Softpanorama Open Source Humor Chronicle
Vol 11 (1999)

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Jokes Magazine Computer Programmer December 23, 1999

A letter from Anonymous Coward -- parody on Slashnoise

Suck Daily -- an interesting parody on Slashdot style

Linux Possibly Defamed Somewhere

 Posted by CaptBean on Monday December 13, @03:05PM
from the jihad!-jihad! dept.
RabidZelot was one of a bunch to report: "In Richmond, California, this afternoon, this dude said something bad about Linux at the Hilltop Mall near the fountains right after the first showing of Phantom Menace let out. He was last seen heading towards Sears and has a 'Where Do You Want to Go Today?' T-shirt and brown hair. Let us know when you spot him."

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Red Hat Reports Income

 Posted by CaptBean on Monday December 13, @11:41AM
from the "free"-free-not-free-"free" dept.
Bob Young writes to tell us that Red Hat has reported its first quarterly income. "I was walking from my office to the conference room when I found a 25-cent piece lying on the ground. Instead of putting it in my pocket, I added it to the company's balance sheet and, well, I think that kind of revenue stream more than justifies our stock price." And cynics said that "free" software couldn't make money!

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Russian programmers

1. Russian programmers never read manuals and rarely use online help they easily get a grasp of a new program, simply because they have already tried every single program in this field before.
2. Russian programmers never pay for the software. They either crack it or buy those wonderful CDs with tons of cracked software that are sold for 5 bucks in every major city in Russia.
3. Russian programmers are always on the cutting edge of software development -- they always use the latest versions of the best tools available. It's easy, since there is no need to pay.

10 Reasons why Santa must be a System Administrator

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

Nerd Hunt Fairy Tail

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

**** NH Guide to the Internet Out-Geeking the Geeks 

At the American Bar Association Techshow, a couple of years ago, gathered all the lawyer techies from around the country. This is the lawyer's "Super Bowl" of technology, and it is blood sport to see who can "out-geek" the others. The winner is the one with the best gadgets. Attorney Dan Coolidge and I plotted carefully to press the limits of what we could make them believe. We took Dan's miniature tape recorder and advanced the blank tape for about ten minutes. We then recorded the electronic beeping sound from the hotel alarm clock for about six seconds and rewound the tape. Next we fired up the portable computer and printer and printed — in really tiny type as if a message had been sent to the tape recorder — "SatLink 12-A Msg. Conneer 1256Zulu Cust Coolidge." It was all numbers and gibberish including names of existing satellites in orbit around the earth. Then we made up a series of messages from purported clients and printed them out on a narrow sheet of paper, looking rather like a cash register tape. We slipped the paper strip between the tape recorder and its case and we were ready! Just before we entered the room where all of our techie friends were gathered, Dan started the tape rolling and dropped the player in his pocket. About ten minutes later, it started beeping. Dan feigned deafness. I hollered, "Dan, your blasted fax is going off again!" He reached into his pocket and stopped the beeping. He reached to the edge of the recorder and proceeded to pull the strip of paper out as if it were slowly being printed. No one had seen a satellite fax before! The room was silent; jaws dropped; envy was rampant. Since the tape was so small he asked someone else to read it to him. The hushed room waited while the fax was read. Everyone thought Dan had acquired the ultimate in portable satellite fax tools. Only when the text was read aloud did the smiles start to appear. It began, "From Captain Jean Luc Picard, Starship Enterprise, to Captain Daniel Coolidge, Starfleet Headquarters..." Need I say more? The room erupted into laughter and they all knew they'd been out-geeked.

The Sysadmin Price List

[ June 6, 1999] Fyodor's Good Reading List/UNIX Wars

Lighter Side Contents -- good collection

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/99/Feb/ntguru.html  -- suggested by Vadim Zaliva

I was on my way home last night, when I found myself behind a car with the license plate "NT GURU". I figured the car would just stop working with no warning, or turn blue and crash violently. I quickly passed him.

From Sp v.10. No.4 October-December, 1998 (0A3)

The difference between Computer Heaven and Computer Hell

• In Computer Heaven:

  • The management is from Intel,

  • The design and construction is done by Apple,

  • The marketing is done by Microsoft,

  • IBM provides the support,

  • Gateway determines the pricing.

• In Computer Hell:

  • The management is from Apple,

  • Microsoft does design and construction,

  • IBM handles the marketing,

  • The support is from Gateway,

  • Intel sets the price.

• http://www.free-soft.org/softwarewar.gif -- Software Wars
   

• M$ Multiple Sclerosis Natural Recovery -- Simple changes to diet and lifestyle to "Recover" from M$ OS and software via positive attitude, exercise, the low fat diet, supplements, and sunlight.
   

• The UNIX cult

• The Code of the Geeks v3.12:

• User Friendly Comic Archives -- suggested by Dmitry Kohmanyuk

  • http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/98sep/19980908.html

  • http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/98sep/19980906.html

  • http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/98sep/19980922.html

From SP Volume 10. No. 3 (0A2) -- July-September 1998.

• FM Interviews Noeum Godin  -- the guy who caked Bill Gates
• Innovation (in-e-va-shen) n. 1. Buzzword, Microsoft legal defense. The ability to integrate new features and functionality into PC operating systems. 1a. Brilliant strategy. 2. "Embrace and extend." 3. Beg, borrow or steal. 4. Hope for the future? [< L innovatio (< innovatus, pp. of innovare); see innovate]. From The word according to Microsoft

THE TOP 25 THINGS PROGRAMMERS SAY (forwarded by Vadim.Zaliva) -- Excellent and cynical !!! From: Nicolas ROMANETTI <[email protected]>

• 25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
• 24. There must be a virus in the application software.
• 23. Somebody must have changed my code.
• 22. It works, but it's not been tested.
• 21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
• 20. Didn't I fix it already?
• 19. THIS can't do THAT.
• 18. I can't test everything!
• 17. It's just some unlucky coincidence.
•  16. It will be done in no time at all.
• 15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
• 14. I'm almost ready.
• 13. Oh, it's just a feature.
• 12. You must have the wrong executable.
• 11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
• 10. I have not touched that module!
• 9. There is something wrong in your test data.
• 8. The user has made an error again.
• 7. Has the operating system been updated?
• 6. The machine seems to be broken.
• 5. How is this possible?
• 4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
• 3. It did work yesterday.
• 2. I've never heard about that.
• 1. Strange...
   

• MicroTimes -- Dvorak's Last Column Nothing Is Ever Serious Until The Jokes Appear Or, The End Of The World As We Know It
   
• Computer Humor

Humorix 1998: Church of Linux Established

SAN JOSE, CA -- The first sanctuary for the new Church of Linux opened today in Silicon Valley. Church founders celebrated by passing out Linux CDs to bystanders and by roasting Windows 98 CDs on a portable BBQ grill. "This is a milestone in computing history," one observer noted.

The Church of Linux has received official non-profit status from the State of California. It is now a recognized religion. "We founded the CoL because, well, we think Linus Torvalds is God," a CoL members said. "Who else could write such heavenly code? We are currently writing an official Bible; right now we are endorsing 'The Cathedral and the Bazaar' as an interrim manifesto."

When asked what beliefs the CoL represented, one member wearing a t-shirt with a large penguin logo said: "Simple. Linus is God. Bill is Satan. Writing closed source software is a sin. Any questions?"

Some industry analysts are skeptical about the Church of Linux. Jessie Burst, Ziff-Slavis writer, wrote in today's AnchorTable column: "These [Linux] people are nuts. Everyone knows that the only true path to salvation is through One Microsoft Way..." John Snorvak, PC Weak columnist added, "A religion based on an OS? Here I've been thinking Amiga users were the strange ones. Shows how little I know."

... ... ...

Transmeta: Front for Illegal Immigration

SANTA CLARA, CA -- The INS has reported raiding the headquarters of Transmeta, Inc. to uncover a secret Finn smuggling operation. Over the past few months, Transmeta has been secretly bringing "Finnbacks", as they are called, into this country to work in their chip design sweatshop.

... ... ...

Etc

Society

Groupthink : Two Party System as Polyarchy : Corruption of Regulators : Bureaucracies : Understanding Micromanagers and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers :   Harvard Mafia : Diplomatic Communication : Surviving a Bad Performance Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience : Who Rules America : Neoliberalism  : The Iron Law of Oligarchy : Libertarian Philosophy

Quotes

War and Peace : Skeptical Finance : John Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand : Oscar Wilde : Otto Von Bismarck : Keynes : George Carlin : Skeptics : Propaganda  : SE quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes : Random IT-related quotes :  Somerset Maugham : Marcus Aurelius : Kurt Vonnegut : Eric Hoffer : Winston Churchill : Napoleon Bonaparte : Ambrose Bierce :  Bernard Shaw : Mark Twain Quotes

Bulletin:

Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient markets hypothesis : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 : Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 :  Vol 23, No.10 (October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments : Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 : Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 : Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan (Win32/Crilock.A) : Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers as intelligence collection hubs : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : Inequality Bulletin, 2009 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Copyleft Problems Bulletin, 2004 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Energy Bulletin, 2010 : Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26, No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 : Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05 (May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method  : Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law

History:

Fifty glorious years (1950-2000): the triumph of the US computer engineering : Donald Knuth : TAoCP and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman : Linus Torvalds  : Larry Wall  : John K. Ousterhout : CTSS : Multix OS Unix History : Unix shell history : VI editor : History of pipes concept : Solaris : MS DOS :  Programming Languages History : PL/1 : Simula 67 : C : History of GCC development :  Scripting Languages : Perl history   : OS History : Mail : DNS : SSH : CPU Instruction Sets : SPARC systems 1987-2006 : Norton Commander : Norton Utilities : Norton Ghost : Frontpage history : Malware Defense History : GNU Screen : OSS early history

Classic books:

The Peter Principle : Parkinson Law : 1984 : The Mythical Man-Month :  How to Solve It by George Polya : The Art of Computer Programming : The Elements of Programming Style : The Unix Hater’s Handbook : The Jargon file : The True Believer : Programming Pearls : The Good Soldier Svejk : The Power Elite

Most popular humor pages:

Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society : Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection : BSD Logo Story : The Cuckoo's Egg : IT Slang : C++ Humor : ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? : The Perl Purity Test : Object oriented programmers of all nations : Financial Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related Humor : Programming Language Humor : Goldman Sachs related humor : Greenspan humor : C Humor : Scripting Humor : Real Programmers Humor : Web Humor : GPL-related Humor : OFM Humor : Politically Incorrect Humor : IDS Humor : "Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church : Richard Stallman Related Humor : Admin Humor : Perl-related Humor : Linus Torvalds Related humor : PseudoScience Related Humor : Networking Humor : Shell Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2012 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2013 : Java Humor : Software Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor : Education Humor : IBM Humor : Assembler-related Humor : VIM Humor : Computer Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer Humor

The Last but not Least Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt. Ph.D

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Created May 16, 1996; Last modified: December 21, 2003