Rare Gems September 1990 by David Wright These gems were compiled by Daryl D. Gehlbach from messages left on YOUr BBS (203-523-0345) during the month of September 1990. Mesg: 17 ( ) Date: 01 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 14:37:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. --Tom Mackie Mesg: 22 ( ) Date: 02 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 14:47:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All That which is everybody's business is nobody's business. --Izaak Walton Mesg: 23 ( ) Date: 03 Aug 90 Fldr: General Time: 14:30:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Villains are undone by what is worst in them, heroes by what is best. --Voltaire, "The Rose and the Scalpel" by Gregory Benford Mesg: 24 ( ) Date: 04 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 20:39:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I know the stuff is "lewd and suggestive." That's what they said 35 years ago about Elvis. --Joe Bob Briggs about 2 Live Crew Mesg: 26 ( ) Date: 05 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 19:07:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer? --Steven Wright Mesg: 30 ( ) Date: 07 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 20:29:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All BEER Isn't Just For Breakfast Anymore. --Unknown If men are God's gift to women, then God must really love gag gifts. --Unknown Mesg: 38 ( ) Date: 08 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 17:10:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Cartoonist Solves Laura Palmer Murder. "I'll be Danged," Says Producer Lynch. --Newspaper headline, "Fox Trot" strip (Bill Amend) Mesg: 43 ( ) Date: 09 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 17:15:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Dog Trainer: Speak, Grimmy, speak... If you can speak, you'll get a dog biscuit. Grimm (thinking): Lady, if I could _speak_, I'd get ten grand on the Letterman show. --"Mother Goose and Grimm" strip (Mike Peters) Mesg: 47 ( ) Date: 10 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 14:47:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do. --Steven Wright Mesg: 56 ( ) Date: 11 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 18:28:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it. --Steven Wright Mesg: 59 ( ) Date: 12 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 16:25:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Writing? But you'll put all the storytellers out of work! --Caveman, Hoest cartoon Mesg: 63 ( ) Date: 13 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 19:22:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I almost got a girl pregnant in high school. It's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system. --Will Shriner Mesg: 69 ( ) Date: 14 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 21:34:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. --Jerome K. Jerome Mesg: 72 ( ) Date: 15 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 18:36:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All OF COURSE I'm your friend, Albert -- An' I'll STILL be your friend even if you KEEP ON smokin'... Jes' not for as LONG is all... --Pogo, "Walt Kelley's Pogo" strip (Doyle and Sternecky) Mesg: 73 ( ) Date: 16 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 14:52:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Louisiana? You imbecile! I told you to sell Lusitania! --Napoleon Bonaparte, Hoest cartoon Mesg: 84 ( ) Date: 18 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 19:17:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people. --Logan Pearsall Smith You know, sometimes it seems like you're so narrow-minded that you can see through a keyhole with both eyes simultaneously. --Jeff Lee Mesg: 92 ( ) Date: 19 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 20:44:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger? --Steven Wright Mesg: 99 ( ) Date: 20 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 19:51:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Enough Television ----------------- Go Read A Book --Closing credit, "Tiny Toon Adventures" Mesg: 103 ( ) Date: 24 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 00:16:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I'm naming my first ulcer after you. --Plucky Duck, "Tiny Toon Adventures" I always watch whaat I eat. I'm afraid of something getting away. --Hagar, "Hagar the Horrible" strip (Chris Browne) Mesg: 107 ( ) Date: 25 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 00:28:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All When it's raining and the sun shines at the same time, God makes a rainbow, doesn't He? Well, when you laugh and then you cry about something, it's a rainbow day! --Elizabeth, "For Better or For Worse" strip (Lynn Johnston) Mesg: 108 ( ) Date: 25 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 00:32:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. --Robert Orben Mesg: 115 ( ) Date: 25 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 19:11:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop Mesg: 134 ( ) Date: 27 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 22:52:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. --Nancy Reagan At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves. --George Orwell Mesg: 148 ( ) Date: 28 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 20:17:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All The secret to being young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. --Lucille Ball Mesg: 155 ( ) Date: 29 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 20:59:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All I am not young enough to know everything. --Oscar Wilde Mesg: 162 ( ) Date: 30 Sep 90 Fldr: General Time: 18:38:00 Subj: Rare Gems (sm) From: David Wright To: All The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped. --Arthur Schopenhauer Rare Gems (sm) October 1990 by David Wright This collection of Rare Gems was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages left on YOUr BBS (203-236-3759) during the month of October 1990. ------------------ If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd have change coming. --Buster Bunny, "Tiny Toon Adventures" Before God and the bus driver we are all equal. --German proverb You know you're old when you notice how young the derelicts are getting. --Joanne Phillips We are all born mad. Some of us remain so. --Samuel Becket They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. --Garrison Keillor The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever. --Herb Caen One shift, two shift, red shift, blue shift... Dr. Seuss Comes To Quantum City. --Judith Tarr That duck spits out more words than a dictionary in a garbage disposal. --Foghorn Leghorn, "Tiny Toon Adventures" Reality is still the only place to get a good steak. --Woody Allen I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. --J.D. Salinger A bore is someone who, when you ask how he is, tells you. --Unknown Nature abhors a vacuum... And so do dogs. --Grimm, "Mother Goose and Grimm" strip (Mike Peters) Nancy Reagan has agreed to be the first artificial heart donor. --Andrea C. Michaels Be true to your teeth or your teeth will be false to you. --Unknown An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications. --Unknown Never mistake endurance for hospitality. --Unknown Odd, isn't it, that no judge has ever dismissed robbery charges on the ground that the bank was asking for it by having all that money on the premises? --Don and Maggie Thompson Llook out, Llarry! It's the Llandllord! --Llamas at home, "The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Llarson) The conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. --U.S. Sen. Daniel Webster A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. --Unknown Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on its head and the other pulled on its tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer. --Jewish parable I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there before the ambulance. --Lawyer Melvin Belli You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. --James Thurber Thank God man cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth. --Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) FORCEPS: What happens to your biceps when you take steroids! --"Funky Winkerbean" strip (Tom Batiuk) I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. --Mark Twain If Pro is For something, and Con is Against Something, Then Congress Must really be Against Progress! --Unknown If we all lived forever, where would we park? --Dr. Thomas, "Night Court" The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. --Alfred Hitchcock Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't. --Lord Raglan That's one small step for man... And one giant leap for someone with shorter legs than mine. --Astronaut, Attoe cartoon If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. --Laurence J. Peter This is the November 1990 collection of Rare Gems (sm). It was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages uploaded to YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). ---------- Redactor's Note: You may wonder what the (sm) stands for. Although it may reflect certain tendencies of Mr. Wright, in this case it simply means that the title "Rare Gems" is a service mark. As such, David is interested in making sure that he is the only one in a position to misuse it. He had his close friend Saddam send me a letter politely requesting, under pain of death, to insert a disclaimer for all to read and abide by. Now normally this wouldn't have much impact on me, but since the letter came attached to a six pack of beer and a canister of nerve gas, I decided that it might be worth including. So with tears forming in my eyes I humbly present the following for your reading ord... er, pleasure: Rare Gems (sm)' is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be distributed freely, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. ---------- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is "to be prepared." --Vice Pres. Dan Quayle AUTHOR OF COLD WAR NOVELS --Panhandler's sign, Bill Lee cartoon After two years spent delving into the excrement of prehistoric alligators, Karl J. Reinhard has found something that may herald a new movement in paleontology. --Richard Monestersky, 10/27/90 "Science News" The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more. --Unknown The Arnolds feign death until the Wagners, sensing the sudden awkwardness, are compelled to leave. --"The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Larson) Bun warmer: The unauthorized side of a hairbrush. --"B.C." strip (Johnny Hart) The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. -- Unknown Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home. --David Frost The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. --Bill Maher It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. --Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) The worse part about falling through time is always having to reset your watch. --Plucky Duck, "Tiny Toon Adventures" Any Similarity Between This Cartoon And The Original Script Is Purely Coincidental. --Credit, "Tiny Toon Adventures" Going to bed with a woman never hurt a baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for them that does a guy in. --Casey Stengel Deja vu feelings? Again? --Psychiatrist, Hoest cartoon Deja vu feelings? Again? --Psychiatrist, Hoest cartoon Seize opportunity by the beard for it is bald behind. --Bulgarian proverb Let him who would move the world first move himself. --Socrates When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. --Henry J. Kaiser If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --Derek Bok Behold the turtle. He makes progress when he sticks his neck out. --James Bryant Conant Wow, there it is again... The feeling that I've used this mustard before... -- Man having Dijon Vu, Heath cartoon In a recurring nightmare, Arsenio Hall sees himself walk onstage wearing golf clothes. --"The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Larson) I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible too. --Unknown Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? --Hobbes, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) Invertebrate punster (so slug me). --Button (Unknown) Killing never solves anything. But it keeps people out of your hair while you think about what to do. --Unknown The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it. --Hobbes, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) Life is a series of dogs. --George Carlin I don't care if they get the kind of government they deserve -- why do *I* have to get the kind of government they deserve? --Unknown Son, they say you can't have your cake and eat it, too... So, always get two cakes! --Hagar, "Hagar the Horrible" strip (Chris Browne) Save the whales. Collect the entire set. --Unknown ------------ Category 6, Topic 11 Message 3 Fri Jan 04, 1991 DAVE.WRIGHT [Rare Breed] (Forwarded) Rare Gems(sm) December 1990 by David Wright This is the December 1990 collection of Rare Gems (sm). It was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages uploaded to YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). ---------- Compiler's Note: After the last compilation of gems, I told David that I would do this for him once in a blue moon. Not thinking anything of it I signed a paper to that effect, after which David disappeared in a puff of smoke accompanied by the smell of brimstone. You'd think he'd never heard of Dr. Scholl. Well, it seems that New Years Eve was a blue moon, being the second full moon to occur in a month. So I now find myself in the awkward position of having to carry out this munda..., uhh, wonderful task. I'd better hurry as David is beginning to twitch his tail nervously. Here's hoping you'll have a devil of a good time reading this collection. Rare Gems (sm) is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be distributed freely, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. ---------- It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. --Voltaire Don't burn the flag; wash it. --Norman Thomas Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- Will Rogers Life -- an inherently fatal condition spread by sexual contact. --Unknown After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill your stocking. --Hobbes, "Calvin and Hobbes" (Bill Watterson) I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. --Unknown I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation. --Mike Todd What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? A melon-collie baby! --Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) They dug up an ancient Chinese emperor a while back who was encased in jade. I prefer gold. --Ed Koch If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. --Adlai Stevenson In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take. -- Adlai Stevenson I think the American public wants a solemn ass as president. And I think I'll go along with them. --Calvin Coolidge Too much of a good thing is... a good thing. --Sebastian, WCCC-FM I hate repetition. Repetition really bothers me. I find nothing more annoying than saying the same thing over and over again. --John Moore Pigs make lousy ninjas. --Hamton, "Tiny Toon Adventures" I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian. --Will Durst There is no distinctly American criminal class -- except Congress. --Mark Twain The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. --James Baldwin Gadzooks! Saint Nick is suddenly "beamed up". Well, naturally he's been abducted by a Surd Martian who thought they said "Mutilate Claus" when they said "Mutilate cows". --"20 NUDE DANCERS 20" strip (Mark Martin) What do you get when you cross a Mafia don with a deconstructionist? Somebody who makes you an offer you can't understand. --Unknown I just turned 40. I don't know whether I feel like four 10-year-olds or ten 4-year-olds. --Unknown The Richter scale measures seismic activity. My bathroom scale measures size-mic activity. It's threatening to call me The Big One. --:David Wright A thousand probabilities do not make one fact. --Italian proverb You want scary, I have more electronic processing power in my home than the Pentagon did in 1945. --David Harris Of course, 24th-century yuppies will all have Beamers. --:Dave Wright What the--? Ketchup? We followed a -ketchup- trail for three miles? -- Shark, "The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Larson) I've finally found a use for last year's Christmas fruitcake! It makes a great doorstop! --Lois, "Hi and Lois" strip (Mort Walker) There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between there are the doors. --Jim Morrison The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. -- Unknown 668 -- The Neighbor of the Beast. --Unknown Don't count your chickens before they rip your lips off. --Unknown This is the January 1991 collection of Rare Gems (sm). It was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages uploaded to YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). [Slight technicalities edited by DAVE.WRIGHT] Rare Gems (sm) is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be distributed freely, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. ---------- Redactor's Note: This is it. I guess I have to come out of the closet. I'd rather you hear it from me than in some sleazy tabloid. Yes, the rumors are true. I am a Rare Gems junkie. (There I said it, Dave. So you don't have to send the photos to Geraldo.) At first it was a passing fancy, an occasional escape from the pressures of daily life. I told myself I wasn't like the others. I could control my passions. But soon the fancy turned into a craving even stronger than Gilligan's Island reruns. I had to have my daily fix, or I couldn't cope. The days he missed were pure agony. Then the most horrible thing happened, they started to make sense. I knew I had hit bottom. I was so ashamed. (At this point I am sobbing great tears of shame.) I visited several clinics, but I was told my condition is hopeless. There is no known cure for what I have. This has led me to the decision to share my misery and spread this awful addiction to others. Here's hoping you'll get hooked. ---------- Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em. --Stephen Wright Common sense is the least common of all senses. --Unknown The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present. -- Hobbes, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing nothing than by believing too much. --P.T. Barnum February 25. Millions of bottles of Perrier are pulled from stores worldwide when a chemical analysis reveals that it's nothing but water. --Dave Barry Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, it should end there. --Clare Booth Luce BEWARE OF GOD --Sign in car (Unknown) Musicians duet better. --Shirt (Unknown) All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. -- J.R.R. Tolkien A horse will go to water, but a pencil must be lead. --Bob Stewart Mass hysteria: Yelling "fire!" in a crowded church. --"Funky Winkerbean" strip (Tom Batiuk) Very few things happen at the right time and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. --Herodotus I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each othr's dreams, we can play together all night. --Hobbes, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) Dignity is like a perfume; those who use it are scarcely conscious of it. -- Queen Christina of Sweden History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. --Winston Chuchill Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. --Mark Twain Carruthers, we're quitting the clean-up in Alaska before the job is done... After all, double cross is part of our name... --Exxon executive, Robb London cartoon "Oh, gross!" --Alien with Earth splattered on viewport, "The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Larson) Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink. --Gore Vidal Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon. --Tommy Lasorda Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. --T.S. Eliot Every great man has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography. --Oscar Wilde There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting. --George Carlin, "Indian Sargeant" routine I had close to three years in the USMC, which I've always said means Uncle Sam's Miserable Children. --Jonathan Winters I'm a dad. I wear the pants in the family... and the family makes fun of them. --Father, Ludwig cartoon PMS is nature's way of saying "Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up and leave me _alone_!" --Unknown Those who can, golf. Those who can't golf anyway. --Unknown I've fallen -- and I can't get up! --Wile E. Coyote at bottom of canyon, cartoon in Comic Buyer's Guide (artist's name unreadable) You know it's not a good wax museum when there are wicks coming out of people's heads. --Rick Reynolds This is the February 1991 collection of Rare Gems (sm). It was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages uploaded to YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). Rare Gems (sm) is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be distributed freely, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. ---------- Redactor's Note: It's a conspiracy, a conspiracy I tell you. A new religion is subtlety making its way into American homes. On the outside it appears harmless, but in reality it is a movement that will tear apart the very fabric of our society. No one is safe from its influence. It is so dangerous that it makes the Illuminati seem like a fairy tale. This vile abomination, called RareGemism, is the creation of one David Wright. He has found the key to enslaving our minds and bringing the world into an age of chaos. He has discovered that anyone reading the following sentence is hopelessly under his nefarious control. "Bud is the lite of the world, and David Wright is his prophet." Gotcha! Now you have to read the following. And David says you will enjoy it. --Daryl Gehlbach Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. -- Mark Twain If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. --Bobby Slayton If you can read this, you're in phaser range. --Bumper sticker on Starship Enterprise, Jim Taylor cartoon Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. --A.H. Weiler Baby on board. --Sign on baby Superman's escape rocket, Dave Wright cartoon Regeneration gap. --Doctor Who 6's explanation for why Doctors 2 and 3 always fight, Dave Wright cartoon C'mon, Abe. I hear there's a party over at Grant's Tomb. --Washington's ghost to Lincoln's, "Tiny Toon Adventures" A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. --Granville Hicks _ _ ( \/ ) I don't care what you \ / . --Bumper sticker (Unknown) \/ /\ / \ I (_/\_) my pets. --Bumper sticker (Unknown) /\ I thought the Pentagon was going to be a quiet little beat. --CNN reporter Wolf Blitzer The only subcontinent of which I am aware is Atlantis. --Pete Granzeau The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson. --Unknown The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time. --Willie Tyler If you want a place in the sun, prepare to put up with a few blisters. -- Abigail Van Buren The average person thinks he isn't. --Father Larry Lorenzoni All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. - -Unknown All my life I wanted to be someone -- I guess I should have been more specific. --Unknown Anti-paranoia is that eerie feeling that nothing is connected to anything else. --Unknown I'd rather be locked in a small room full of parakeets. --Daniel Pinkwater What was the biggest operation ever performed? Lansing Michigan! --Babs Bunny, "Tiny Toon Adventures" Ask me about my vow of silence. --Button (Unknown) Actually, I'm a Marxist. Groucho was my favorite. --Jim Taylor Etiquette tip: More people will get out of your way if you say "I'm gonna puke!" than if you say "Excuse me." --Sebastian, WCCC I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. --Vice Pres. Dan Quayle I just saw the first sign of spring... A CPA sharpening his pencil. -- Archaeopteryx, "B.C." strip (Johnny Hart) Courier approaching on a fast horse! Raise the gate! <*SPLAT*> Make that a VERY fast horse. --Watchman, "Wizard of Id" strip (Johnny Hart and Brant Parker) Well, young man... Muriel tells me your father is some sort of scientist. -- Frankenstein's monster's date's father, Hoest cartoon THIS LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO HIT FREEZE FRAME AND LOOK FOR SUSPECT MESSAGES -- Credit, "Honey I Shrunk the Clothes" segment of "Tiny Toon Adventures" You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty. --Sacha Guitry I keep two magnums in my desk. One's a gun, and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps ME loaded. --Calvin playing detective, "Calvin and Hobbes" strip (Bill Watterson) Rare Gems(sm) March 1991 by David Wright This is the March 1991 collection of Rare Gems (sm). It was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages uploaded to YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). Rare Gems (sm) is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be distributed freely, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. ---------- Compiler's Notes: David has asked me to provide some information about myself. He feels that it's important to understand that he has nothing whatsoever to do with this introductory note. I hope what is now revealed will satisfy any morbid curiosity. I am a figmant of David's overactive imagination, existing at the very fringes of his consciousness. I am the other, the alter ego. Every month I emerge from some dark, damp recess of his mind(??) to do my mission of mercy. For it is I (yes, I alone) who twists and reforms his chaotic expressions into some semblence of order. He knows I exist but can do nothing to stop me. I am his personal devil, his worst nightmare come true. I exist only to torment him. I am Jeckyll to his Hyde, Schwartzkopf to his Hussein, Quayle to his Bush. He lives in dread of that day when I will gain a separate existence and reveal the awful secret that David is, in fact, a nice guy. For now, I am content to inhabit part of his psyche, the netherworld between dream and reality, and bring you this latest insight into David's bizarre and twisted mindset. ---------- Be sure to save your money -- you never know when it might be worth something. --Unknown The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. --Unknown You need constant medical attention -- how would you like to be my caddie? -- Doctor, Quintana cartoon Eeny Meeny Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. --Bullwinkle the Moose A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. --Groucho Marx Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege. -- Unknown Procrastinate Now --Motto, Procrastinators Club of America Why is this answer wrong? I rounded it off to 1800. We do it all the time in Math. Why can't we round off dates in History? --Skyler, "Shoe" strip (Jeff MacNelly) Caution: humorous ending under construction. Your tax dollars at work! -- Ending, software review by Mark Strovink Ann Boleyn: She was hell on the harpsichord! --Dennis McKiernan Richard makes friends easily. Unfortunately he makes them out of Play-Doh. -- Randy Glasbergen cartoon Would raise a glass of champagne, but I don't drink... won't thank the great Mojo since I'm an atheist... but there's always chocolate. --J. Michael Straczynski Murphy would have loved computers. --Unknown PREHISTORIC: Anything that predates your own birth! --Student, "Funky Winkerbean" strip (Tom Batiuk) If "I think, therefore I am" is true, then a lot of people must be hallucinations. --:Dave Wright Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine... My wine, that is. --Unknown It seems that more young people are afraid of marriage. Why, before I was married, I never knew the meaning of the word "fear". --Unknown You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Do you suppose this could wait an hour? I just ate. --Man walking plank on pirate ship, Frank Houser Jr. cartoon Middle-aged is exactly 15 years older than whatever age one happens to be. -- Jim Taylor The fuel light's on, Frank! We're all going to die! Wait, wait... Oh, my mistake -- that's the intercom light. --Airline pilot, "The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Larson) One of the neat things about the English language is that there is hardly any noun that can't be verbed. --Joel Rea Why is easy-listening music so hard to listen to? --Sebastian, WCCC Radio For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. --Unknown I have "2001" and "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" on the same tape. If you watch them both together, though, your brain will explode. --Paul Henry I live for the day when some bright producer hits on the idea of bringing out THE ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE HORROR SHOW. --Brad Strickland A good man has few enemies; a ruthless man has none. --Fortune cookie, "My Name Is Nobody" by Walton Simons (Wild Cards VIII) Have an affair. It'll help break up the monogamy. --Unknown Here at First National, you're not just a number -- you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number. --Unknown Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Press Here --:Dave Wright History doesn't repeat itself. Historians repeat each other. --Unknown Well, God probably would be dead if human beings could pinpoint God's exact coordinates and build a missile big enough. --Press Secretary, "An interview with God's press secretary" by John D. Powers, 3/31/91 Hartford Courant This is the April 1991 collection of Rare Gems (sm). It was compiled by Daryl Gehlbach from messages uploaded to YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). Rare Gems (sm) is a service mark (sm) of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be distributed freely, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. ---------- Redactor's Note: I'm shocked. You see, I never thought it could happen to me. I'm a real nice guy, and things like this just don't happen to nice guys. Yes, I had heard all the warnings, but thought it was only for the other guy. It was always someone else's problem, never mine. Yet, it happened, and now I am paying price for my reckless lifestyle. All it took was one time. I was caught up in the excitement and pleasure. I threw caution to the wind. In a matter of moments my life was changed forever. I can never go back to my old way of life. My family and friends, if they do not abandon me, will have to live with my stigma and shame. The black mark can never be erased. What happened? I was GEMmed. I had failed to practice safe computing and exposed myself to this insideous danger. Now I find myself in the same company as Mark Twain, Dan Quayle, and Unknown. Learn from my example before it's too late. Don't become a victim of your own unbridled computing. Be safe, or you may end up like me -- a Rare Gem worthy of David Wright. ---------- The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. --Unknown I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them? --Unknown I don't believe in celebrating April Fool's Day. I prefer my foolishness to be a year-round event. --Daryl Gehlbach I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to. --Unknown I eat junk food to get it out of the house. --Unknown Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. --Albert Einstein ...about as much appeal as finding Roseanne Barr in your bathtub. --Doug Barney I'm certain many of us here tonight, myself included, didn't actually believe that I'd be named "Skeptic of the Year". - -Award winner, "Rubes" cartoon (Leigh Rubin) I am reminded of a charming Mexican song about artificial intelligences. It goes: AI, AI, AI-AI... --Tolya Belilovsky I think I hit upon the perfect plan for encouraging the kids to read. At least for a parent. I forbid them to read in bed after their bedtime and then I carefully looked the other way when they naturally did. They LOVED to read... thought they were REALLY getting away with something. --Nancy Kettmann I fight for what I believe in. I'm a mercenary, and what I believe in is money. --Unknown I know it all. I just can't remember it simultaneously. --Unknown I like the idea of an ancient race -- it makes the world feel so... lived in. --Unknown I loathe anyone who keeps dogs. They're cowards who don't have the courage to bite people themselves. --Unknown How does a Freudian slip? Sometimes it's just a banana peel. --:Dave Wright I prefer to remain anomalous. --Unknown The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. --Russel Lynes Dr. Lecter shouldn't eat Freud foods. Especially liver and Jungians. --:Dave Wright I support everyone's right to be an idiot. I may need it myself someday. --Unknown I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible. --Unknown Everybody has a hobby. Guess mine is gardening. --Swamp Thing, "Swamp Thing" animated series An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. --Unknown When you throw something away, what does "away" mean? --Public service announcement If "if" statements had no "then" clauses, --Unknown Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times. --Mark Twain If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? --Unknown If that which does not kill me makes me stronger, I must be Arnold Schwarzeneggar by now. --Unknown If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space? --Unknown There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money, either. --Robert Graves It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry. --Unknown I've made such a terrible mess of things... and all I wanted to do was rule the universe. --Unknown This is the May 1991 collection of Rare Gems (sm) collected by Daryl Gehlbach from messages left by David Wright on YOUr BBS (203-236-3759). Rare Gems (sm) is a service mark of Rare Breed Noninc. and David Alan Wright. This collection may be freely distributed, as long as this disclaimer is retained in its entirety. -------------------- Redactor's Note: My time grows short, dear reader. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. It seems the world has turned against me in its attempt to avoid the truth. At first I thought my work was accepted, but then I began to notice the furtive looks. People would whisper behind my back. Soon mothers began taking their children into the house. Friends would cross the street to avoid me. Answering machines would hang up. But I endured it all for the sake of the mission. I guess it was only a matter of time before the notes came, then the bricks and the firecrakers. I thought it was some sick prank, then I realized my friends, my so-called friends were racked with jealousy. I had a vision denied them, and so I pressed onward with my great task, obliviously to the growing sense of hatred for what I do. As I write this the crowds have gathered again in front of the house as they have done so the past several nights. The light of the torches illuminate the fear and prejudice in their eyes. I hear the sound of the door being shattered, and the voices grow louder as they move through the house. I expect very shortly to be carried off and forced to listen to the best of Dan Quayle. My time is short now, so I call upon you to be my judge. Is this living hell worth it? Read on and -------------------- Life's a beach, and then you dry. --Unknown A mind is a terrible thing to taste. --Unknown Gyros should be eaten with the fingers... but preferably, fingers should be eaten separately. --Kronos-Central gyros wrapper Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves? --Mork, "Mork and Mindy" show Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes. --Unknown I asked my cat if he is a space alien. Obviously he is not telling Earth people anything. --John Barnes # Bah bah baaah... bah bah bah-ran... # --Sheep with walk-type stereo, "The Far Side" cartoon (Gary Larson) a-bom-i-nation: What it would take to wipe out the world. - -Wiley's Dictionary, "B.C." strip (Johnny Hart) Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object. --Laurence J. Peter If you put on two pairs of 3-D glasses, can you see 6-D? --Unknown Money can't buy happiness, but it does quiet the nerves. --Unknown Murphy's Law is recursive -- washing your car to make it rain doesn't work either. --Unknown People who live in glass houses better keep their clothes on. --Unknown There are stories in everything. --O. Henry Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. - -Erma Bombeck If cows were into bondage, would they wear leather? --John Montgomery A man ought to read just as inclination leads him; for what he reads as a task will do him little good. --Dr. Samual Johnson My brain is the most important thing about me, but look what told me that. -- Unknown My superiority complex is better than your superiority complex. --Unknown Researchers have reported that men's brains atrophy faster than women's, which comes as no surprise to my wife. --Tony Isabella Never ask a barber whether you need a haircut. --Unknown Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity. -- Unknown Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. --Unknown People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. --Unknown Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. --Unknown The problem with unwritten laws is that they're so hard to erase. --Unknown Hi. You've reached Rick. I'm presently traveling through time, but if you leave a message, I will have already gotten back to you. >beep< --Rick Jones' answering machine, "Incredible Hulk" #376 by Peter David You ever hear about the Zen fisherman? "You shoulda seen the one that got away." Hold up one hand. "It was THIS big." --Steven Brust Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you. --Unknown The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line. --Unknown Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless. --Unknown