Softpanorama, июнь 1995, No.2 (56) *** HUMOR *** Составитель Н.Н.БЕЗРУКОВ ========================================================================     О К О Л О К О М П Ь Ю Т Е Р Н Ы Й     И С Т У Д Е Н Ч Е С К И Й Ю М О Р     Newsgroups: relcom.humor From: valoff@angel.energy.msk.su (Sergei A. Valoff) Subject: Commerce!!! (see inside). Sender: usenet@energy.msk.su (UseNet Manager) Organization: Main Computing Center of Department of Energy of Russia Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 10:49:22 GMT Message-ID: Продается металлический водород. Максимальная партия неограничена. По цене 3 рубля за 1 тонну. Условия поставки: самовывоз с Юпитера. Обращатся по E-mail: commerce@market.upiter.solsys.gal ******************************************************************************* Оптимальный метод предаления трудостей при отладке программ Если у Вас не идет отладка или наступил творческий кризис самое лучшее временно перекрючиться на другую деятельность. Некоторые предложения приводятся ниже. -Wax the ceiling -Sharpen your teeth -Paint your teeth -Braid your dog's hair -Clean and polish your belly button -Water your dog...see if he grows -Wash a tree -Knight yourself -Name your child Edsel -Give your cat a mohawk -Mow your carpet -Play Pat Boone records backwards -Vacuum your lawn -Whine -Rake your carpet -Re-elect Richard Nixon -Critique "Microsoft" -Critique "IBM" -Listen to a painting -Play with matches -Buff your cat -Race ferrets -Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange -Have a formal dinner at White Castle -Learn Greek and Read Homer in the original Greek -Change your mind. Change it back -Watch the sun...see if it moves -Stand on your head -Build a pyramid -Stand on someone else's head -See how long you can stay awake -See how long you can sleep -Wear a salad -Speak with a forked tongue -Get your dog braces -Shave a shrub -Watch a car rust -Quiver -Rotate your carpet -Learn to type...with your toes -Set up your Christmas tree in April -Buy the Brooklyn Bridge -Be someone special -Mail it to a friend -Factor your social security number -Memorize a series of random numbers -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages -Join the Foreign Legion -Learn Sanskrit -Print money -Play solitaire...for cash -Abuse your patio furniture -Run for Pope -Count to a million...fast -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Sleep on a bed of nails -Boil ice cream -Have your pillow X-rayed -Give your goldfish a perm -Paint your hair red; But don't be orange -Ski Kansas -Paint your windows -Watch a watch until it stops -Paint a smiley on your door -Shoot a fire hydrant -Pretend you're blind then Apologize for it -Plant a shoe -Sweat -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil -Take your sofa for a walk -Write a letter to Pope. Mail it -Go to a funeral -Train a cockroach -Form a political party -Sharpen a carrot -Dring and see a side effect -Ride a bicycle... -Duck -Redecorate...your garage -Join the Army.. -Try harder -Cut the deck -Water your family room -Cause a power failure -hunt for Toyotas -Scalp a street light -Have your car painted...plaid -Read a tomato -Sharpen your sleeping skills -Watch a game show...take notes -Put out a fire -Interview a cloud -Translate Shakespeare into Ukrainian -Skydive to church -Do aerobic exercises... -Play cards in your swimming pool -Build a house with ice cubes -Call London for a cab -Change your name...daily -Challenge your neighbor to a duel -Ask stupid questions -Staple -Run away -Intimidate a piece of chalk -Abuse the plumbing -Bend a florescent light -Bend a brick -Annoy total strangers -Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed -Write books about writing books -Mispell words -Tell your feet a joke -Throw a tomato into a fan -Sing the ABC song backwards -Pretend you're a dog -Dial-a-prayer and argue with it -Grease the doorknobs -String up a room -Stack furniture -Relive fond memories -Tie your shoelaces together -Gargle -Count your teeth with your tongue -Build a house out of toothpicks -Wear a lampshade on your head -Memorize the dictionary -Stomp grapes in the bathtub -Find a bug and chase it -Make yourself a pair of wings -Dance 'til you drop -Squish a loaf of bread -Climb the walls -Throw marshmallows against the wall -Hold an ice cube as long as possible -Adopt strange mannerisms -Blow up a balloon until it pops -Sing soft and sweet and clear -Open everything -Sing loud and sour and gravelly -Balance a pencil on your nose -Pour milk in your shoes -Write graffiti -Chew ice -Save your toenail clippings -Make up words that start with X -Search for the Lost Chord -Sing a duet -Balance a pillow on your head -Hold your breath -Teach your TA English -Learn to speak Farsi -Swear in Russian -Use an eraser until it goes away -Disassemble your car -Sell formaldehyde -Make napalm -Tattoo your forehead -Analyze the Koran -Write application for a Nobel Peace Prize for your friend -Buy a 1981 philosophy handbook -Memorize the weather section in today newspaper. -Make up famous sayings -Design a better toilet seat -Shred a newspaper -Scratch your head -Imitate hearing problems -Try to put your feet behind your head -Grow your fingernails -Pretend you're a telephone. Ring -Put your shoes on the opposite feet -Declare war to Russia and/or China -Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God -Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car -Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet -Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture -Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother -Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong -Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail -Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire -Confess to a crime...that didn't happen -Request covert assistance from the CIA -Preach the philosophy of Marx... -Drink as much prune juice as you can -Write a book about your previous life -Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres -Jump up and down...on your alarm clock -Sterilize your stereo... -Carve you and your girlfriend's initials... -Sing the national anthem... -Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna -Pay off the national debt...with a bad check -Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people -Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes -Recite romantic poetry... -See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement -Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English -Write to your President, etc. to tell him what a good job he is doing. -Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them -Turn your TV picture tube upside down -Put lighted EXIT signs on your closet -Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese -Debate politics -Increase your territorial holdings by force -Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat -Boldly go where no man has gone before -Be a threat to the American way of life -Do research into the cause of World War III -Re-establish the Roman Empire... -Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation -Send your President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first -Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch -Free the oppressed toasters of America -Contribute to the population problem -Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night -Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up -State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes") -Visit the Architecture musiem...loudly criticize its design -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like