work!
          --Caveman, Hoest cartoon

        I almost got a girl pregnant in 
high school.  It's costing me a fortune 
to keep the rabbit on a life-support 
system.  --Will Shriner

        I like work; it fascinates me.  
I can sit and look at it for hours.
                --Jerome K. Jerome

        OF COURSE I'm your friend, 
Albert -- An' I'll STILL be your friend 
even if you KEEP ON smokin'...  Jes' 
not for as LONG is all...
        --Pogo, "Walt Kelley's Pogo" 
strip (Doyle and Sternecky)

        Louisiana?  You imbecile!  I 
told you to sell Lusitania!
                --Napoleon Bonaparte, 
Hoest cartoon

        It is the wretchedness of being 
rich that you have to live with rich 
people.  --Logan Pearsall Smith

        You know, sometimes it seems 
like you're so narrow-minded that you 
can see through a keyhole with both 
eyes simultaneously.  --Jeff Lee

        If you didn't know me, would 
you think I was a stranger?
                --Steven Wright

        Enough Television
        -----------------
        Go Read A Book
                --Closing credit, "Tiny 
Toon Adventures"

        I'm naming my first ulcer after 
you.
                --Plucky Duck, "Tiny 
Toon Adventures"
        I always watch what I eat.  I'm 
afraid of something getting away.
                --Hagar, "Hagar the 
Horrible" strip (Chris Browne)

        When it's raining and the sun 
shines at the same time, God makes a 
rainbow, doesn't he?  Well, when you 
laugh and then you cry about something, 
it's a rainbow day!
        --Elizabeth, "For Better or For 
Worse" strip (Lynn Johnston)

        I believe that people would be 
alive today if there were a death
penalty.  --Nancy Reagan
 
        At age fifty, every man has the 
face he deserves.  --George Orwell

        The secret to being young is to 
live honestly, eat slowly, and lie 
about your age.  --Lucille Ball